BDSM and vanilla relationships - Waiter, bring up the good stuff from the vault …

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

‘BDSM and vanilla relationships’ is part on the series on BDSM and social ethics


The many flavoured thing
Vanilla is by far the most popular ice-cream flavour and also otherwise it is widely used; e.g. in cocktails - like Golden Dream (see the recipe below) - whipped cream, vanilla sugar, cakes, bath foam and some women that I know even wear vanilla as a perfume. As such vanilla is a good marker for that which is considered as well tasting, widely accepted and in ever growing demand.

Consequently, in popular language the term vanilla developed as a genuine and positive expression of what we call romantic love. Over time it became a hallmark by which ‘normal’ sexuality and ‘normal’ relationships were denoted. In this sense, BDSM is not ‘normal’ and a flavour that perhaps one in ten people actually likes; although Sir Cameron and those on his Court do think that it is a great flavour and something that will be to the taste of many more persons, if they would only be willing to try out what our hot and spicy ‘kinky-cuisine’ has to offer. BDSM is not a diet or a replacement for vanilla, but an expansion on what is on our regular menu.


Who to tell (not)?
In my earlier post from the beginning of April with regard to the rationality of BDSM we have seen that the rationality of the BDSM experience is to be found in the way it functions in our praxis. A not unimportant facet of our kinky practical life is found in how we deal with others. This might be people that are not precisely advocating those things that we like to do; even when it is not with them we play out our urges. Therefore, most of the times it will be none of their business anyway, yet as it is with the weather; we have not caused it and cannot change it either, but everyone feels invited to talk about it. Even though I am open for clear and transparent relationships, when kink is involved, resorting to a need to know basis is perhaps a smarter option.

There are of course exceptions when it comes to outing yourself with regard to your typical branch of kinky sex. First and for all, you may have a partner, or an ex-partner - and the other parent of your child – who are often entitled to getting this kind of information disclosed to them, particularly when you run risks like getting bruises, being arrested by the police or a sexually transmitted disease.

Then there are your closest friends, your parents perhaps and maybe your psychiatrist too and you may need to see your doctor some day, while you still have visible proof of your joyous activity from the week before. Remember that medical professionals are obliged to doctor-patient confidentiality and in many countries a breach of secrecy from their part is a serious offence. See to it that you get a fair treatment and are not treated as inferior.

I definitely do not advice to get out in the open with your kink, unless you are not in the situation where you are vulnerable to harassment, ridicule or discrimination. And do not over estimate the tolerance of your society or sub culture. Even in BDSM clubs Sir Cameron is often opposing a lack of understanding for not using his real name. But for him trying to protect his identity is not out of shame or because of awkward feelings regarding his perversions, but rather for the sake of his private life and those involved in that. Not only are we entitled to have our privacy respected, but also our families and partners.

Do not think your children, friend or neighbours will find it a comforting and pleasurable thought to know that you like to confine someone to a cage during the next weekend or that they actually believe that getting spanked until your butt is black and blue is really sexy for you. They will likely not understand what it is that you do, nor feel comfortable with the idea’s that are part of your fantasy and your sexual roadmap. And why should they? So think twice before you tell someone and if you have too, be nice and show respect for their reservations. Taking others serious in their concerns and worries is the first step to getting your own ‘liberties’ acknowledged.


Vanilla partner(s)
In case you happen to have a vanilla spouse or partner that is appalled by your kinky fantasies and wishes and particularly when you want put those into a nasty and dirty praxis; I can only say: welcome on board; while as you read this, there are thousands and tens of thousand other kinky persons that find BDSM irresistible, yet cannot share it with those that they love and life with. And yeah, that really sucks big time!

When you think that living a double, secret life is the only – or the best – option in that case; consider this: facts on BDSM are a given that we can ignore, accept or try to promote. The way that we ourselves deal with our kink can greatly influence how others perceive it, especially uncertain partners. When you are with someone and that person is not kinky, that fact that you are a ‘pervert’ can be a real shock to them.

Sharing your kink may for that reason easily cause problems, even in non-sexual areas, ranging from Church attendance to what kind of friends are welcome at your next Sunday afternoon barbeque party. Not only will most partners feel bewildered when they first find out about your sexual deviation(s), they also might feel offended by it or face all kinds of internal fears; the fear to be losing you, the fear to be forced into playing someone who they are not, nor wish to be; the fear that you may get hurt (which is very likely when you are submissive in nature) or fear that you are sick and will get more extreme over time (which is a common phenomena too).

Moreover, in a relationship that has started as a - let’s say – more or less romantic ‘vanilla’ relationship; you have the normal matters of trust, loyalty and sexual exclusivity that goes with the idea of ‘the one and only’. And even when a relation has been open from the start, once made promises are still expected to stay that way. Of course, we all know that we change over a certain period of time. Nevertheless it is often expected that if you truly love someone, you are completely satisfied with the other person. This is of course a grievous misconception, resting on the age old dogmas of fidelity, monogamy and heteronormativity.

Hence, in reality it is probably smarter to see a once made promise as an ideal, an intention that you at that given time and with that particular person wished to follow up upon.

Consequently being true is a concept that you might need to reconsider over time. Imagine that you opted to be open and honest to each other, yet in the process of being together you find that you changed in one or more points and your partner has not. In general it is of course always your choice to be true to those you are together with, but once you find in yourself this wish to act upon this darker side of you, those long dormant but now awake urges that turn you on like a violently hot flame that brings this tension in your live that you so dearly have been lacking all those years, yes, than you may face another hard choice. Are you willing to trade your needs and wishes in exchange for staying in a relationship?

This is a very hard and difficult question, believe me. The relationship may still work, you can and may still love your partner, but what is when their ideals and views on truth no longer reflect your own? What is when your former happy life now becomes a prison that sort of forces you to go underground, with the risk that you feel like a cheater or which harms your self respect?

Even when it is hard to accept that you have neared the limits of your relationship, in order to stay mentally sound, you may have to face this and be forced to consider to what extent your current relationship is still working for both of you. Then a relationship is not about keeping promises or living in the same house, but rather an expression of your love and affection; the former are only means to achieve this.


BDSM priority
Let us, for a moment, turn away the focus from our relationship with your partner(s) and start with you. This blog is about us kinks and in favour of BDSM activity: we first start with us, so we can be there for others too. Not as a victim, not as a sinner, not as a sick pervert – though Sir Cameron loves sick perverts most of the time – or as an irresponsible immoral person, but predominantly as a partner with equal rights to happiness and fulfilment and with equal rights to have your needs met.

The fact that we may find our bliss in a different way is complicating matters. But pathologizing our kinky side - e.g. because is not fashionable - is not really a concept that will work on the long run. As an equal partner in a relationship, we are entitled to pursue our (sexual) happiness, just as our partner does. We definitely need to avoid being forced in the defence and feeling the need to justify why we are not ‘normal’.

Not being normal or being rejected because you are kinky is of course a terrible experience, but, as strange as this sounds, it is comfortable position in a way. For example, you will harvest sympathy among your fellow kinks for being repressed sexually by an intolerant partner or society. And feeling neglected is a powerful emotion to justify a double life, the usual way out; but a hard way too; then who does decide what we may feel?

To a certain extent the term ‘double life’ does not properly reflect what is going on. At work you are different as at home, just as you behave different with your partner(s), as with your neighbours – at least, most of the times. In a way this is all double too; in each and every relationship we show a different side of us, like we are playing roles that fit with that particular context. In the depth psychology of the Swiss psychiatrist C.G. Jung such roles are the complexes of the 'Persona', the masks that we wear. For Jung playing different roles is not seen as cheating, but just one side of who we are.

The mask is not something we necessarily do hide behind, but rather something that is adapted to what is expected from us with regard how we should be. The expectations and requirements of our surroundings force us to adapt in order to be an accepted part of the group. So seen, the mask is as much a reaction on our surroundings as it is something that we hide behind. Nevertheless, when kink is concerned, we often perceive such ‘roles’ as double, as it does mask parts of how and who we are; it actually is double to the extent that you apparently cannot be yourself without far reaching consequences.

That what is double is not per definition a matter of convictions, but predominantly a valuation regarding the truth or the priority of your convictions. The fact that sometimes your ideas and urges are being handled as something inferior is also something that is double. Most often such an attitude it is not justified either, then just as masks and roles can hide something, they can also display something; e.g. our richness in variation and diversity.

There is another side of the coin regarding the term double. We should understand that it is awkward to face something that is new, particularly when it is this slightly unusual thing as BDSM. Such feelings of awkwardness are unavoidable; and they are neither wrong nor right. They simply tell us how we feel and that we are, or are not, challenged by what we have heard or seen. Outing in BDSM can be just as tough as being the one that gets this stuff revealed. When we realize that this often mutual embarrassment and the flood of thoughts and emotions it can cause is not a matter of final judgement, but first a natural reaction and the way things go.

Our praxis has to show that we are still reliable persons and in many ways the same persons – and why not? Why should one sexual thing change who we are? We still love the dog, make good burgers or are an excellent lawyer. For those you love, to accept that things sometimes are double may take a while, but ultimately nothing is gained by reducing a person you know to one single praxis or mode of being. And if your partner cannot prevent reduction, does that not tell us something about their problems too?

As a free sadist, Sir Cameron will continue to represent BDSM as a reasonable praxis, provided those involved are sane and sound of mind. Being faced with prejudgements, discrimination or rejection is never pleasurable, but it can be really terrible if you find such attitudes displayed in the ones you love and appreciate. Ultimately, you have to accept that your partner must deal with their own emotions regarding your kink. When you are lucky, you have their trust and make them clear that having a need they cannot or do not wish to fulfil, does not mean they are insufficient; you can still love them and be grateful for what they do share.

If this will be sufficient for you is quite another question. Perhaps, once you proved to your partner, that you still wish to be with them, you may find a solution together; a solution that gives you the freedom that you need to be even happier.

And if not, you ask? In this case; do not despair; there is more than enough love and affection in the world to get your needs met. You are a worthy person and there is no compelling reason to belief that you will end up deserted. Most important is to keep true to yourself and accept that not everybody is your friend. Yet, if you manage to live with yourself, be sure that there are many others that can do the same.

As always, enjoy!

Sir Cameron


P.S. The Golden Dream cocktail is one of the few official Dominion cocktails and is served at the Court of Lord Cameron as short drink. Take a big tumbler and add 2 units fresh orange juice, 2 units Curaçao triple sec (Bols or De Kuyper), 1 unit Liquore Galliano L'Autentico and 1 unit fresh unsweetened cream, not whipped (sorry folks). All mix and stir briefly with a few ice cubs until the side of the tumbler gets cold, strain into a pre-cooled cocktail glass without the ice.

No comments:

Post a Comment