Sin a big word. Loaded with images from age old religious convictions, we often connect sin with God, Church and all kinds of forbidden forms of sexual expression. For this reason, sin is not a popular term in the BDSM-world. We are more a practical community, focused on human needs and humane ways to find a safe way to get our needs met. Why then sin?

In this blog entry we will examine the connections between sex and sin as seen from four different angles: the religious view, the societal view, the feminist view and the sex-positive BDSM view. Together this will provide us with insight of the past, present and future of BDSM actions. And of course, the sin to change …


From sin to sex – unavoidable from a religious point of view
For many of us who still have been raised in a Judean-Christian context, the step from sex to sin is only a small one. Assuming that the Old Testament was written in Babylon; the Bible can be seen as a collection of religious texts that date back roughly 2-2.5 millennia ago. As such – seen from a literal perspective – they accordingly represent the views of the individual authors and the cultures they lived in.

So seen, there is nothing wrong with these ideas; they are part of history and some of these values have been proven useful and other have not. Otherwise, there seems to be something wrong with these ideas, as they are still regarded as an authority by many followers of the one Christian faith. And for those who see a larger entity or power behind the texts that we have, the views on sex that the historical authors once had, are often seen as binding for all ages.

But it is not this kind of more or less Christian concept of sin or sex I wish to address, but rather the effect that change has on tradition. Any acceptance of new convictions brings along that we now reject other convictions, because we no longer hold them valid. So seen, traditional views on sexuality, perversion of sexuality and the morals of sexuality are not easy to change as long as the institutions that maintain the moral, religious or legislative power do not likewise see this change of mind as necessary. Therefore, for a majority of the world, their sexuality is not based on freely living out what they desire, but rather to conform their sexual identity and urges to the strict guidelines of the religions they adhere to.


From sin to sex – hardly avoidable from a societal point of view
When religious convictions regarding sexuality govern large parts of the world, they also do in most societies. Due to the separation of Church and State in the free West, some critique on religious authority has started to grow since the renaissance and lead to the current situation of declining numbers in Christian converts, the rise of fundamentalism and many wars between science and religion.

In the free West, human rights have become the basis of public morality, but still religious convictions do play a major role in the assessment what sexual behavior is acceptable for society and what not. We only have to look at China, where despite being an essentially atheist culture, nevertheless the sexual freedom is very limited. As with many not so open societies, political views have taken the place of religious texts and even when sex offenders are called offenders and not sinners, the result is the same; rejection of who those people are and punishment for what they do.

In a way, even in the free West we needed quite some time to free ourselves from prejudges. Less than forty years ago same-sex orientation was seen as a mental disorder. Sadomasochism still is by many in our ‘open minded’ society. And the mechanisms are always the same; those who  have the power to influence moral findings use all the power they have to continue their own story of what is right and wrong.


From sin to sex – sometimes avoidable from a feminist point of view
Feminism brought many good things to society. The best thing was that they brought back the awareness that when female rights are ignored, society as a whole cannot prosper and grow. As such feminism was a mechanism of change which – amongst others - did address female sexual rights – regarding birth control, regarding the own legitimacy of female sexuality, regarding respect and safety for females as sexual beings.

So seen, did feminists add to necessary changes in society, but its effects could have been much larger if not religious convictions would have claimed control. With this I mean the idea of female superiority – which is not there – or the idea of regarding all institutional power - and particularly abusive power – in Government, Church and society, as strongholds of male interest.

Together with this battle of the sexes, also the view on what female sexuality was or should be got very thoroughly deconstructed and reconstructed again. As any theorist or activist is influenced by their individual upbringing, sub-culture and experiences, feminism fell apart in many different groups that consequently started to battle for the label of ‘true’ feminism.

There was and is still more openness for change, growth and maturity, but the energies now seem mostly spend or directed at New Age religious movements. Once academics discovered feminism, the warriors of the first two waves were regarded as too radical and normality set in as usual.


From sin to sex – avoidable from a BDSM point of view
Leaning on sex-positive feminism, many same-sex persons and kinks started to free themselves from the shackles of religion, tradition and Freud. Sex is no longer seen as sin, but sin is seen as holding on to truths that find no warrant in reality. Sin is in a way seen as failing to be the person one could actually be when one would be liberated and free.

The mechanisms that govern such a process are based on views like the above mentioned sex-positive feminism, but also on new insights in genetics (with regard to the gender issue), evolution theory (with regard to the development of sexual behavior) and in sexology (about how sex actually relates to us being human).

From depth psychology we have learned that most of our psyche is still subconscious. We learned about how desires function, how society and religion influence our behavior and how we can connect religious issues and concepts like sin, guilt and freedom with rational concepts like Archetypes of God, the Great Mother, the Shadow and the eternal male Animus and the eternal female Anima, to name just a view.

Taking those mechanisms into account, sex-positive thinking has brought us a revaluation of sexuality which effects in less condemnation and more patience, acceptance and understanding for both modern and historical views.


From sin to sex – The sin to change …
The sin to change is taking the chance of improving your sexual life. This can be seen as a sin, when your society does not agree with that change. For BDSM this is still the case for most of us. Many of my friends outside and in the Dominion cannot fully out themselves; too hard the consequences regarding our jobs, neighborhood or families.

When Sir Cameron goes out with two of more women, you see the people think. Once you cuddle all of them, a hand here, a kiss there, you literally see their worldview displayed on the screen of their facial expressions. Disbelief, disgust, envy, curiosity; to name just a view. Which is all okay, of course. No one should think that these persons are not entitled to their opinion, but it sucks big time, when you go out with your subs and then get remarks like; “do you wear something under that?”, “do you need a real man?”, “may I try her ass too?” (males do ask things like that) and “why do you do that?”, “have you been a victim, or manipulated?” or “dumb sluts!” (which are typical female remarks).

Out on the street you can expect intolerance, after all, we are the abnormal with a sick sexuality. Yet even the BDSM scene itself is again getting less tolerant as it was in the nineties. For this I see a few reasons.

• First we have the enfolding curse of pornography that uses sexual images to govern our sexual experiences and does not communicate that masturbation fantasies are not a good recipe for relations and sexual interactions that are not based upon fucking like animals.
• Secondly, we see an attitude when truth, morality and justice are involved that can be seen as an increasingly relativist position. As anyone has his own truth and nothing is generally valid, you can be as egocentric as it goes.
• Thirdly, many newcomers to the scene are attracted by the sheer sexuality of what we do, but on the other hand are not really aware where this attractions is based upon and what it actually is what they seek.

In a next blog, I will work out these three points in order to see what challenge we face and how we can use pornography, egoism and curiosity for the better of all of us.


Conclusion
Summarizing we can say that sin and sex have a common past. Sin and evil are intrinsically religious concepts that are used to show how we can live a life in honor of the Deities such religions represent. Control over sexual behavior also meant control over the population, consumption and satisfaction. It that what comes naturally, is converted into a culture of shame and guilt, the priests and prophets have a valuable coin that can be cashed in any time they choose.

Resistance against change in sexual behavior can thus be seen as an attempt to conserve power. An understandable but not always reasonable mechanism. At the end, the facts usually wins. If not, the casualties will be high; as history has shown, when most perverts have been victims and have been pathologized in order to avoid having to change the leading opinions.

The solution will be to avoid both terminology like sick or discriminated, but to dynamically use the concept of ‘sin’, ‘evil’ and ‘bad’ to explain where history and tradition got it wrong. Because humans are very sexual beings, the number of listeners will grow. Perhaps if we learn to channel sexual energy properly, a better world will get closer – at least it will have a lot more fun.

Enjoy and stay healthy

Sir Cameron

One of my mentees asked me a good question: “What is your most powerful psychological training for subs?” The reason behind it is obvious; as a good top, the submission of our bottom(s) is one of the two thing that makes us happy. (The other thing would be orgasms). This blog entry is about finding a few markers that can be used while topping. A psychological tool bag, so to say.

Where is bottoming about?

The question is what is to be achieved by psychological training, as not all bottoms are alike: one likes to be trained as a pony, others want to be a classical serva or just being punished in the context of a kinky roleplay. Furthermore, normal persons are resilient against a too obvious form of manipulation, so it has to be something refined in most of the cases. Or at least a training that takes the existing psychical renitency into account.

Remember, that all I am talking about concerns consensual BDSM. Using psychological ‘tricks’ without outspoken previous consent of both/all partners, can be seen as a form of abuse. Particularly the mental side of abuse is a nasty thing that is often misunderstood. I also think that this is the reason why sadists are potentially the worst kind of abusers; because they will attempt to fuck the mind too. 

So, no abuse, or abusive manipulation. It is not that I think that many tops have an issue with this, but I just want to be thorough and emphasize that only safe, sane and sound BDSM can give us a rationalization for what we – as kinky folk – actually do. 

Plotting the scheme

Now, where are we? If we know our bottom(s) – and at least in the preparation of a play this kind of information should be gathered – we have a good idea about what they want. The first thing is to see if we – as tops – feel up to it: does their fantasy met with ours. In the scene it might be regarded as ‘weak’ when tops feel not up to something (e.g. rape-play), but I think tops have limits too and are by no means obliged to ‘perform’ on the whims of their bottoms (for some reason the phrase ‘fuck yourself’ comes to mind). The second thing is to decide if the fantasy of the bottom can be realized immediately, or if further preparation is needed. I understand the question regarding the most suited psychological training related to this second question: how to prepare and lead.

Taking into account that both the fantasy and the experience level of top and bottom are very much dependent on the individuals involved, it is hard to give a general advice on what kind of psychological training works best. The most important thing is to find out: a) what kind of bottom someone wants to be, b) to asses in how far this is doable and then c) set out a route to get there. I realize that most dominants just want a bottom to be shaped after their own imagination, but unless a top absolutely knows its own desires, the forming of others can be tricky. For a while it will be fun, but the day will come that either top or bottom find no longer that satisfaction in the play for which they started it. By continuous negotiation it can be achieved that mutual interest are being respected, so – in an altered form - the BDSM-show can go on. Egoist usually do not play very long.

Renitence and roles

If a top or bottom has a lot of experience, there will not be much training required. Most of the times, it will likely be a matter of connection and chemistry. For beginners the issue of training does involve the gathering of playing experience by playing a lot. Once the consent is there, once the mutual desires are shared and the road is planned, the actual training can start.

Coming back to the issue of renitence. Remember that in the form of BDSM which we play in the Dominion of Lord Cameron (DOLC), the play is seen as role play. We are tops and bottoms in a particular situation, or even all the time, but we are not always playing. So seen, training a bottom must not – but can be – a full time job. We are neither always eating, nor swimming, nor kissing. What I mean is that we have to distinguish between being a top or bottom and the expression of being a top or bottom in a play; do we play because we are a top, or are we tops because we play?

From this last question, we can see that role play is complicated. When in addition the distinction between fantasy and real play is taken into account, we come a bit closer to some answers. We have stated our wishes and negotiated a goal; yet while being on BDSM-road - in vicious action I hope – we meet with limits, borders and inner convictions that result in blockades, a change of heart or renitence. As such this is logical human behaviour and we play in order to learn and grow. To achieve growth we have learn to manage certain emotions, get a clear view on how our initial expectations relate to reality and to understand what is difficult for us and why this is so. I regard renitence as nothing but a clue to the solution provided by the one that is going to be even more profoundly bottomed.

Now, what about those tips?

One task for tops in psychologically coach their bottoms is to be found in communication where and why their behaviour needs training. This requires trust and leadership. So, essentially the first strong marker for powerful psychology is the right mind set, and this includes being interested in the development of your bottom and in wanting to lead your bottom. Of equal importance is the willingness of the bottom to accept guidance and correction. If every step or submission needs to be battled for, something is going wrong. Of course, you might have to put that bottom down occasionally, and they will bounce back in return, but you need to be sensible to grasp the dynamics of a play and thus distinguish it from real internal resistance.

This brings us to the second strong marker for powerful psychology: your bottoms feelings are okay. Bringing someone to their designated place is tough, but great work, as such. But we have to understand that while we travel on BDSM-road, we will occasionally have to take a break. Feelings get in our way. This does not occur because feelings are stupid – even when they can be – or that feelings are unimportant. Not at all; feelings are there for a reason; and that reason is that our feelings and that of our bottoms have something to say to us. If we feel lonely, we require attention. If we feel lucky, we might want to share it, or enjoy it in private. If we are feeling scared, we simply may have had a negative experience in the past that we perhaps are no longer even aware of. Yet, such feelings of fear, uncertainty and distrust are not entirely negative. At least, not as long as we understand their role as signs that can help us to better leadership. Understanding feelings and knowing how to manage them is thus paramount to good topping praxis.

The third strong marker for powerful psychology is: trust your gut feelings. As BDSM in the view of the Dominion (OLC) is a rather pro-active form of (sexual) self-expression, trusting your instincts is something you have to be enabled to. To afford to rely on your gut feelings presupposes that you can actually rely on them. Self-knowledge and self-trust are key to good topping. When you are quiet within and surf the emotions of your bottom, you have to ‘feel’ the currents change, ‘hear’ the wind getting stronger or weaker and to ‘taste’ the salty tang of the sea of passion on your ‘virtual’ tongue. If your intuition sucks, you only have your head to rely on. This can work up to a certain extent, but Sir Cameron and his bottoms know that for the real deal, a lot of shadow work needs to be involved and that Sir Cameron being a ‘dark’ Lord is simply because he understands the power of the dark side.

As many foundational motivations in BDSM come from deep inside of us, it comes as no surprise that our intuition and instincts play such a prominent role. I therefore advice any top that wishes to get under the skin of the bottom and deep inside the bottoms head, to study the Jungian psychological concepts of the Shadow and the Anima/Animus complex. Not only will you better understand the depth of BDSM-play, but also you will have a tool to work with. Knowledge is power and much of the power of tops is founded in knowing to do the right things at the right time. Again, I regard intuition as most striking, but also theoretical knowledge and the knowledge that comes from experience are all of vital importance.

This brings us to the fourth strong marker for powerful psychology: learn and practice. Studying BDSM theory is one of the ‘raison d’etre’ of the Dominion (OLC). When knowing what it is that we do, we can not only take responsibility for it (empowerment), but also develop the skills that need a touch more perfection. Besides having the mind-set of a top, acquiring skills is the second pillar of successful topping. BDSM is something that requires a continuous adjustment of imagination towards reality. Feeling the sting, using that snake whip, hearing that bottom lose orgasm control; these things cannot be learned from books alone (and not even from my blogs). BDSM play is practical play the rest is imagination.

Conclusion

Summarizing we can say that practical experience, trusting your guts, management of emotions and being into your bottom are the markers we have been looking for. For those who expected a guide on how to convert that cute decent housewife or market merchant into a docile servant and sex slave may be less happy. Now, Sir Cameron has brought bottoms that never kneel to their knees – and he got a kick out of it – and he has brought bottoms to their limits and beyond – because after all, they want to fall and loose it. Yet, there is simply not a way of copying this or that, as any relationship between top and bottom has its own rules. All we can do is to trace universals.

The biggest insight – for me - is perhaps that the question for psychological ‘tricks’ is in itself a sign of hesitation. A good and healthy sign it is, because knowing what you do and why you do it adds to our safety net - but we have to get beyond the rational part. Once we are top, we should become that viciously sexy pirate that kidnaps the Damsel in Distress, the Inquisitor that let those bottoms confess their sins under torture, the Master that controls that ass and the mind behind it, the Mistress who is truly divine to her slaves, and freely let them drink her ‘blessing’. 

Once we have internalized the tools, once we know them by heart, once we also know their limitations, we can step into that flow anytime, because it now flows through us; the flow whose currents lead us to strange new places and to wonderful bliss; the flow that at the end slows down and brings us to forever land, where little songbirds fly and dreams really do come true.

In remembrance of Eva C. ----

Sir Cameron

P.S. Enjoy and stay healthy

This blog entry is part of the series on BDSM and psychology

Introduction

Lately I watched a documentary on transgender persons that touched me very much. I have to admit in advance, that the Dominion in general and Sir Cameron in particular is very open minded to most sort of sexual deviance and wishes to be supportive to transgender, transsexual and cross-dressing persons.

Yet, what we shall discuss in this blog is not the theory of gender and sex, nor the possible sexual orientations of LGBTQ persons, but that of their relationship with their partners. For as far as BDSM is concerned, I think we might learn a lesson by the old instrument of analogy. After all, whatever brand of sex or sexual identity you are in too, consenting partners will always be an issue; particularly with kink as it forms one of the criteria by which we regard ourselves as sane or as sick.

As ever, we are exploring, not rejecting. Please feel no offence when we address things that might hurt you; it is not intended.

The fear of being a 'not-normal' person

This might be a tough thing to understand, but whatever issue comes up that involves a gender role, sexual orientation, fetish or kink, most people in our society, neighbourhood, friends and relatives still react on any deviation with disbelief, rejection, repulsion or fear. How much this may hurt, I have always pleaded to remain tolerant, also to those who are not showing tolerance towards us.

Beside, even amongst kinky insiders, old age beliefs regarding gender duality and the classical male-female roles are still very much alive. One of the most frequent questions I get when I admit that I – as a sadist - play kinky scenes with both men, women and transgender persons, is that if I am a homosexual person. My answer is always the same; my whip has no gender.

Yet, I of course understand the need for labels and I use them frequently in this blog. As BDSM theorist one can simply not write adequately without them. On the other hand, a label as a theoretical description is mainly for clarification of a particular urge or behaviour, as a person we are always much more than just this or that.

Are such questions wrong?

Basically, I do not think so. For a start we may simply conclude, that by asking such a question - regarding sexual orientation, perversions being sick or the fear that we will get off track even more – can be a genuine one. It may be that our worldviews collide, it may be an expression of worry, it may be an expression of intolerance; but it is a mere fact that many people carry misconceptions and by being insulted we lose the opportunity to explain. In addition, we force ourselves in the defence, a role that gives us less power and less satisfaction, as we most likely react negative while we feel hurt.

This is one of the points that will be very much depending on where you as a kinkster or person that is outing a sexually different role do live; what place, what culture and in what family circumstances.

The younger generations who grew up with more sexual freedoms as their parents might find many things a bit far-fetched or not an issue at all. I pleases me if that is the case, because it means you are freer as many in the scene actually are or can be.

In the documentary there was a transgender person who outed transsexually as male to female, and who had real fear of being a homosexual. Now, we all know that is nothing to be afraid of, but for this woman, being regarded as a same-sex oriented man felt wrong. So, I do emphasize, in her case, her fear was understandable. Unfortunately, she was married and had children. So once she outed her spouse and her child refused her choice, rejected her sexuality and eventually kept calling her by her old male name. Which, of course, is an utter insult and shows how intolerant, discriminating and hateful people can be, even those you love and care for.

This is the kind of pain many kinks and LGBTQ can understand, as most of us have experienced this kind of reactions and thus we know how it hurts.

Why is consent such an issue?

In my last blog I stated that; “generally speaking we can regard kink as sick when we lose control over our urges and get other people involved without their consent. So we can distinguish between healthy and unhealthy BDSM depending on the presence of mutual consent. Not consenting BDSM is dangerous and can lead to the kind of situations that are used by non-kinks to label that what we do as sick.”

I have to admit, that we – including polyamory, kink, LGBTQ - sometimes still are regarded ‘sick perverts’, even when we play sane, safe and sound and in full consent with our play partners. And here is a novelty that we use in the Dominion. It is not a real novelty, but nonetheless an extension of what is generally regarded as consent, in the sense, that we involve all the partners we are in a relationship with.

This means, that when you are in the position that your partner does not agree with your urges, you will have to negotiate in order to keep your relationship alive. It should be very clearly communicated that this goes both ways. We regard it as poor play when we cheat on our partners, as we give up on them, pursue only our private pleasures and not the wellbeing of our partner(s) and our relationship with them.

We can still love our partner, take care of them, have sex, pay for the mortgage, play soccer with the kids, even when our sexual preference changes. Basically it is an inner development that we more often as not have not sought or opted for. Change is an inherent property of life and not all chances are pleasurable or desirable.

Feelings of guilt, loneliness, anger, pain and despair are understandable and often also justified. What is not justified is the refusal of change. If you e.g. discover at 38 that you are a bi-sexual submissive, this does not mean that your partner has similar feelings, nor should they have. What you however should expect is to be taken seriously with your urges. Love is not unconditional, nor loyalty, but honesty always works best.

Consider, when you bottom with a person of your sex, in what do you actually ‘cheat’ if your partner does not wish to top, nor a sex-change, so in what is that person justified in feeling betrayed? And why is being faithful always connected with sex?

Most likely, the clue will lie in their vision regarding the mutual future, in their perception of the quality of the relationship or in their beliefs perhaps. All perfectly understandable, but it turns out to be a very individual motivation, driven by what your partner loses, feels being taken away from them or by what they regard as sexually unacceptable.

As any person, your partner – and remember partners usually partner for a reason – is entitled to their opinion, but so are you. In an equal partnership, or a partnership of equals there is no other way to deal with change as to speak and argue about it. By seeking to communicate your own needs, you show that you take both your urges and your partner seriously and meanwhile also value your partner’s opinion and consent. By keeping silent, by ‘cheating’ and by living a double life, you harm yourself, your relationship and your reputation. It is not worth it.

By being open to your partners, you show the wish to be at par with them. If they simply reject you and throw you out of the house, they do not see that the other way around. Just like we do towards them, our partners have the obligation to take care of us. By labeling us as perverts, sick or sinners, they are actively seeking justification to move away from their own promises.

In that case, we can regard the ‘label’ as an expression of intolerance, irrespective or it is socially, politically or religiously founded. We can do so, because we hurt no one, take our responsibility and make use of our right to sexual self-expression. There is no reason to feel less humane as others, no medical reason, no ideological reason and no practical reason, as we do not bother them at all.

As with religious intolerance, we can also regard sexual intolerance as an act of fundamentalism.

Yes, but …

No but’s here, I think. Not enabling consenting adults to privately live out their own chosen sexual identity is simply not an act that shows respect to nature’s diversity, the freedom of thought and the very human pursue of sexual happiness. Period.

When your partner, your parents, your friends, your colleagues, your children cannot accept you as who you are, while privately acting as a consenting adult, they are simply being fundamentalist. They may have their reasons for their convictions, but what they actually are doing is to say that their ideas, their beliefs, their urges are more important than ours, that we are not equal in worthiness, that we are not equal in our freedoms and that we are not equal in our rationale.

It will be obvious, that fundamentalist still regard their views as superior, and they may, but they do not have to become a fundamentalist. I know many people who think that my way of life is not working – yet, they do not wish to condemn me, to reject me or to limit my freedoms, as long as I respect their freedoms too.

I have personally been in the situation that my partners eventually could not live with the fact that I am who I am. Some rejected me because I am a sadist, even when I had no BDSM-relationship with them. Other rejected me because I am polyamory, even when I had been open and honest and even sexually faithful and loyal with them. It was not even by my acts that I was rejected, but simply because of my convictions.

Who is poor?

The answer will be obvious; the fundamentalist is poor, because they have not a factual basis for their assumptions – like scientific evidence, a psychologically relevant diagnosis or non-consenting behaviour that harms others – but only an opinion.

We should – in general - respect each other’s opinion, for as far as we have a warranted argument for it, and we even could respect opinions that are unfavourable to us, as long as we are not being forced to live according to their assumptions to what is a healthy sexual expression.

I do not force anyone to have a sex-life like I have it, or even a sex-life at all (and there seems to be quite an unhappy lot in that situation, despite the abundance of opportunities and love available). I do respect the public place and do not display overtly obvious perversions – at least not to the extend as normal television programs or advertising do show stereotypical heterosexual binary gendered macho crap that contain the many lies that make the – at least small - majority of our fellow citizens rather frustrated when it comes to sex and relationships.

Only in this blog, I get rather outspoken. And those in opposition to it, the cross that delivers you is at the upper right corner of this screen.

Conclusions

In this blog I argued about the importance of consent. Not only between those we play with, but with regard to all persons we have an (intimate/romantic) relationship with. I suggested that the pursuance of sexual happiness is legitimate and humane. In order not to do this at the cost of others, I stressed the importance of communication and the mutual respect that we as partners should have; this includes that our partners know what we feel and what we do. Finally, I emphasised the notion of equality in having a right to one’s opinion. When we do not agree, we should part as friends. When we find a work-around, our relationship has gained, not lost. Being open, flexible and vulnerable, is always more difficult, but ultimately better as sacrificing a working relationship for mere ideology.

As always, I wish you good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the dungeon.

Enjoy – Sir Cameron

“BDSM-D/s and Physics” is part of the series on BDSM and philosophy

Introduction

Recently a sub wrote me that there are as many styles of dominance as there are dominants. On face value this seems to make sense, but is it also true? Where should the borders between individual style and structural difference amongst dominants be seen and who is capable to determine a broad validity of the findings?

Yet, what we perceive as dominance, is as any BDSM term necessarily a concept that by its very nature is limited to its practitioners, beholders and opponents who are all set in their individual socio-cultural context including their own convictions about what is ethical behaviour and what is not. In this blog entry on D/s and Physics we will try to figure out what actually influences dominance and submission.

The limits of definitions

While visiting your local or online kinky scene, you will meet different persons, each of them with their individual kink and – what is even more important – their view on kink and that what it is that constitute to ‘real’ BDSM.

As a self-acclaimed BDSM-theorist – because that is what I do when I write essays and BDSM-Blogs like this – I reflect on BDSM from a particular point of view. Yet, I do of course not mean to argue that my theoretical approach is the only valid one, of necessarily a better one, but – and that is what in my opinion separates a mere belief from knowledge – by focusing on the structural side of BDSM instead upon the mainly individual experience of it, I hope to trace, find, understand and explain a few of the sides of BDSM that many of its practitioners – if not all – have in common.

When we take BDSM as it comes to us, we see diversity, but we also see a few specific ways on how BDSM does and does not function. In phantasy and real life, when we engage in BDSM we use the views we have and value that what is happening accordingly. As such, we all understand BDSM and a very practical definition of BDSM would accordingly be (1) BDSM is what feels like BDSM. It will be oblivious that this might be an approach that works for each of us individually, as it is per definition, a very individual feeling by which we relate to BDSM.

But in an attempt to raise BDSM above the personal arbitrariness I will try to come up with a view on Dominance that does not limit this to an individual view. Theoretical reflection on BDSM is not explaining how BDSM or D/s should be or should feel in your experience, but it is rather an attempt to explain what precisely it is that constitutes a BDSM experience in general; which is a much broader interpersonal view. In order to say something sensible in this regard, we shall first look at those properties that seem to qualify BDSM as seen showing up in the conversations between insiders and outsiders; this would be following topics: power exchange, consent, paraphilia’s and sexual preference.

How does power exchange work?

For an answer we would normally start by looking at how the dominant takes away the power from the submissive, stress the consent, etc.; thus arriving at a more or less functional description of power exchange. But I think there is more to say to it.

First of all, what is power? And secondly, why exchange it? In my view these two answers are connected by the very physical notion of strong interaction, which is one of the four forces of nature that lets us perceive the temporal reality of things and occurrences. In nuclear physics we say that two (fundamental) particles exchange energy in the form of another – real or virtual – particle.

To see power as energy, as a flow, as a current or a force is very rewarding in order to understand what is going on in a dungeon. The reason behind this is because the exchange in power is not only involving a structure of command and obedience, but also the notions of sexual tension, feeling energized or drained, flowing into alternate mind states and not to forget the warmth caused by physical actions, like beating, changed body chemistry or fucking.

From the latter we will probably getting an idea why we agree to an exchange of power, but also here there is more to add. Power basically is a force that causes change. As such the exchange is done in order to change;

• a change in position (of more or less power)
• a change in energy level (because  power exchange is a sexy and turns us on)
• a change in perception (as we use roles that differ from our normal situation)

This means that the above mentioned distinction can help us to shed light on why dominance in a BDSM context can be regarded from so many different angles.

When does BDSM qualify as paraphilia?

Generally speaking we can regard kink as sick when we lose control over our urges and get other people involved without their consent. So we can distinguish between healthy and unhealthy BDSM depending on the presence of mutual consent. Not consenting BDSM is dangerous and can lead to the kind of situations that are used by non-kinks to label that what we do as sick.

A free exchange does itself demand consent, but even when consent is given, this does not mean that everything that we wish to do is also healthy or normal. For this reason our community developed safe guards like, safe, sane and sound (SSS) or risk aware consensual kink (RACK).

Much of what is being done in the kinky community can be a topic of discussion when it comes to being ‘sound’ or ‘sane’. From the side of the dominant or top, this evaluation requires a profound knowledge of what is going on, what to do and what not. Beside experience, good skills and a caring attitude, also good negotiations before playing is advisable. Particularly, as the use of power and force can result in seduction, manipulation and scheming. By the management of power a dominant can be defined.

Sexual road maps

Our sexual preferences constitute to our BDSM praxis. As always, differences in sexuality - in its orientation, in its expression and in its intensity – show that sexual characteristics are rather individual and person related. We would therefore be ill-advised if we would go on regarding a particular role or sexual urge as intrinsically worse or better; even regardless from the fact that BDSM needs both roles in order to play effectively.

Our urges are fuelled by what we seek to achieve, by what we dream and phantasize about and by our own mental constitution. A mentally disordered person with paraphilia will have different views of what is desirable as a sounder couple.

But also unexperienced players may have many visions in the safe and consenting frame of their private minds, yet BDSM reality may differ profoundly. As with any activity, we need to check ourselves if we are up to it. Driving a car while having been drinking heavily is a dangerous option. So when it comes to sanity in our play, we need to be honest and attempt to objectively evaluate our current condition. Are we ready? Have we a clear idea of how we will play out the scene? Do we have enough time and proper conditions? What about our safety?

Particularly here, I see the many styles of dominance relating to being a responsible adult or not. Tops that do not distinguish between the history of O from the fifties of the last age and the sex-positive feminist views that go along with many ethical stances by BDSM practitioners, do not qualify for playing with submissives. Unfortunately many still do, using the argument that a submissive or a slave needs to obey, needs to give in and needs to show respect. Basically this is true, provided we know what we are doing, how to do it and how to enjoy what we do by having a good time.

Conclusions

Our mind is leading us; it follows the energy and our instincts. Using our mind in BDSM is just as essential as in any other part of our life. Unrealistic phantasy, not planned scenes, unchecked assumptions and delusional self-image can and will do harm to otherwise sensible BDSM play.

In a later article I will go into more detail into what kind of dominance we theoretically can distinguish. For now this should do as food for our thoughts.

As always, I wish you good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the dungeon.

Enjoy – Sir Cameron

YANK’ is part on the series on BDSM and sociology

(Definition YANK: Yet another new Kink-Community. Keywords: BDSM community, old age, gender-role, freedom, sex-positivism, postmodern feminism)

Looking for something we can rely on

There's got to be something better out there

Love and compassion, their day is coming

All else are castles built in the air

And I wonder when we are ever gonna change

Living under the fear till nothing else remains

All the children say

We don't need another hero

We don't need to know the way home

All we want is life beyond the Thunderdome

(Partial text of Beyond the Thunderdome; written by T. Britten and G. Lyle)

What was lingering …

It has been a while since my last series of posting in this Blog. The reason is, that Sir Cameron is busy with his Dominion; a virtual realm in which the participants attempt to live a rational BDSM-lifestyle. Even when few of you know about this or are interested in the Dominion of Lord Cameron, it is relevant nevertheless, then as YANK it confronts me with limits, opportunities and many things to consider. Future blog entries will focus on these dynamics and transfer them to your daily life as a kinkster.

So it is today; whether it is the Dominion, your new ‘relationship’ or your Munch-group; we are looking for something … beyond the Thunderdome.

We are the Children, they left behind

The post-apocalyptic atmosphere of the 1985 movie Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (directed by George Miller and George Ogilvie) sort of suits the struggle and battlefield we find during the coming out of the kinky community; a process that has been going on for over forty years now.

It is obvious; the steel cage known as Thunderdome would fit well into our fantasy play, also the primitive and raw way of clothing and acting in the movie reflects the emotional garbage of primal urges that we aim to live out in full splendor. Yet, so many kinksters I meet lately come, to stay in the wordings of the song, Out of the ruins (of vanilla society) Out from the wreckage (of not functioning relationships) and tensed in the awareness that they Can't make the same mistake this time.

An understandable skepticism is what I meet when introducing the Dominion of Lord Cameron; yes, there is openness, interest and curiosity, but also a kind of disbelief, resignation even. Of course, we give it all, or nothing.

While reading the reflections of two academics (Meg Barker and Rosalind Gill) on the blog Bitchy Jones's Diary, they mentioned a few things that reminded me of the reactions that we meet when speaking about our dreams and life-style as expressed in the Dominion-ethical-philosophy. It is the feeling of lost opportunities as Meg Barker mentions:

“the sadness and almost sense of betrayal that the kink community wasn't better than that when there’s so much potential for it.”

In the next few paragraphs I will grossly follow their thoughts.

Why do we expect kink communities to be better?

A genuine question I think. The answer may be that these are not old communities that carry the scent of the old age with them; they are seen as fresh and exciting so accordingly we expect better of them.

But, as Rosalind Gill states, ‘it seems that there is a lot of covert policing going on, they are steeped in ideas of what is and isn't permissible, gender roles and dress codes’.

Why is that?

During the coming out of the closet of the kinky community, several parallels are to be found with other sexual minority groups, like the bi-sexuals, queers or transgenders. The first thing they have in common is the same old enemy of a society that functions like a Thunderdome that keeps the ‘figthers for sexual liberty’ captive and that, secondly, only let the victims go at great costs: ripped off from their roots, their beliefs, their communities and often alienated from relatives and friends. For those amongst my readers who think this is an exaggeration I suggest they should go out as a cross-dresser and see the nice and tolerant reactions from the ‘enlightened’ people in the streets.

Barker mentions rightly, that – like LGBTQ groups – kink liberation is “formulated on critique of heteronormativity and vanilla sexual practices, so we expect better of them.” The question is – again- why? Why should a movement that is driven by a counter-reaction, a protest, provide a better base for success?

A possible answer would of course be that by taking the critique on former views into account we might come up with a better functioning alternative. When studying the scientific developments - as they slowly deal with the functioning reality of kinky communities - there are indicators that we indeed have established an alternative sexuality and proper ways of expressing it. Encouraging is also the research of Richters in Australia that shows that engagement in BDSM was not significantly related to any sexual difficulties and concluded that BDSM is simply a sexual interest and for most is not a pathological symptom of past abuse or problems with “vanilla” sex. (Richters, et al., 2008)

Something we of course knew all along. And that may also be the core of our ‘problems’; the covert policing, the ideas of what is and isn't permissible with regard to gender roles and dress codes. The resistance culture eventually turned inwards and the orthodox were not orthodox enough (we must all be Mad Max) and the reformers are too feminist, too intellectual, too less old school.

But there is something to say to that; when I see how the ‘fifthy shade tourism’ is affecting my local kinky community, it is easy to see that what once were the ‘hero’s’ in respect to kink, now are regarded as ‘weird’.

As a group we no longer are first generation kinks, I am not, only few in my Dominion are. Yet, we are still struggling against the same biases of Thunderdome and increasingly more inside our ‘own’ BDSM community. Inequality between tops and bottoms is carried beyond the play rooms, as if 24/7 is the only sensible alternative. But even there, equality, love, respect and care between the partners are a mere necessity; it would not function any other way.

So in a sense, indeed the relationship issues are key in how we live together: the issues of respecting gender, sexual orientation and chosen form of relationship, may be more critical as the power exchange based dominance and submission themes.

As I cannot speak on behalf of the entire BDSM community and only for my own Dominion rulings, I will nevertheless advocate a few things that I regard as an assignment of the BDSM scene as a whole:

1. We definitely need more research on and acceptance of queer, transgender and polyamory BDSM participants.
2. Accordingly we require a change of mind with regard to the question what rules kink; sexual pleasure based on gender dynamics or dominance/submission based on power exchange.
3. We definitely need more real representation of female desire when it comes to sexualizing men and not the behavior that ‘sells’ because it mirrors the male and phallus focused sexual desire.
4. Reflecting on how the meta-narratives of public opinion makers and social institutions still limit our freedom to define our own actions and appearance.

Yes, I know that most of you readers think this sucks big time; and in a way it does, because for Sir Cameron it means more time writing and less time for playing his lovely bottoms. Yet, the alternative is that BDSM is domesticated by the post-modern discourse of the filthy-shades tourist generation: the discussions of multiculturalism and x-th-wave feminism are relevant for our future and therefore we must either engage or loose our freedom of self-expression.

Perhaps the sadness that BDSM has not delivered to many of us what we hoped to gain from it, is caused by the loss of dreams and ideals. This Blog, the Dominion, the ever changing and evolving stream of BDSM activities are perhaps not advocating dreams, but rather work. If we want something, we should go for it, or mourn like the left behind generation.

So, what do we do with our lives

We leave only a mark

Will our story shine like a light

Or end in the dark

Give it all or nothing

Enjoy – Sir Cameron

Literature & Links

- Barker, Meg and Gill, Rosalind (2012). Sexual subjectification and Bitchy Jones’s Diary. Psychology and Sexuality, 3(1) pp. 26–40 (Meg Barker is a psychology lecturer at the Open University and a practising therapist. Rosalind Gill is Professor of Social and Cultural Analysis at King's College London and author.)

- Richters, J., de            Visser, R.O., Rissel, C.E., Grulich, A.E. & Smith, A.M.A. (2008). Demographic and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, “sadomasochism” or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. Journal of Sexual Medicine, Vol 5(7), Jul 2008, 1660-1668.

- Movie: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mad_Max_Beyond_Thunderdome

- Song: http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/WE-DON'T-NEED-ANOTHER-HERO-THUNDERDOME-lyrics-Tina-Turner/B639405FE74C5DF248256918002E909F