‘Uncertainty and shyness’ is part on the series
on BDSM and Psychology
(Keywords:
ritual play, Topping, bottoming, real and true BDSM)
bottoms up
In my
experience, uncertainty, low self esteem and being shy are disturbingly often
perceived as possible qualifiers to explain the behaviour of submissive,
masochist and slave bottoms. Well, at least, bottoms are thought to be like
that by the outside world, which – understandably - in general has problems to comprehend
the mechanisms that drive our BDSM urges and takes for too literal and
important that what is only part of our rituals of intimacy.
However, for
the insiders it is clear that being kinky has nothing to do with the above
stated qualifiers, even when indeed some bottoms can be displaying them in
abundance. Likely not just a few Tops think that such behaviour does suit them
fine too; which it – unsurprisingly - most of the times actually does. All provided
that such behaviour is part of our play by our choosing.
Yet, like
most Masters, Sir Cameron realizes that bottoms who suffer under who they are
and what they do, can be problematic as a play partner, or in a sub or slave
relationship; in a way one might even say that they represent impaired bottoms,
who are not qualified for play. Whereas a healthy self respecting bottom with knowledge
and understanding about their inner urges, fantasies and limits is way more preferable.
As such, ‘normal’
bottoms are able to support their Tops by responding with constructive
feedback, care and gratefulness. This may not be the type of bottoms, subs or masochists
that we perhaps meet in (pornographic) literature or in - porn movie inspired -
public awareness. That clearly cannot be accurate, as such roles and images are
meant to stimulate our fantasy and not as exemplary for a real life situation.
Does BDSM empower bottoms?
Instead of
empty stereotyped perversions of what we supposedly do, we in our BDSM praxis
are looking for real, sane and sensible people. Persons that show an amazing
assertiveness, a positive self image and a very good idea of what amount of
nastiness they prefer in life. These points denote for individual qualities
that can be regarded as excellent conditions for playing with them as bottom, sub
or slave – you name it -. And this is precisely so, because we all realize that
– structurally seen – effective BDSM thrives on our co-dependency.
Moreover, issues
like self esteem, assertiveness or modesty rather seems to be a general issue
of ones personality than that it would be something that can, or should be,
related to being kinky. Nonetheless, I will argue that this last position - of bottoms
being knowledgeable, self-confident and communicative - is paradoxically enough
quite often the result of being
kinky, instead of the reason for being involved in BDSM.
Why is that?
The first
reason perhaps, is that our kinky urges force us to go beyond our normal scope
of experience and invites us to look inside of our selves to find out if we are
okay. Okay with what we do and okay with who we are in our particular
role(play) and okay with others possibly knowing about it. Being a kink in the
real world is not the same as just being one in our imagination.
Outing as a
kinky person, goes hand in hand with the awareness that BDSM by the majority of
our fellow citizens is still perceived as something wrong, sinful or sick – at
least not a genuinely normal thing. Therefore, standing to your own sexual
identity and perversions in principle asks for a thorough consideration of our
position with regard to our own sanity. By reflecting on who we are - what we
need in order to feel complete and how it is safe and sound to be ourselves in
this way - we learn and discover how life works for us. In the process of
exploring our fantasy, urges and sexuality, we get to know ourselves better and
get the information that we require in order to be able to meet our needs in
joint forces with our peers.
‘Peers’ you
ask? Yes, peers indeed. In BDSM inequality is – relatively often - a mere conditional
part of the play. In order to let giving off power in an exchange process
function properly, the bottom first needs to have this power. And they need it knowingly
and at their command; as also the use of safewords – and the acknowledging of
this power-cut-off by following up on its meaning – does show.
A second
reason why many bottoms are in fact so powerful, stable and open minded, can be
found by seeing through questionable contradictions. In principle being shy and
self-conscious are not necessarily opposites. It is understandable that one
mistakes a role in a play for being representative for how those persons are
outside the scene: this will certainly apply in many cases, but does it necessarily
have to?
Motivations
We all know
the switching type, or the sexually submissive, that can be really bossy in hir
job, or towards the children. We explore such sides of ourselves and overly
faked roles alike, whatever is on our agenda. We are the players, remember? We
direct, fuel and spice this living out of our fantasies and wishes. And as
such, the opposite of shy, viz. being brisk, may well be a driving force behind
our play, or not. It does not really mater. Yet, without planned route you have
no idea if you fly in the right direction.
Accordingly,
the opposite of self-confidence is when you are not conscious of what it does require
for you to be – essentially - your self. This implies that you do not realize
to what extend your needs, your feelings, your deep desires; your strengths and
particularly your weaknesses influence your current behaviour. In order to get
kink working in your life, to be aware of your own psyche, your urges and your
limits is absolutely crucial.
By knowing
yourself and by holding yourself and your play partner(s) in high esteem, you display
that you know why you are doing what it is what you do. You can reflect on the why’s
and the how’s of events that heavily impact your emotions. The resulting awareness
gives you a valuable tool to improve working on your defences, your limits and
their transgression.
Please, do
not give a damn about what others say is the ‘real’ thing! Neither ’50 Shades
of Grey’, nor ‘O’ or your local slaveholders council defines what is ‘real’ or
‘true’ BDSM. Real is who you are and what you are doing. And when you are doing
it the way you need it, good for you! Stay true to yourself and grow. However,
this does not mean that you cannot learn a tremendous lot from the experience
of others, both by talking or by playing with ‘seniors’ in the field.
And for
sure, the awareness of knowing each others needs - and what you can give and
share with each other - forms an essential part of any relationship, not only
in kink. Romance also only works when you play it by the rules. Yet, in kink it
is perhaps even more important to abide by the rules, as a wrong motivation or
poor understanding of the others needs, can end up in a mess. Therefore, the
ideal case is when two self-conscious meet (regardless of whether their coming
together was hesitant or clashing).
bottoms and ‘their’ poses
Good
bottoms are immensely sexy to Tops. Some Tops ‘suffer’ heavily because they easily
fall in love (yes we can!) with those adorable, small, helpless, fragile,
anxious bottoms, who - once they are conquered - start clinging to and feeding
on the Tops strength and - if we don’t control them - squeeze the Top out like
a lemon.
Occasionally,
we might be inclined to accept such behaviour, but in general love or lust should
not compensate for structural deficiencies. On the contrary: the BDSM version
of love is the mutual blowing up of barricades in order to be able to transcend
seemingly unattainable limits. This takes courage, but it's the best chance to
enjoy a lifetime of love, happiness and hot steamy passion!
Some poses
a bottom takes, like uncertainty, shyness of even submission itself, are just functional
poses. We can and certainly may identity with such enthralling poses when
engaged in play or outside - but to principally carry this beyond their functionality
is a matter of personal flavour. It is perfectly normal for both Top and bottom
to return to a non-role state after play, where we have a fairly normal
attitude towards each other. Sir Cameron is utterly annoyed by delusions
regarding Sadists being horrible nasty and hideously vicious for 24/7 – as if
we Sadists, Tops and Dominants are not entitled to be gentle to other beings.
Woe on them who do not believe this! Sophia, heat up the branding irons! – oops
what did I say?
Now, to re-assure
those neatly bottoms who are shy, uncertain and soft and weak by nature, I can
only stress; do not worry; we still need and cherish you – even when you have
to suffer for it! Whatever; just take care that you find persons that respect
you for who you are and not only for what you might have to offer. Find
partners in Mastery who do not exploit you against your actual needs. A healthy
Top does not need that anyway.
On the
other hand, if you have a personality problem, and even when a Topping person
can be a great help to you, BDSM is no alternative for therapy. If you, as a
person, need to heal and solve personal problems, find a therapist and work on
these issues with a professional. Despite that kinky play can be outright
beneficial to finding out how you are wired; your partner(s) will likely be
looking for a partner, not for a patient (except when playing ‘Doctor Dark’ or ‘nurse
needy’ … )
At the
other side, honored ‘Topsies’ and dear ‘bottomses’; feel free to be open about
all your needs; when you cannot communicate your thing, your hard limits or
your hottest fantasy to your partner(s), why are you playing at all? What are
you trying to prove? Do not be afraid to loose your charm by being assertive;
in the Dominion of Lord Cameron, we have made the experience that none of us
kinky folk is a one trick pony and even that - allegedly - passed stations are
great fun to return to, then our rituals have layers of meaning and it takes
time and practise to get to know them all.
BDSM Ritual play
Ritualism
as such is without any doubt a functional trait; when arranging a scene, we use
the rite to our advantage, so we get a reward out of it. Consequently, whatever
rituals, roles or posses we choose to explore in our play, let them be clear; the
reward will only be higher. And even when it should not be our goal to fly from
the one height to the other, being ‘on air’ for sure is a good feeling.
Rituals can
help us in this regard; rituals are the key and the tools to prepare a space of
secrecy where we can be whoever we wish to be, even if it is only for once. We
resemble one another in what we see together, in what we suffer and enjoy together.
Fantasies change from individual to individual, but the reality of the ritual is
common to us all. Striving towards realism is therefore legitimate in BDSM play,
for it is basically related to laying the substrate for the imaginative expression
that we bring about.
In our
ritual play we resonate on such sources as the self and the cultural stance on
self-indulgence. BDSM rituals thus help us to form and liberate our sexuality
in a save and controlled way that does justice to our humanity in an appealing ceremony.
Enjoy! –
Sir Cameron