Mourning for Amy ...

Friday, February 15, 2013

I was severely shocked today when I read the following post on

"I have no idea what sex is all about even though I've been married on paper for 45 years. We had sex once that's it. He told me that it was disgusting, and promised it would never happen again and it hasn't. He won't talk to me lives his life in the basement and will only work the midnight shift. He won't even park his car next to mine. I really never experienced real sex or love. For some reason I believe in our vows, like they really do any good."

Signed: Amy

This is so hard to believe that one might be inclined to take it as a hoax. But what if it is not? What if there are more women who live their lives like Amy, not knowing sex. Or does she, without knowing?

She must - at least - have dreams, fantasies and perhaps - or even likely in 2013 – masturbate (which is am excellent way of having sex-with-one). Yet, it is still shocking to read such a post. For those who are free, everything is allowed. However, those who are bound by a sex negative morality - the idea that sex or a particular sexual act is something bad in itself - may suffer like our unknown Amy.

The fact that this suffering is perhaps the result of a free choice, to cling to once given vows or moral convictions, may not render us insensitive for the damage that suppressing ones sexuality can do to a persons psychical health. While not willing to be reductionist by claiming sex to be an essential part of our psyche, it nevertheless is for most of us: we experience ourselves as sexual beings.

Once we open our eyes to the fact that sexuality is first and for all a mental thing that does start and evolve in our mind, we can develop some sensitivity for the gruesome effects of limiting other persons sexuality by rules that are not accounting for human sexual behavior in its fullness and richness.

Like the German philosopher Lessing once said, by the mouth of Nathan the Wise; ‘they are not all free, those who mock their chains’ (my own translation SRC).

Let us, as sexual adults, sound and consensual practitioners and lovers of sex, never forget that all individuality is defined by rules that make us who we are. In this sense, we can only agree with Salomon Burke, when he sings: ‘None of us are free.’ (

However, when freedom is defined as having no limitations or borders or laws, are we still distinct as a person? Therefore, absolute freedom only exists as a transcendental idea, in factual life, freedom will always be limited by our respect or love for others – either this is man or thing, heaven or earth. And that what is out of love, is good and sets us free.

Did I just argue that free sex leads to morality? I do not think so, but at least I know that without morality, free sex does not work. When we limit freedom to our morality, we get close to Ayn Rand’s idea of egocentric individuality that has the right – not to say the obligation – to pursue individual happiness and wealth.

The objectivist tenet will likely shrug, when I appeal to mourn for Amy, but what do I know. Because I love sex and find it important, I think others may feel likewise. To read such a quote as the above, opens my eyes to a suffering that is not mine, but still very recognizable.

Regrettable as it is, Amy – and other like you – it is never too late. Human sexuality can and may flourish up to high age. When you feel it is your time, go ahead and take what is yours, then your sexuality has always been yours and yours alone. Live it with respect for your own urges and share it with love and caress.

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