Acknowledging dreams – Is BDSM for free?

Acknowledging dreams – Is BDSM for free?

- Acknowledging dreams is part on the series on BDSM and philosophy -

Our dreams, Freud and the war on terror

Did you ever have a dream and then one day it surprisingly became true? For most people this will sound like a dream, but for some of us, it perhaps is not. Dreams can come to us in many forms; nightmares, daydreams and – yummy – wet dreams. In our dreams we experience emotions, great ideas, fear and passion, all just popping up in our mind, delivered by our unconsciousness; whether we asked for it or not. Dreaming is not a free choice, but something that happens to us; yet, it occurs with a clear purpose.

From the War on Terror we know that freedom comes with a price tag; it is nothing different when it comes to sexual freedom. And if I may stretch the comparison a bit further – and we love stretching, don’t we? – then I would like to point out that as with the battle for freedom, we  have the enemies that come from outside and those creepy ones that lurk within. And then we are stuck - you and I - somewhere in the middle.

In a sense this reminds me of Freud’s dream theory, where the ‘id’ and the ‘super-ego’ are both hidden in the unconsciousness waiting for our ‘ego’ to loosen and open up so ‘id’ & ‘sup’ can get to us. Normally this happens when we sleep and that is why we experience dreams as strangely unreal. But are they and what message do they hold?

Why has Freud been so influential?

Dreams tend to strike us with things that we often do not know or wish to know; negative feelings, repressed memories, trauma’s and all kinds of other stuff that we like, but do not allow to live. According to Freud this is because our ‘super-ego’ - a kind of unconscious cop - is keeping us in line and ‘tells us’ what is acceptable and what is not. Dreams, of course are not merely negative or stressful, they just as easily can provide us with beautiful images, inspiring ideas and the reassurance that life is great and worth to live. Dreams are outlets of creativity; originating deep inside each of us.

The funny thing is; even when most of us pursue happiness - and rightly so I think – we nevertheless are far less touched by dreams that offer us love, peace and harmony, as by those dreams that are disturbing; freaking us out, confront us with immobility, show our fear or anxiety or even such feelings like failure or expendability. Why is that?

Now, let me be honest; I am not the biggest fan of Freud, as he – simplified for the sake of argument - seems to reduce everything unconsciousness to repressed sexuality. Even when I tend to belief that this is probably precisely the reason why his theories were such a success in the first place, this success does not automatically render his theories true. Perhaps it rather shows the currents of his time and the fascination that followed in what Darwinism had to offer with regard to our sexuality and our ethics. But overall, reducing so many mental diseases to repressed sexuality seems too farfetched from our modern point of view.

This brings another aspect to our attention; Freud’s theories are over an age old now. Seen in their own moment in time, the approach for sure embodied a formidable achievement. Freud for the first time deemed the experiences of his patients as a reality that was both meaningful and significant. Accordingly, Freudian treatment was not merely directed at treating – read suppressing - symptoms, but at understanding the patients and their experiences in order to help them feel better.

Nevertheless, up to today much of our unconscious behaviour might still be related to repressed sexual drives. Sex does play a much larger role in our behaviour and in our society as a whole, as we are perhaps willing to acknowledge. On the other hand, we have discovered that there is a bit more in our mind as repression and frustration with regard to our sexual fantasies.

Factually, as scientific dream theory evolved, also psychoanalysis did. Today Freud is still influential, but by the majority of therapists, Freud is only one influence amongst that of other schools. Sexual deviations are no longer regarded as a symptom of sickness, or, as such, morally deficient. Yet, it is not regarded as normal either.

As we - as BDSM community - grow by learning from and about ourselves, we will perhaps be able to further strengthen our position and be accepted as, admittedly peculiar, but nonetheless healthy behaviour, provided we keep the important distinction between ‘statistical abnormal deviation’ and ‘sick mental disorder’ neatly separated.

It would be great to no longer have to be an underground or hidden sub-culture. I know many of us do not bother, yet Sir Cameron does. He would like to take his slave to the local bar and ask the waiter to bring him an espresso and some water for his bitch. As long as people understand, we are simply living our lives in the way we prefer it, there is no reason to feel attacked, provoked or declined. Well, it’s a dream.

Why dreams are not lies

In the culture where I grew up, it was said that dreams are lies that do not come true. For us, being a dreamer carried a very negative connotation, as did being ‘progressive’, as did being a ‘feminist’ or being ‘alternative’. Conformance to traditional values was key and communism was the enemy.

Well, that is the past. And even when many of you share a similar past, we all have evolved, perhaps also by listening to our dreams. My experience has teached me that dreams are not necessarily lies, but simply require some understanding from our side on what dreams are and how they come to us and for what reason.

Dreams can represent the voice of our other side, that side that is unknown by definition, the side that is hidden and has strange dark currents that confuse the orderly world of our rational mind, with strange feelings and disturbing emotions. Depth psychology coined dreams as occurrences in which our unconsciousness speaks to us, but the language it uses is not that of clear reason – when also not irrational – nor do dreams speak to us specifically in terms of repression – even when they often do precisely that. Dreams seem to be mechanisms to communicate what is going on in our unconsciousness, so we do understand and can integrate this in our praxis.

That which is present in each of us, is not by definition bad, good or harmless; but based on whom we are and what we have to learn or accept. Depending on our willingness to work on ourselves; dreams can be beneficial or damaging to us. E.g. for a nasty sadist philosopher - like Sir Cameron - to wallow in his dark desires is not free of charge, and yet, his dreams have formed a beacon of light, illuminating the secret corners of his heart.

Most of us who are admitting to BDSM, leather, fetish or kink, will acknowledge that our urges are natural to us, coming from inside and as such part of who we are. This view is of course not undisputed, yet, I think this experience of us insiders is more genuine as the affixing of labels by those who adhere to other views, either because this is their – equally genuine – experience, or because they feel morally obligated.

That human sexuality is generally a more instinctive drive as it is rationally motivated, will not likely be regarded as a dubious claim. For this reason, I consider the unconscious as one important factor that can supply us with information that might explain our sexual acts and the urges that drive them. As parts of our psyche lie dormant and get active when triggered, also the way we experience our sexuality changes over time, as it changes with us.

I assume that because of the roles we are teached to play in society, some of these roles do actually hinder us to be ourselves to a larger extent. Particularly the identification with urges that are socially or morally prejudiced may take some time to evolve. For this reason I see the ‘dark’ side of our sexuality, not as connected with evil or inequity, but rather as ‘hidden’ in the sense of not fully appeared in the light of consciousness.

Once we see this, the function of sexual fantasy becomes apparent too; we play around with images, ideas and illusions in order to get to known them better and our own herewith concerned reactions too. Yet, in fantasy we can still guide our train of thoughts, in dreams we do not. On the other hand, dreams are normally also experienced in a completely different setting, as they are unconscious.

Reflecting on our dreams is important too, as often our dreams can tell us what our mind or fantasy is blocking. The language of dreams is subtle and individual. Luckily there are widely distributed symbols too, e.g. the Archetypes, unconscious universal patterns, which give us clues to access the meaning of our dreams. Well known archetypes are the hero, the hag, the wise elder, the child.

When growing older, our psyche becomes more and more individual, as we reflect on our roles, ideas and attitudes and find out what does suit us and what not. Also more and more of the content that is hidden in the reservoir of the unconscious rises up to get integrated in our individuality. We learn how to deal with aggression, passion, loss and our negative sides that originate in our ‘shadow’. Ultimately, the latter will not go away, but we are more in control as we get to know ourselves better.

Because the Dominion of Sir Cameron takes BDSM as partially shadow driven, a considered evaluation of our dreams can actually help us to better understand why we are facing such non-conformal issues in our selves. This equally goes for gender issues and many other things that we have repressed or have not yet crossed our path.

Reflecting on our sexuality is of course a very personal matter. No ones sexual roadmap is the same, nor should it; the diversity is what enriches our experience. Most of the times, when we think about our sexuality, we think about what we would like to do or to be, which is all fine and essential in itself, but what is really interesting is the question who we are and why we do what we do. With controversial lifestyles, like kink, this reflecting is almost an obligation, not with the goal to condemn, but obviously with the goal to embrace and internalize so we can indeed be as we are.

It may just as be obvious that such a process is taking a lifetime. The foresight that we can still grow and enjoy our sexuality in ever increasing complexity irrespective of age or gender, is a profoundly pleasurable one, I belief.

The physical discoveries at young age, the internal reflections that lead to growth at middle age, and the successful integration at old age, makes clear that BDSM as part of the development of our sexual identity is not simply heaving the whip or spanking the bottom; it is much more and that richer spiritual and mental dimension is a welcome addition to the more physical fun. This is also the reason why so many kinks are wonderful caring persons, great dads and inspiring moms, understanding partners and fabulous lovers.

I hope this will encourage all of you to seek out that empowering part of our kink and perhaps focussing on your dreams as message from your heart, should – for a while - have a higher priority than the living out of your fantasies. Ultimately, we are seeking ourselves too in our play with others. Why not take the guidance that comes to us when we are sleeping; dreams come for free; to live accordingly may require a price, but I am sure you agree that you, your sanity and happiness are definitely worth it.

Sir Cameron