Yet again, a new phrase, this time made from two concepts that I regularly have to deal with; viz. paramours and morality. As poly you regularly are contacted by those, who are looking for a new lover, that is ethical and sane, experienced and hot, and who knows what 'discretion' does mean.
Well ... do I know that? I think I do, as the polyamory community has another ethical concept which is called metamour. This is the (consenting) partner of your lover. For me, discretion means, that I take care that my lover is not having a illicit amorous adventure, but instead loves, fucks and enjoys me for her own happiness without cheating.
Discretion furthermore is the act of respecting your partner's other partners, who are capable to share their lovers with you and show compersion - the antonym of jealousy: the joy produced by knowing of something, unrelated to oneself, that brings a loved one joy. As you share your ethical lover with your metamours, so do they with you, making them kind of cool - at least in my eyes.
For a long time, I have struggled with declining monthly dates because a paramour wants to have sex, but on the premise of cheating. Fuck, do I want to have them ... most of the times. So, why being so stubborn? After all, you are not the one cheating on their partner(s), as they are not your partners, but theirs. And normally you won't get bad karma by serving a paramour with hot sex or steamy kink.
But they do - or at least most of the time imho. Being involved in the bad karma of others is sometimes unavoidable, as someone needs to do the job. Yet, knowing that you fuck a cheater is not feeling sexy to me. I think, cheaters are not sexy, as they lie and show actual disrespect for their partners, by bypassing them as friends, lovers and intimates.
It is not the act of sex or kink that is the problem, but the mindset of the one desiring to be a paramour. I cannot avoid to wonder on what other topics the cheater might be lying about ... STD comes to mind. On the other hand, one cannot be insensitive to the fact that many people who seek a discrete relationship to cherish their love and desires, are genuine seekers, unfulfilled or unhappy in their current partnership.
One thing should be clear; everyone is entitled to happiness, good sex and genuine love. Just as we are all entitled to be respected, cared for and valued. Being aware of your metamour just does all that, as you to a certain extend find yourself in the shoes of the metamour; you love that cute partner that you share intimacy with, you respect each other for not letting cheating slip into something as beautiful as love and above all, you feel accepted and respected yourself.
And - for me - this brings us to a crucial notion; viz. that of being regarded as an equal lover, with good intentions of love, care and respect to all partners, children and other metamours involved. I simply do not want to be the facilitator of illigit opportunities. As all of us, I also am responsible for my own happiness and sexual satisfaction and I simply do not want to be involved in cheating, stealing time, devotion and energy and taking from a relationship what is not being offered freely with consent.
The wonderful Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy already wrote about the ethical lover - I want to be an ethical lover and I think for me, other ethical lovers are a good match and unethical lovers, cheaters and illicit paramours are not. Perhaps the arguments are not justifying my choices, but they are mine to make. So here I am ...
Sir Cameron
