“BDSM-D/s and Physics” is part of the series on
BDSM and philosophy
Introduction
Recently a sub wrote me that there are as many
styles of dominance as there are dominants. On face value this seems to make
sense, but is it also true? Where should the borders between individual style
and structural difference amongst dominants be seen and who is capable to
determine a broad validity of the findings?
Yet, what we perceive as dominance, is as any
BDSM term necessarily a concept that by its very nature is limited to its
practitioners, beholders and opponents who are all set in their individual
socio-cultural context including their own convictions about what is ethical
behaviour and what is not. In this blog entry on D/s and Physics we will try to
figure out what actually influences dominance and submission.
The limits of definitions
While visiting
your local or online kinky scene, you will meet different persons, each of them
with their individual kink and – what is even more important – their view on
kink and that what it is that constitute to ‘real’ BDSM.
As a
self-acclaimed BDSM-theorist – because that is what I do when I write essays
and BDSM-Blogs like this – I reflect on BDSM from a particular point of view.
Yet, I do of course not mean to argue that my theoretical approach is the only
valid one, of necessarily a better one, but – and that is what in my opinion
separates a mere belief from knowledge – by focusing on the structural side of
BDSM instead upon the mainly individual experience of it, I hope to trace,
find, understand and explain a few of the sides of BDSM that many of its
practitioners – if not all – have in common.
When we
take BDSM as it comes to us, we see diversity, but we also see a few specific
ways on how BDSM does and does not function. In phantasy and real life, when we
engage in BDSM we use the views we have and value that what is happening
accordingly. As such, we all understand BDSM and a very practical definition of
BDSM would accordingly be (1) BDSM is what feels like BDSM. It will be
oblivious that this might be an approach that works for each of us individually,
as it is per definition, a very individual feeling by which we relate to BDSM.
But in an
attempt to raise BDSM above the personal arbitrariness I will try to come up
with a view on Dominance that does not limit this to an individual view. Theoretical
reflection on BDSM is not explaining how BDSM or D/s should be or should feel
in your experience, but it is rather an attempt to explain what precisely it is
that constitutes a BDSM experience in general; which is a much broader
interpersonal view. In order to say something sensible in this regard, we shall
first look at those properties that seem to qualify BDSM as seen showing up in
the conversations between insiders and outsiders; this would be following
topics: power exchange, consent, paraphilia’s and sexual preference.
How does power exchange work?
For an
answer we would normally start by looking at how the dominant takes away the
power from the submissive, stress the consent, etc.; thus arriving at a more or
less functional description of power exchange. But I think there is more to say
to it.
First of
all, what is power? And secondly, why exchange it? In my view these two answers
are connected by the very physical notion of strong interaction, which is one
of the four forces of nature that lets us perceive the temporal reality of
things and occurrences. In nuclear physics we say that two (fundamental)
particles exchange energy in the form of another – real or virtual – particle.
To see
power as energy, as a flow, as a current or a force is very rewarding in order
to understand what is going on in a dungeon. The reason behind this is because
the exchange in power is not only involving a structure of command and obedience,
but also the notions of sexual tension, feeling energized or drained, flowing
into alternate mind states and not to forget the warmth caused by physical actions,
like beating, changed body chemistry or fucking.
From the
latter we will probably getting an idea why we agree to an exchange of power,
but also here there is more to add. Power basically is a force that causes
change. As such the exchange is done in order to change;
- a change in position (of more or less
power)
- a change in energy level (because power exchange is a sexy and turns us on)
- a change in perception (as we use roles
that differ from our normal situation)
This means
that the above mentioned distinction can help us to shed light on why dominance
in a BDSM context can be regarded from so many different angles.
When does BDSM qualify as paraphilia?
Generally
speaking we can regard kink as sick when we lose control over our urges and get
other people involved without their consent. So we can distinguish between
healthy and unhealthy BDSM depending on the presence of mutual consent. Not
consenting BDSM is dangerous and can lead to the kind of situations that are
used by non-kinks to label that what we do as sick.
A free
exchange does itself demand consent, but even when consent is given, this does
not mean that everything that we wish to do is also healthy or normal. For this
reason our community developed safe guards like, safe, sane and sound (SSS) or
risk aware consensual kink (RACK).
Much of
what is being done in the kinky community can be a topic of discussion when it
comes to being ‘sound’ or ‘sane’. From the side of the dominant or top, this
evaluation requires a profound knowledge of what is going on, what to do and
what not. Beside experience, good skills and a caring attitude, also good negotiations
before playing is advisable. Particularly, as the use of power and force can
result in seduction, manipulation and scheming. By the management of power a
dominant can be defined.
Sexual road maps
Our sexual
preferences constitute to our BDSM praxis. As always, differences in sexuality
- in its orientation, in its expression and in its intensity – show that sexual
characteristics are rather individual and person related. We would therefore be
ill-advised if we would go on regarding a particular role or sexual urge as intrinsically
worse or better; even regardless from the fact that BDSM needs both roles in
order to play effectively.
Our urges
are fuelled by what we seek to achieve, by what we dream and phantasize about
and by our own mental constitution. A mentally disordered person with
paraphilia will have different views of what is desirable as a sounder couple.
But also
unexperienced players may have many visions in the safe and consenting frame of
their private minds, yet BDSM reality may differ profoundly. As with any
activity, we need to check ourselves if we are up to it. Driving a car while
having been drinking heavily is a dangerous option. So when it comes to sanity
in our play, we need to be honest and attempt to objectively evaluate our
current condition. Are we ready? Have we a clear idea of how we will play out
the scene? Do we have enough time and proper conditions? What about our safety?
Particularly
here, I see the many styles of dominance relating to being a responsible adult
or not. Tops that do not distinguish between the history of O from the fifties
of the last age and the sex-positive feminist views that go along with many
ethical stances by BDSM practitioners, do not qualify for playing with
submissives. Unfortunately many still do, using the argument that a submissive
or a slave needs to obey, needs to give in and needs to show respect. Basically
this is true, provided we know what we are doing, how to do it and how to enjoy
what we do by having a good time.
Conclusions
Our mind is
leading us; it follows the energy and our instincts. Using our mind in BDSM is
just as essential as in any other part of our life. Unrealistic phantasy, not
planned scenes, unchecked assumptions and delusional self-image can and will do
harm to otherwise sensible BDSM play.
In a later
article I will go into more detail into what kind of dominance we theoretically
can distinguish. For now this should do as food for our thoughts.
As always,
I wish you good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the dungeon.
Enjoy – Sir
Cameron
