Noticed the quote marks?
Upon reading this quotation, I probably, like you -after all, we are sane player here, right?- did feel triggered, both as a top and as a feminist. To my amazement, this quotation did not derive from 'erotic fantasy' or 'dom-wish' literature, not even from porn, but seems to be how a popular Yale fraternity chant goes - at least, according to scientific sex research. (*)
True, the study is a decade old, but is there so much reason to expect, that the non-consensual and penetration privileged attitude has changed that much? To me, the idea of meeting, or -sigh- hooking up sluts (polyamory emphasis intended), that keep saying ‘‘no’’ but mean I have to ‘‘keep trying’’ maybe is great fuel for my novels and stories - after all they are kinky and all characters have given consent- but how is it in reality?
Patriarchy, and believe it or not, this is still alive on Fetlife ... well, patriarchy had the effect of confirming men in their masculinity, by programming society to enable privilege for the privileged few, justified or not, toxic or not. The privilege of being a man, did lead to the fact that even today men typically feel more comfortable than women in expressing their sexual preferences and pressuring reluctant partners to have sex. Nothing against seductive brats, of course.
In the Dominion of Lord Cameron (DLC) I have introduced the custom that a not outspoken "no", does not mean "yes" and that without an affirmative and consenting "yes" nothing goes. Better safe than sorry. However, play and reality are not the same. The horny and willing sub in the bedroom, may not be so forthcoming when she returns from her work, or simply is feeling tired, even when it is your evening out. In general women can be very outspoken in certain areas. Yet, when it comes to consent, they cannot be outspoken enough, and the same goes for men, of course.
In my experience, women with feminist viewpoints often feel more comfortable in rejecting unwanted male sexual advances - like dick-pics or privilege assumed male-dom behaviour without being in a relationship with that male person (or pig). It is not only any women's good right to object, decline or say 'no', but they may also be doing real doms a service, then an outspoken "yes" is a commitment to the mutually desire results. And an outspoken "no" is a free lesson to overeager persons, who seem to think, that good dominants and tops are the best in coercion, force and pushing - which they of course are not, rather the opposite.
Women’s likelihood of engaging in anal sex might depend upon their perceptions of power-exchange, control, entitlement to pleasure and their self-perception. This can surely also mean: "bend over, boyfriend!"
So, as kinksters, it is sometimes hard for us to deal with "sexual coercion" fantasy, and with the idea of someone taking charge of another person's sexual needs and desires. Yet, fantasy and ideas are in our mind. The manifestation of our 'mental-cinema' is possible, but only in a safe context, where trust, friendship, consent and respect thrive. The rest remains fantasy -and yes, I am a devout rape-play denialist, as it is a self-referentially inconsistent concept.
In any case, dealing with internalized submissive notions, like urges to ‘sexual compliance" or concealing your own sexual desires and instead prioritizing your top's needs, is tough, but can also be sexy and rewarding. Many tops simply make use of it. Not because they are all bad, or toxic, but also because they love submissives and find them a sexual turn-on. Therefor, communication is the key; communication and respect by always asking you for your consent.
If a top does not show respect, does not distinguish between fantasy and reality, and does not regularly check up on your feeling, your experience, your needs; such a top is less perfect as in their own -biased- perception. Communicating "no" may not feel cool, and labelling male tops with 'fragility" of "toxic" can be trendy, but women are good in communicating. Trust your gut feelings.
We live in a time that floods us with porn and sexual coercion. This leaves us kinksters with contradictory messages about how to feel sexually liberated. For me, as a sadist and daddy-dom, frequent anal sex is linked to my perception of dominance and power. As I am intelligent, I also understand that this is related to my fantasy, my views, my socio-cultural background, my education and definitely my personal unconsciousness, and honesty be said, this contains contents that a feminist would phrase as: "paternalistic sexism that keeps male power intact."
There is a difference though, between patriarchy as a preferred social model and kink, then sane BDSM related dominance is not about suppressing women of submissive men in general, but only in the confined context of a safe consensual play-scene. With a consenting partner, that is not just an anonymous asshole you fuck, but a person, with value and worthiness, a partner in crime to whom you relate to. And after 'destroying' that ass, a loving dominant does not think; 'good, where is the next whore?', but rather 'wow, that was amazing', I am a lucky bastard to find such a 'gem' and be happy - or have a fantasy.
A fantasy? You mean like, next weekend, that 'nun' coming over to your candle-light dungeon, to confess her sins, admit her battle with masturbation and unchaste longings? And then, will you be merciful, forgiving and kind, or punish that hole that leaves her virginity in tact?
Well think about that!
SC
* See: Jozkowski, K. N., & Peterson, Z. D. (2013). College students and sexual consent: Unique insights. Journal of Sex Research, 50, 517–523.
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