‘BDSM and vanilla
relationships’ is part on the series on BDSM and social ethics
The many flavoured thing
Vanilla is by far the most popular ice-cream
flavour and also otherwise it is widely used; e.g. in cocktails - like Golden
Dream (see the recipe below) - whipped cream, vanilla sugar, cakes, bath foam and
some women that I know even wear vanilla as a perfume. As such vanilla is a
good marker for that which is considered as well tasting, widely accepted and
in ever growing demand.
Consequently, in popular language the term
vanilla developed as a genuine and positive expression of what we call romantic
love. Over time it became a hallmark by which ‘normal’ sexuality and ‘normal’
relationships were denoted. In this sense, BDSM is not ‘normal’ and a flavour that
perhaps one in ten people actually likes; although Sir Cameron and those on his
Court do think that it is a great flavour and something that will be to the taste
of many more persons, if they would only be willing to try out what our hot and
spicy ‘kinky-cuisine’ has to offer. BDSM is not a diet or a replacement for
vanilla, but an expansion on what is on our regular menu.
Who to tell (not)?
In my earlier post from the beginning of April with
regard to the rationality of BDSM we have seen that the rationality of the BDSM
experience is to be found in the way it functions in our praxis. A not
unimportant facet of our kinky practical life is found in how we deal with others.
This might be people that are not precisely advocating those things that we like
to do; even when it is not with them we play out our urges. Therefore, most of
the times it will be none of their business anyway, yet as it is with the
weather; we have not caused it and cannot change it either, but everyone feels
invited to talk about it. Even though I am open for clear and transparent
relationships, when kink is involved, resorting to a need to know basis is
perhaps a smarter option.
There are of course exceptions when it comes to
outing yourself with regard to your typical branch of kinky sex. First and for
all, you may have a partner, or an ex-partner - and the other parent of your
child – who are often entitled to getting this kind of information disclosed to
them, particularly when you run risks like getting bruises, being arrested by
the police or a sexually transmitted disease.
Then there are your closest friends, your
parents perhaps and maybe your psychiatrist too and you may need to see your doctor
some day, while you still have visible proof of your joyous activity from the
week before. Remember that medical professionals are obliged to doctor-patient
confidentiality and in many countries a breach of secrecy from their part is a
serious offence. See to it that you get a fair treatment and are not treated as
inferior.
I definitely do not advice to get out in the
open with your kink, unless you are not in the situation where you are
vulnerable to harassment, ridicule or discrimination. And do not over estimate
the tolerance of your society or sub culture. Even in BDSM clubs Sir Cameron is
often opposing a lack of understanding for not using his real name. But for him
trying to protect his identity is not out of shame or because of awkward
feelings regarding his perversions, but rather for the sake of his private life
and those involved in that. Not only are we entitled to have our privacy
respected, but also our families and partners.
Do not think your children, friend or
neighbours will find it a comforting and pleasurable thought to know that you
like to confine someone to a cage during the next weekend or that they actually
believe that getting spanked until your butt is black and blue is really sexy
for you. They will likely not understand what it is that you do, nor feel
comfortable with the idea’s that are part of your fantasy and your sexual
roadmap. And why should they? So think twice before you tell someone and if you
have too, be nice and show respect for their reservations. Taking others
serious in their concerns and worries is the first step to getting your own
‘liberties’ acknowledged.
Vanilla partner(s)
In case you happen to have a vanilla spouse or
partner that is appalled by your kinky fantasies and wishes and particularly
when you want put those into a nasty and dirty praxis; I can only say: welcome
on board; while as you read this, there are thousands and tens of thousand
other kinky persons that find BDSM irresistible, yet cannot share it with those
that they love and life with. And yeah, that really sucks big time!
When you think that living a double, secret
life is the only – or the best – option in that case; consider this: facts on
BDSM are a given that we can ignore, accept or try to promote. The way that we ourselves
deal with our kink can greatly influence how others perceive it, especially
uncertain partners. When you are with someone and that person is not kinky, that
fact that you are a ‘pervert’ can be a real shock to them.
Sharing your kink may for that reason easily cause
problems, even in non-sexual areas, ranging from Church attendance to what kind
of friends are welcome at your next Sunday afternoon barbeque party. Not only
will most partners feel bewildered when they first find out about your sexual deviation(s),
they also might feel offended by it or face all kinds of internal fears; the fear
to be losing you, the fear to be forced into playing someone who they are not,
nor wish to be; the fear that you may get hurt (which is very likely when you
are submissive in nature) or fear that you are sick and will get more extreme
over time (which is a common phenomena too).
Moreover, in a relationship that has started as
a - let’s say – more or less romantic ‘vanilla’ relationship; you have the normal
matters of trust, loyalty and sexual exclusivity that goes with the idea of
‘the one and only’. And even when a relation has been open from the start, once
made promises are still expected to stay that way. Of course, we all know that
we change over a certain period of time. Nevertheless it is often expected that
if you truly love someone, you are completely satisfied with the other person.
This is of course a grievous misconception, resting on the age old dogmas of
fidelity, monogamy and heteronormativity.
Hence, in reality it is probably smarter to see
a once made promise as an ideal, an intention that you at that given time and
with that particular person wished to follow up upon.
Consequently being true is a concept that you
might need to reconsider over time. Imagine that you opted to be open and
honest to each other, yet in the process of being together you find that you
changed in one or more points and your partner has not. In general it is of
course always your choice to be true to those you are together with, but once
you find in yourself this wish to act upon this darker side of you, those long
dormant but now awake urges that turn you on like a violently hot flame that
brings this tension in your live that you so dearly have been lacking all those
years, yes, than you may face another hard choice. Are you willing to trade
your needs and wishes in exchange for staying in a relationship?
This is a very hard and difficult question,
believe me. The relationship may still work, you can and may still love your
partner, but what is when their ideals and views on truth no longer reflect
your own? What is when your former happy life now becomes a prison that sort of
forces you to go underground, with the risk that you feel like a cheater or which
harms your self respect?
Even when it is hard to accept that you have
neared the limits of your relationship, in order to stay mentally sound, you
may have to face this and be forced to consider to what extent your current
relationship is still working for both of you. Then a relationship is not about
keeping promises or living in the same house, but rather an expression of your
love and affection; the former are only means to achieve this.
BDSM priority
Let us, for a moment, turn away the focus from
our relationship with your partner(s) and start with you. This blog is about us
kinks and in favour of BDSM activity: we first start with us, so we can be
there for others too. Not as a victim, not as a sinner, not as a sick pervert –
though Sir Cameron loves sick perverts most of the time – or as an
irresponsible immoral person, but predominantly as a partner with equal rights
to happiness and fulfilment and with equal rights to have your needs met.
The fact that we may find our bliss in a
different way is complicating matters. But pathologizing our kinky side - e.g. because
is not fashionable - is not really a concept that will work on the long run. As
an equal partner in a relationship, we are entitled to pursue our (sexual)
happiness, just as our partner does. We definitely need to avoid being forced
in the defence and feeling the need to justify why we are not ‘normal’.
Not being normal or being rejected because you
are kinky is of course a terrible experience, but, as strange as this sounds,
it is comfortable position in a way. For example, you will harvest sympathy
among your fellow kinks for being repressed sexually by an intolerant partner
or society. And feeling neglected is a powerful emotion to justify a double
life, the usual way out; but a hard way too; then who does decide what we may
feel?
To a certain extent the term ‘double life’ does
not properly reflect what is going on. At work you are different as at home,
just as you behave different with your partner(s), as with your neighbours – at
least, most of the times. In a way this is all double too; in each and every
relationship we show a different side of us, like we are playing roles that fit
with that particular context. In the depth psychology of the Swiss psychiatrist
C.G. Jung such roles are the complexes of the 'Persona', the masks that we
wear. For Jung playing different roles is not seen as cheating, but just one
side of who we are.
The mask is not something we necessarily do
hide behind, but rather something that is adapted to what is expected from us
with regard how we should be. The expectations and requirements of our
surroundings force us to adapt in order to be an accepted part of the group. So
seen, the mask is as much a reaction on our surroundings as it is something
that we hide behind. Nevertheless, when kink is concerned, we often perceive such
‘roles’ as double, as it does mask parts of how and who we are; it actually is double
to the extent that you apparently cannot be yourself without far reaching
consequences.
That what is double is not per definition a
matter of convictions, but predominantly a valuation regarding the truth or the
priority of your convictions. The fact that sometimes your ideas and urges are
being handled as something inferior is also something that is double. Most
often such an attitude it is not justified either, then just as masks and roles
can hide something, they can also display something; e.g. our richness in variation
and diversity.
There is another side of the coin regarding the
term double. We should understand that it is awkward to face something that is
new, particularly when it is this slightly unusual thing as BDSM. Such feelings
of awkwardness are unavoidable; and they are neither wrong nor right. They
simply tell us how we feel and that we are, or are not, challenged by what we
have heard or seen. Outing in BDSM can be just as tough as being the one that
gets this stuff revealed. When we realize that this often mutual embarrassment
and the flood of thoughts and emotions it can cause is not a matter of final
judgement, but first a natural reaction and the way things go.
Our praxis has to show that we are still
reliable persons and in many ways the same persons – and why not? Why should
one sexual thing change who we are? We still love the dog, make good burgers or
are an excellent lawyer. For those you love, to accept that things sometimes
are double may take a while, but ultimately nothing is gained by reducing a
person you know to one single praxis or mode of being. And if your partner
cannot prevent reduction, does that not tell us something about their problems
too?
As a free sadist, Sir Cameron will continue to
represent BDSM as a reasonable praxis, provided those involved are sane and
sound of mind. Being faced with prejudgements, discrimination or rejection is
never pleasurable, but it can be really terrible if you find such attitudes
displayed in the ones you love and appreciate. Ultimately, you have to accept
that your partner must deal with their own emotions regarding your kink. When
you are lucky, you have their trust and make them clear that having a need they
cannot or do not wish to fulfil, does not mean they are insufficient; you can
still love them and be grateful for what they do share.
If this will be sufficient for you is quite
another question. Perhaps, once you proved to your partner, that you still wish
to be with them, you may find a solution together; a solution that gives you
the freedom that you need to be even happier.
And if not, you ask? In this case; do not
despair; there is more than enough love and affection in the world to get your
needs met. You are a worthy person and there is no compelling reason to belief
that you will end up deserted. Most important is to keep true to yourself and
accept that not everybody is your friend. Yet, if you manage to live with
yourself, be sure that there are many others that can do the same.
As always, enjoy!
Sir Cameron
P.S. The Golden Dream
cocktail is one of the few official Dominion cocktails and is served at the
Court of Lord Cameron as short drink. Take a big tumbler and add 2 units fresh
orange juice, 2 units Curaçao triple sec (Bols or De Kuyper), 1 unit Liquore
Galliano L'Autentico and 1 unit fresh unsweetened cream, not whipped (sorry folks). All mix and stir briefly with a few ice cubs until the
side of the tumbler gets cold, strain into a pre-cooled cocktail glass without the
ice.
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