‘Uncertainty and shyness’ is part on the series
on BDSM and Philosophy
(Keywords:
ritual play, topping, bottoms, real and true BDSM)
Bottoms up
In my
experience, uncertainty, low self esteem and being shy are disturbingly often
perceived as possible qualifiers to explain the behaviour of submissive and masochist
bottoms. Well, at least, bottoms are thought to be like that by the outside world,
which – understandably - in general has problems to comprehend the mechanisms
that drive our BDSM urges and takes for too literal and important that what is
only part of our rituals of intimacy.
However, for
the insiders it is clear that being kinky has nothing to do with the above stated
qualifiers, even when indeed some bottoms can be displaying them in abundance.
Likely not just a few tops think that such behaviour does suit them fine too; which,
naturally, it most of the times actually does. All provided that such behaviour
is part of our play by our choosing.
Yet, like
most Masters, Sir Cameron realizes that bottoms who suffer under who they are
and what they do, can be problematic as a play partner, or in a sub or slave
relationship; in a way one might even say that they represent impaired bottoms,
who are not qualified for play. Whereas a healthy self respecting bottom with knowledge
and understanding about their own urges, fantasies and limits is way more preferable.
As such, ‘normal’ bottoms are able to support their tops by responding with
constructive feedback, care and gratefulness. This may not be the type of bottoms,
subs and masochists that we perhaps meet in (pornographic) literature or in - porn
movie inspired - public awareness. That clearly cannot be, as such roles and images
are meant to stimulate our fantasy, not as a real life example.
Does BDSM empower bottoms?
Instead of
empty stereotyped perversions of what we supposedly do, we in our BDSM praxis
are looking for real, sane and sensible people. Persons that show an amazing
assertiveness, a positive self image and a very good idea of what amount of
nastiness they prefer in life. These points denote for individual qualities
that can be regarded as excellent conditions for playing with them as bottom, sub
or slave; precisely because we all realize that BDSM thrives on our
co-dependency. Moreover, issues like self esteem, assertiveness or modesty rather
seems to be a general issue of ones personality than that it would be something
that can or should be related to being kinky. Nonetheless, I will argue that this
last position - of subs being knowledgeable, self-confident and communicative -
is paradoxically enough quite often the result
of being kinky, instead of the reason for being involved in BDSM. Why is that?
The first
reason perhaps, is that our kinky urges force us to go and look inside of our
selves to find out if we are okay. Outing as a kinky person, goes hand in hand
with the awareness that BDSM by the majority of our fellow citizens is still
perceived as something wrong, sinful or sick – at least not a normal thing.
Therefore, standing to your own sexual identity and perversions, asks for a thorough
consideration with regard to our own sanity. By reflecting on who we are, what
we need in order to feel complete and how it is safe and sound to be ourselves
in this way, we learn and discover how life works. In the process of exploring
our sexuality, we get to know ourselves better and get the information that we
require in order to be able to get our needs met in joint forces with our peers.
‘Peers’ you
ask? Yes, peers indeed. In BDSM inequality is a conditional part of the play. In
order to let giving off power in an exchange process function properly, the
bottom first needs to have this power. And they need it knowingly and at their
command.
A second
reason why many bottoms are in fact so powerful, stable and open minded, can be
found by seeing through questionable contradictions. In principle being shy or
being self-conscious are not necessarily opposites. It is understandable that
one mistakes a role in a play for being representative for how those persons
are outside the scene: this will certainly apply in many cases, but does it necessarily
have to?
Motivations
We all know
the switching type, or the sexually submissive, that can be really bossy in hir
job. We explore these real sides of us and overly faked roles alike, whatever
is on our agenda. We are the players, remember? We direct, fuel and spice this
living out of our fantasies and wishes. And as such, the opposite of shy, viz.
being brisk, may well be a driving force behind our play, or not. It does not
really mater. Yet, without planned route you have no idea if you fly in the
right direction.
Accordingly,
the opposite of self-confidence is when you are not conscious of what it does require
for you to be – essentially - your self. This implies that you do not realize
to what extend your needs, your feelings, your deep desires; your strengths and
particularly your weaknesses influence your current behaviour. In order to get
kink working in your life, to be aware of your own psyche, your urges and your
limits is absolutely essential. By knowing yourself and by holding yourself and
your play partner(s) in high esteem, you know why you are doing what you do. You
can reflect on why and how events impact your emotions and this gives you a
valuable tool to work on your defences, your limits and their transgression. Please,
do not give a damn about what others say is the ‘real’ thing! Nor ’50 Shades of
Grey’, nor ‘O’, nor your local slaveholder defines what is ‘real’ or ‘true’
BDSM. Real is who you are and what you are doing. And when you are doing it the
way you need it, good for you! Stay true to yourself.
And for
sure, the awareness of knowing each others needs - and what you can give and
share with each other - forms an essential part of any relationship, not only
in kink. Yet, in kink it is perhaps more important, as a wrong motivation or
poor understanding of the others needs, can end up in a mess. Therefore, the
ideal case is when two self-conscious meet (regardless of whether their coming
together was hesitant or clashing).
Bottoms and ‘their’ poses
Good
bottoms are very sexy to tops. Some tops ‘suffer’ heavily because they easily fall
in love (yes we can!) with those adorable, small, helpless, fragile, anxious bottoms
who - once they are conquered - start clinging to and feeding on the tops
strength and squeeze them out like a lemon.
Occasionally,
we might be inclined to accept such behaviour, but in general love or lust should
not compensate for structural deficiencies. On the contrary: love is the mutual
blowing up of barricades in order to be able to transcend seemingly
unattainable limits. This takes courage, but it's the best chance to enjoy a
lifetime of love, happiness and hot steamy passion!
Bottom poses,
like uncertainty, shyness of even submission itself, are just poses. We can and
certainly may identity with such enthralling poses when engaged in play, but to
carry this beyond their functionality is a matter of personal flavour. It is
perfectly normal for both top and bottom to return to a non-role state after
play, where we have a fairly normal attitude towards each other. Sir Cameron is
utterly annoyed by delusions regarding sadists being horrible nasty and
hideously vicious for 24/7 – as if we are not entitled to be gentle to other
beings. Woe on them who do not believe this! Sophia, heat up the branding
irons! – oops what did I say?
Now, to re-assure
those neatly bottoms who are shy, uncertain and soft and weak by nature, I can
only stress; do not worry; we still need and cherish you – even when you have
to suffer for it! Whatever; just take care that you find persons that respect
you as you are and who do not exploit you against your actual needs. A healthy
top does not need that anyway. Even when a topping person can be a great help
to you, BDSM is no alternative for therapy. If you, as a person, need to heal and
solve personal problems, find a therapist and work on these issues with a
professional. Despite that kinky play can be outright beneficial to finding out
how you are wired; your partner(s) will likely be looking for a partner, not
for a patient (except when playing doctor Dark or nurse Needy … )
At the
other side, dear ‘topsies’ and ‘bottomses’: feel free to be open about all your
needs; when you cannot communicate your thing, your hard limits or your hottest
fantasy to your partner(s), why are you playing at all? What are you trying to
prove? Do not be afraid to loose your charm by being assertive; in the Dominion
of Lord Cameron, we have made the experience that none of us kinky folk is a
one trick pony and even that - allegedly - passed stations are great fun to
return to, then our rituals have layers of meaning and it takes time and
practise to get to know them all.
BDSM Ritual play
Ritualism
as such is without any doubt a functional affair; despite the highly organized
formality, it often contains celebratory actions with a striking symbolic
content. Of course, these symbols are not necessarily sexual in nature, and
even if so, they still can refer to general human needs, like sharing,
nurturing or love. However, such wants are a genuine part of BDSM play too:
often full with symbols, roles and ritualistic elements, like the secret, the
dark, the seductive, the fearful, the unashamed, the forbidden, the painful.
Not for nothing the dungeons are seen as temples of sex magic.
When
arranging a play scene, we use the rite to our advantage, so we get a reward
out of it. And like with childish play, it does not have to be perfect, we can
fill in the blanks: a candle hear, some music there, a belt, a mean looking
leather jacket; soon we create a space that we can use for matters of serious
fun.
Consequently,
whatever rituals, roles or posses we choose to explore in our play, let them be
clearly know; the reward will only be higher. And even when it should not be
our goal to fly from the one height to the other, being ‘on air’ for sure is a
good feeling.
Rituals can
help us in this regard; rituals are the key to understand some of what we do
and at the same time they form the tools by which we prepare a space of secrecy
where we can be whoever we wish to be, even if it is only for once. We resemble
one another in what we see together, in what we suffer and enjoy together. Fantasies
change from individual, but the reality of the ritual as meaningful language is
common to us all. Striving towards realism is therefore legitimate in BDSM play,
for it is basically related to laying the substrate for the imaginative expression
that we wish to bring about.
In our
ritual play we resonate on such sources as the self and the cultural stance on
self-indulgence. BDSM rituals thus help us to form and liberate our sexuality
in a save and controlled way that does justice to our humanity in an appealing ceremony.
Perversions
are only statistically uncommon instances of human wants. By playing out our
urges with consent and care; we realize our creative potential and pursue
happiness in a way that we see as appropriate and empowering for our kinky
nature.
Enjoy! –
Sir Cameron
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