BDSM – Outing, rationality and pain (A)

(A) The first argument

I feel hurt sometimes. It is not really your business why this is so, but it is – for the sake of this blog sufficient to know that it is; and when you are as human as I am, it will be a very recognizable emotion, one we are all familiar with and which we try to avoid if possible.

But to be in pain and or feeling hurt also has another side; a functional one: it is the simple result of the biological function of feeling pain and the psychological realization that you actually are hurt. As with emotion in general, feeling hurt and being in pain shows us that we are not comfortable with something, that something is bothering us, threatening us or even that we may get injured more.

The classical reaction on pain and on being hurt is to move away from its cause. Get away, lick our wounds and find a sheltered place to recover. In today’s blog, we will show how humane BDSM can be, how challenging and how fulfilling to our emotions and self-perception.

Outing and the sins of our fathers

There is a lot of fuzz about outing; some of it is understandable, some is – what we ironically can call – the sins of our fathers. To continue with the latter; what do we mean by that; ‘the sins of the fathers’? Literally, it stands for falling in the same mistakes as our fathers did; and with regard to outing, this does denote for the need to push away, distance or rejection. I will call this ‘refusal to freedom’.

Not every one needs an outing, some of us live naturally as they are from the outset; I know a few who did. Others – like Sir Cameron - grew up under repressive convictions or social conventions. Outing yourself – particularly then - is in a way also an affirming act of setting yourself apart from the ‘others’; born from the desire to be who you are and from standing up for your self and your right to be as you are. When driven by the need to be yourself, finally being able to do so, can be very liberating.

Once liberated we are inclined to look for conflicts with that what we left: we on purpose reject our former values, show very flamboyant behaviour in order to put it into the faced of our – more often than not – innocent bystanders, partners, friends, relatives and fellow citizens. “Look how conservative, narrow minded you are! I know better now, I have out grown my past, I am free.”

And - truth be told - often you simply are free. However, the clue lies in understanding from what you are free. Free from following the will, ideals and behavioral pressure that others try to impose on you. As such, revolting against the establishment is also confirming you in your role and here we find one first clue: is it not particular, that in order to be who you are, you need those who reject you?

This is not about the question if this is good or wrong, but rather about the mechanism, then also many pious persons need a rotten sinner, to be able to accept that they are – thank to God – not such a sinner as the other sinners. Atheists like Christopher Hitchens or Richard Dawkins see this form of projecting evil as an evolutionary method to gain self acceptance and dealing with our own deeds and desires.

For many monotheists the Devil is the incarnation of human sin and evil; he – not we – are responsible. By blaming the Devil, others, the system, the Government, it is they who are ‘bad’, ‘sick’, ‘wicked’ and not just us. Okay we may not be perfect, but overall we are acceptable.

Sir Cameron thinks that good and evil is in all of us. Being such or so sexually does not make us better or worse, but rather our deeds, the way we express our humanity. So, if we push ourselves away from conservatives; is that because we wish to make clear that our position in its own right or only because we need a scapegoat just as the others.

Being free from the sins of your fathers means being free from sin, not from your fathers. Accepting and embracing your fellow human beings is not easy; particularly not when you are the one that is being labeled: nevertheless, we might still do well to argue with those who disagree with our lifestyle. Clearing false concepts, showing how it works, advocating rationality; it is a good thing to be proud of who you are. Yet a zealous attitude against what we perceive as delusional convictions, should be well considered; attacking the system, methods and results of the establishment by showing their abusive nature, their ignorance towards scientific evidence and their repressive self regulatory character is good, when also their (mental) state of non-freedom – which they obviously do not grasp – is at stake.

Conclusions: as in puberty, pushing against your origins is a way of finding and defining yourself. As such it is a natural and perhaps necessary reaction. Just as growing up and growing over your past. If we treat other with the love and respect – like we wish to be treated ourselves - we are true to who we are. We may and should argue and defend ourselves, as long as we do not fall into the same sins for which we pity the others.

Be free and keep healthy – Sir Cameron

(to be continued …)