Mansplaining was Christianised
by the New York Times as the buzz-word of 2010. I had never heard about it, but
today I encountered the word twice. For me that functioned as a clear sign that
I had to put it on my agenda. As my views might interest others, I opted to
post it in my blog/writings. It is addressed to a fictive and fellow feminist
kinkster, so please keep that in mind while reading.
Dear sister,
As a kinky feminist, you will agree, that
"mansplaining" as such is annoying in the sense that it forms an
expression of the alleged paternal supremacy. And it is the sad truth, that our
society - for the most of it – remains full of examples where men try to explain
something to a woman in a condescending way, starting from an attitude of overconfidence
and not taking that woman’s own base of knowledge, expertise and intelligence
into account in a proper and adequate way.
Yet, as a word that uses a specific gender – in this case
male - mansplaining runs the risk of being a double-sided sword, then:
- first, it might be regarded as sexist towards men in general - and thus be misandrous - and;
- second, it might be regarded as essentialist in the sense that men should possess - or lack - the attribute of occasional mansplaining in order to be perceived as a man, and;
- third, it may be, that men - as a victim of their own paternalist upbringing, culture or religious stance - behave in a mansplaining way, because they mistake that for actually proper behaviour in a genuine attempt to communicate something valuable out of good intention.
This latter use of mansplaining is, of course, still undesirable,
but it should be regarded as a cultural default in some cases. And mansplaining
as being a genuine expression of paternalistic cultural bias does not require radical
scorn in such cases, but rather education and the careful raising of awareness
for women rights. Especially in kinky environments, traditional roles are used
instantly, instead of realizing, that we need to start as equals and
intrinsically remain equals, even when in play, inequality may be intended.
On top of that – and a bit leaning on the above mentioned point
three - as a feminist sadist and daddy-dom, I have to add, that mansplaining
can be a constructive and enticing part of the role-play that I - together with
my bottoms - wish to employ in, not dissimilar to using dirty talk, humiliation
or force in an – of course – full consensual play setting. Let’s call this
consensual mansplaining.
In this way, mansplaining can be taken for a form of deviant
behaviour that functions in a specific context that draws its energy flow from
the power-exchange that comes with given roles. Similar to the use of 'slut'
'anal-whore' or 'princess' are words that should not be carried outside the
safe play environment, also the praxis of consensual mansplaining can be
regarded as inherent to certain kinky roles and play-forms.
Proposals
As much as I oppose the general oppression of minorities, I
have severe hesitations to apply feminist discourse to kinky settings. Shadow
play, the left-hand-path, TPE; these are not the expressions where politically
correct mental statements do apply to, but rather these are the free and
unfiltered urges that sprout from our unreflected (animal) past or intentionally
activated desires centred around primal sexual power-play.
For that reason, I plea, that: (A) philosophical,
anthropological, psychological, religious and feminist reflection towards kink,
is something we should endorse and promote in kink theory or reflection on
kink, but like with any other world-view or scientific framework we ought to realize
that such starting points often lack compelling warrant when we wish to use them
for primarily non-logical praxis, like kinky sex or play.
Consequently, the human character of safe, sane, sound and
consensual kink may likely not be fully grasped by mere rational reflection
alone. And this, for the whole reason that our sexuality as such, is human behaviour
that mirrors our pre-rational evolutionary past, our unconscious dispositions
and our rational tendencies alike. Sexual behaviour is therefore not depleted
from rationality, but it also contains and instrumentalizes the human
dimensions of non-rational instincts and emotions.
Forcing any non-kink discourse over actual BDSM-play
activity as such, runs the risk of being reductive in nature, because it could easily
form an instance where rational arguments are valued above non-rational needs,
like the need for humiliation, pain or pervert sex. Luckily, consensual kink is
not a value-free space, as already the notion of explicit consent presupposes a
rational and committed pre-play negotiating between adult equals. Yet, applying
any kind of normativity to kink, should nevertheless be practiced with care and
consideration, as logical argumentations are by no means the sole driving force
of human behaviour - and particularly not when it is about kink or sex.
Therefore, I further plea that; (B) we specifically place
experiential kinky play in a laboratory-like context; the kinky professor fucks
around a little, and in doing so, finds liberty and discoveries that cannot be
found outside this safe play-space. As such mansplaining a bunch of silly sissy
girls in a play context, is both liberating and fun and in this context,
mansplaining has nothing to do with reduction of women or exaltation of male
faculties – per se -, but is simply playing with limits, roles and social
conventions within the boundaries of the agreement between players.
Conclusion
One can object to this praxis or not, but the freedom of sexual expression of two consenting adults must have priority over patronizing (pun intended) feminist discourse that transfers rational arguments to explicitly not logically meant deviant activity between sane players.
This said, I again agree, that sexist male pricks that uninvited
send lectures, dick-picks and other display of their allegedly dominant self-image
to kinky women, displays very unwelcome behaviour and makes our communities
less safe. At the same time, extreme femdom and feminist influence, or even alleged
female supremacy, should be weighed on the same balance, as any form of gender
related dominance and submission. As kink is not served by switching from
paternalism to maternalism, we should instead creatively use and employ both of
these cultural impulses in safe play and keep it there, for as far as we as
imperfect humans can manage to do so.
