tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44172993594705930652024-02-21T02:07:40.136+01:00The Clothed Lietheclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-65572267251304953732023-11-03T10:33:00.000+01:002023-11-03T10:33:12.962+01:00‘‘No means yes, and yes means anal’’<p class="MsoNormal">Noticed the quote marks?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Upon reading this quotation, I probably, like you -after
all, we are sane player here, right?- did feel triggered, both as a top and as
a feminist. To my amazement, this quotation did not derive from 'erotic
fantasy' or 'dom-wish' literature, not even from porn, but seems to be how a
popular Yale fraternity chant goes - at least, according to scientific sex
research. (*)</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">True, the study is a decade old, but is there so much reason
to expect, that the non-consensual and penetration privileged attitude has
changed that much? To me, the idea of meeting, or -sigh- hooking up sluts
(polyamory emphasis intended), that keep saying ‘‘no’’ but mean I have to
‘‘keep trying’’ maybe is great fuel for my novels and stories - after all they
are kinky and all characters have given consent- but how is it in reality?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Patriarchy, and believe it or not, this is still alive on
Fetlife ... well, patriarchy had the effect of confirming men in their
masculinity, by programming society to enable privilege for the privileged few,
justified or not, toxic or not. The privilege of being a man, did lead to the
fact that even today men typically feel more comfortable than women in
expressing their sexual preferences and pressuring reluctant partners to have
sex. Nothing against seductive brats, of course.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In the Dominion of Lord Cameron (DLC) I have introduced the
custom that a not outspoken "no", does not mean "yes" and
that without an affirmative and consenting "yes" nothing goes. Better
safe than sorry. However, play and reality are not the same. The horny and
willing sub in the bedroom, may not be so forthcoming when she returns from her
work, or simply is feeling tired, even when it is your evening out. In general
women can be very outspoken in certain areas. Yet, when it comes to consent,
they cannot be outspoken enough, and the same goes for men, of course.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In my experience, women with feminist viewpoints often feel
more comfortable in rejecting unwanted male sexual advances - like dick-pics or
privilege assumed male-dom behaviour without being in a relationship with that
male person (or pig). It is not only any women's good right to object, decline
or say 'no', but they may also be doing real doms a service, then an outspoken
"yes" is a commitment to the mutually desire results. And an
outspoken "no" is a free lesson to overeager persons, who seem to
think, that good dominants and tops are the best in coercion, force and pushing
- which they of course are not, rather the opposite.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Women’s likelihood of engaging in anal sex might depend upon
their perceptions of power-exchange, control, entitlement to pleasure and their
self-perception. This can surely also mean: "bend over, boyfriend!"</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So, as kinksters, it is sometimes hard for us to deal with
"sexual coercion" fantasy, and with the idea of someone taking charge
of another person's sexual needs and desires. Yet, fantasy and ideas are in our
mind. The manifestation of our 'mental-cinema' is possible, but only in a safe
context, where trust, friendship, consent and respect thrive. The rest remains
fantasy -and yes, I am a devout rape-play denialist, as it is a
self-referentially inconsistent concept.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In any case, dealing with internalized submissive notions,
like urges to ‘sexual compliance" or concealing your own sexual desires
and instead prioritizing your top's needs, is tough, but can also be sexy and
rewarding. Many tops simply make use of it. Not because they are all bad, or
toxic, but also because they love submissives and find them a sexual turn-on.
Therefor, communication is the key; communication and respect by always asking
you for your consent.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If a top does not show respect, does not distinguish between
fantasy and reality, and does not regularly check up on your feeling, your
experience, your needs; such a top is less perfect as in their own -biased-
perception. Communicating "no" may not feel cool, and labelling male
tops with 'fragility" of "toxic" can be trendy, but women are
good in communicating. Trust your gut feelings.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We live in a time that floods us with porn and sexual
coercion. This leaves us kinksters with contradictory messages about how to
feel sexually liberated. For me, as a sadist and daddy-dom, frequent anal sex
is linked to my perception of dominance and power. As I am intelligent, I also
understand that this is related to my fantasy, my views, my socio-cultural
background, my education and definitely my personal unconsciousness, and
honesty be said, this contains contents that a feminist would phrase as: "paternalistic
sexism that keeps male power intact."</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is a difference though, between patriarchy as a
preferred social model and kink, then sane BDSM related dominance is not about
suppressing women of submissive men in general, but only in the confined
context of a safe consensual play-scene. With a consenting partner, that is not
just an anonymous asshole you fuck, but a person, with value and worthiness, a
partner in crime to whom you relate to. And after 'destroying' that ass, a
loving dominant does not think; 'good, where is the next whore?', but rather
'wow, that was amazing', I am a lucky bastard to find such a 'gem' and be happy
- or have a fantasy.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">A fantasy? You mean like, next weekend, that 'nun' coming
over to your candle-light dungeon, to confess her sins, admit her battle with
masturbation and unchaste longings? And then, will you be merciful, forgiving
and kind, or punish that hole that leaves her virginity in tact?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Well think about that!</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">SC</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">* See: Jozkowski, K. N., & Peterson, Z. D. (2013). College
students and sexual consent: Unique insights. Journal of Sex Research, 50,
517–523. </p>theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-2492317827458260792020-08-04T14:28:00.000+02:002020-08-04T14:28:15.083+02:00Is the Dominion of Lord Cameron (DLC) a sect?<h3 style="text-align: left;"><font size="5">Dominion court rules and centralized power</font></h3><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The dominion is sometimes seen as a sect, a cult-like
organisation or even a harem, but Lord Cameron does not share this view. The
mere fact, that we, as a community of DLC members, have our rules, is nothing
special, after all, even social conventions like being polite or respect other
people’s property can be seen as ‘rules’ even when they are not always written
down in legislation or warranted by universal human rights. Thus, the fact,
that dominion rules constitute -or underlie and ground- the Dominion space,
both in virtual as in physical instances, is nothing that would make the
Dominion of Lord Cameron get near a sect.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p>Yet, one might object, there exists a principle of absolute
rule, or at least a tendency to it. Which is of course true, after all, the
Lord of the Dominion of Lord Cameron, is Lord Cameron. Nevertheless, also this
centralization of power -in ruling, in court legislation, in control and in
governing- is nothing that would make the DLC a sect, as centralized forms of
authority are quite common. Centralized institutions that yield tremendous
power over people are at the heart of our culture and its organisation, and
none would call a government of a democracy, a monarch or a dictator a sect
because of the centralization of power.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p>But then, others might rebuke, that there are rituals, and
rules, initiations, titles, a court and training for members, all combined with
spirituality and ethical fucking, could render the Dominion a sect. Again,
these particularities of the DLC can be seen with some religious or otherwise
social groups, like clubs, orders or private educational institutes; the fact
that we share certain aspects of sects, does not render us a sect.</p>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">So, what is a sect?</h3><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For the purpose of this post, it will suffice to see a sect
rendered about a particular person or teaching. The former may be rather a cult,
where one person or a class of persons are revered, but Lord Cameron neither
requires worship -even when slaves are allowed to do so- or stands, as a
person, in the middle of the contents of the teachings.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This later, could possibly contain a dogmatic component, but
as the core teachings of the DLC are sex-positive feminism, ethical
non-monogamy and sex-magickal rituals derived from mysticism and neo-paganism,
such teachings can neither be labels dogmatic, nor are they regarded as an
absolute truth. On the contrary, the whole educational part of the DLC court is
directed at finding explanations and guidelines for how the dominion members
can best live out their kink.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">So seen, the DLC is not dogmatic, but experiential. And it
is not a sect, but rather a synodal council, in the sense of a σύνοδος
(sunodos), which is derived from an σύν (sun) = together and ὁδός (hodos) = the
way, or path. DLC is a play group with ethics, written guidelines and several
mechanisms to find the best way together, as a group of players, couples,
mates, friends and lovers.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Just because we regard the DLC as a safe space playground to
experiment with our bodies, urges, perversions, sexuality and do this in a
safe, sane and sound way through rituals, education, workshops and multi-player
roleplay according to script, does not make us a sect; it makes us a playgroup
or a pack.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">It sets us apart, and that is intended. It gives us a
framework, and that is required. It gives us a community, and that is nice. All
of this enables us to enfold, love and enjoy in a way that runs and plays
according to our wishes.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And, last but not least, the mere fact, that the dominion,
in principle is open for other dominions, harems, lordships, 24/7 pairs and
playgroups -provided during play, their standards comply with our DLC court
rules- does already show, that we are not a closed, secretive and exclusive
sect at all, but simply wanted to do at tad differently as mainstream
sex-dominated kink. And this is not only our good right, but also a smart
praxis, as it helps us to reflect in such ways, that relational drama can be minimized,
friendships maintained, and personal growth endorsed.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<h3 style="text-align: left;">DLC and the foundations of the realms of fiction and praxis</h3><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In addition, it should be understood, that the DLC as
documented in fiction about Sir Cameron and other tops are first and before all
prose which plays in a virtual realm that does not have to, nor always does
reflect empirical reality. As such, to derive Dominion praxis from text that is
intended as literature, is not an idea Lord Cameron does endorse.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p>T</o:p>he literature about Sir Cameron et.all., are stories and
should be treated as fantasy; it is intended to create emotions in the readers,
and to communicate and explore concepts in order to enjoy it as sexually tinted
amusement, but the literal should not be taken too literal. The world of
thinking acts that expand and thrive in our minds, is quite another realm as
that of down to earth kinky praxis of real persons playing responsibly and
consensual with other real persons.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">First in play-space, we enter into our roles and by
voluntary exchange of power. It is there, that we limit our world to a special
space, with tops and bottoms, it’s own framework of acts and actions and where
we reduce and objectify the playpartner(s) according to our will.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When we are done playing, we find ourselves touched, changed
and moved. Out of respect, care, fondness, love and friendship, we wish to
return to come back in normal space where we are equals again, even when we
sometimes struggle to see things as they are. Which is normal, as we do play
kinky scenes in order to display such parts of our identity with glee. Waking
up from a dream -or a nasty, but very orgasmic ‘nightmare’- is thus often
connected with a notion of ‘game over’ loss. Yet, we know the pathways to bliss
and we can anytime opt to play the game again. Provides we have the currency,
the goods and the guts to radically go beyond frontiers and explore our hearts
and that of our fellow travelers.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">That’s all folks, play safe and enjoy<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><i>Sir Cameron, supreme Lord of the Domion (DLC)</i></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><font color="#999999">Those open to learn more, can contact Sir Cameron in a
personal message.</font></p>theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-38972469371512003942019-12-02T15:55:00.000+01:002019-12-02T15:55:09.684+01:00Paramourality and KarmaYet again, a new phrase, this time made from two concepts that I regularly have to deal with; viz. paramours and morality. As poly you regularly are contacted by those, who are looking for a new lover, that is ethical and sane, experienced and hot, and who knows what 'discretion' does mean.<br />
<br />
Well ... do I know that? I think I do, as the polyamory community has another ethical concept which is called metamour. This is the (consenting) partner of your lover. For me, discretion means, that I take care that my lover is not having a illicit amorous adventure, but instead loves, fucks and enjoys me for her own happiness without cheating.<br /><br />
Discretion furthermore is the act of respecting your partner's other partners, who are capable to share their lovers with you and show compersion - the antonym of jealousy: the joy produced by knowing of something, unrelated to oneself, that brings a loved one joy. As you share your ethical lover with your metamours, so do they with you, making them kind of cool - at least in my eyes.<br />
<br />
For a long time, I have struggled with declining monthly dates because a paramour wants to have sex, but on the premise of cheating. Fuck, do I want to have them ... most of the times. So, why being so stubborn? After all, you are not the one cheating on their partner(s), as they are not your partners, but theirs. And normally you won't get bad karma by serving a paramour with hot sex or steamy kink.<br />
<br />
But they do - or at least most of the time imho. Being involved in the bad karma of others is sometimes unavoidable, as someone needs to do the job. Yet, knowing that you fuck a cheater is not feeling sexy to me. I think, cheaters are not sexy, as they lie and show actual disrespect for their partners, by bypassing them as friends, lovers and intimates.<br />
<br />
It is not the act of sex or kink that is the problem, but the mindset of the one desiring to be a paramour. I cannot avoid to wonder on what other topics the cheater might be lying about ... STD comes to mind. On the other hand, one cannot be insensitive to the fact that many people who seek a discrete relationship to cherish their love and desires, are genuine seekers, unfulfilled or unhappy in their current partnership.<br />
<br />
One thing should be clear; everyone is entitled to happiness, good sex and genuine love. Just as we are all entitled to be respected, cared for and valued. Being aware of your metamour just does all that, as you to a certain extend find yourself in the shoes of the metamour; you love that cute partner that you share intimacy with, you respect each other for not letting cheating slip into something as beautiful as love and above all, you feel accepted and respected yourself.<br />
<br />
And - for me - this brings us to a crucial notion; viz. that of being regarded as an equal lover, with good intentions of love, care and respect to all partners, children and other metamours involved. I simply do not want to be the facilitator of illigit opportunities. As all of us, I also am responsible for my own happiness and sexual satisfaction and I simply do not want to be involved in cheating, stealing time, devotion and energy and taking from a relationship what is not being offered freely with consent.<br />
<br />
The wonderful Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy already wrote about the ethical lover - I want to be an ethical lover and I think for me, other ethical lovers are a good match and unethical lovers, cheaters and illicit paramours are not. Perhaps the arguments are not justifying my choices, but they are mine to make. So here I am ...<br /><br />Sir Camerontheclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-51485476620404713492019-01-03T16:30:00.001+01:002019-01-03T16:38:04.804+01:00The Princess-slut @ the Dominion<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>A part of the Dominion is the House of Cameron.
At the House are only such devotees, that mentally can - and factually have – submitted
to Lord Cameron and accepted and embraced His Mastery over them (yes, I know, a
very wanton position). Those who are not
accepted in the House belong to the Court of the Dominion. In the House of Cameron,
we find the so-called “Chiral girls”. This is not a Kajira ‘slave’ girl, a ‘harem’
member or an unpaid ‘whore’, but some of these elements can, but must not be,
included. In the views of Lord Cameron, the Chiral girls are pure magic and
real gems …</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Perhaps the well-known phrase a Princess by Day
and a Slut by Night can help us to shed some light on the matter.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
Contrast between Princesses and sluts</h3>
<h1>
<o:p></o:p></h1>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you have never
puzzled about the contrast that is apparently seen between the (highborn)
Princess and the (low and ordinary) slut, maybe it is time to have a closer
look at this. This contrast is very similar to those that we do find between
Master and slave, Top and bottom and all other forms where (total) power-exchange
takes place in a sound and consenting way. In fact, not so much perversion,
pain or dirty sex is typical for BDSM, but rather the play setting with roles
that include and enable power-exchange dynamics.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The careful reader
will notice, that we just did write ‘dynamics’. We added that phrase to
indicate that even with a balance of power between ‘equal’ partners, there will
always arise differences that are related to our personality, gender- and
sexual identity and social roles. In this case, the reason for adding ‘dynamics’,
is that even in an equilibrium, first power did flow freely and volatilely and
eventually got balanced. Equality for the law - and a play contract is a legal
concept - is an assumed equality (<i>de jure</i>).
To keep BDSM balanced and fair, activity most likely is necessary in order to
have a <i>de facto</i> equality, with balance
and mutual acceptance and recognition. And like in most other kind of social
contracts - irrespective if this is based on love, romance, tradition or kink -
this equality as a legal right, remains a <i>de
jure</i> condition and requires commitment, work and cooperation in order to
get it – <i>de facto</i> - realized in true-life
and between partners.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
Does the Princess denote for primordial
innocence?</h3>
<h1>
<o:p></o:p></h1>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, let us return to
the contrast we noticed between the role of Princess and the role of slut. What
would be the core properties of both roles? Things that are often mentioned are
money, appearance and status; the Princess has it all: beauty, properties and
wealth (and Knights on a White Horse). The slut is situated on the other side
of the social ladder; used, abused, indecent, uncivil, dirty and poor. But there
is more: the slut is also seen as morally inferior, because she trades sex and
her body for other goods and services; like money, attention, love, orgasms,
prestige or other forms of compensation that would one way or another do
justice to her (or his) role as a slut.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When you ask teenagers,
if they would rather be a Princess or a slut, very likely none of them would
opt to be a slut, except some Lolita’s perhaps. And that brings us to the
interesting fact, that so many kinksters on Fetlife and other platforms, love
to play with the Princess/slut dynamics, but in reality, hardly anyone would
openly identify with being a slut.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the Dominion, it is
Lord Cameron’s view, that in fact, being a Princess is much harder as being a
slut. And the reason is that we – out of mere social solidarity - identify with
being a victim. Inequality brings with it, that there are Masters and slaves
and this is not a very popular social condition in today’s world, where we
romantically cling to a golden age and the herewith connected belief that there
was some kind of fall from primordial innocence. Further, it is seen, that this
fall and inequality is a genuine problem and that this inequality – that denotes
for inferiority, discrimination and weakness - should be removed, so all can
again find the Holy Grail and be nourished and whole.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
What does feminism have to add?</h3>
<h1>
<o:p></o:p></h1>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Consequently, regarding
inequality, we find in D/s and other kinky relationships where (total) power
exchange plays a role, this fight between the comfort of being a poor victim,
and the disapproval of dominance, as this leads to the idea that not all
animals are equal … Nevertheless, imagining eliminating ‘inequality’ is hard.
At least, it is not obvious what this should mean, as people are not all the
same and most value their own distinct individuality.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a handy solution,
feminist theory provides us with the distinction between power-over and power-with.
Power over is that centralized control that we all fear to eat up our freedom
and take away the cherries on the cake (or our sex-tools OMG!). Power-with is
the free sharing and exchange of the power that we have, and let others take control
in the belief, that the goods (body, soul and mind) entrusted to those on top,
will be handled with care, dignity and respect to the one sharing their power
with the top in the first place. Here we see, that not much time is wasted on
what essentially would denote for equality or legitimation for power shifts,
but rather we slip into the role play, because we know it is not real (but
play), even when it is real (the pain, submission, the sex). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, what does this mean
for the so-called Princess/slut mechanics? A Princess is basically rather dull
(to the sadist eye), as she must be friendly, benevolent and responsible all
the time. Hardly any time for fun, but a whole agenda with appointments,
parties and events to attend, to speak, dance of give presence, but she can
never let the beast out, let her self-control slip or simply be a slut (which
obviously is why she needs the Master’s guidance). Yet, that is in real life
context; in the kinky world, the Princess stands a bit for a spoiled Lady too;
that gets what she wants and is treated like someone very special and
important. Maybe even cold and arrogantly distanced, depending on whether the
Princess is having a submissive, switching or dominant nature.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
This one is on the House …</h3>
<h1>
<o:p></o:p></h1>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the House of Cameron,
the Chiral girl is a Princess-slut by nature. She loves to be taken, she loves
to crave for cock(s), to feast on sexual energy and she dares to go all in and
let herself fall as deep as she can fall, when orgasming into oblivion. The
Lord, her Lord, is an awesome Master; he reigns her from above, bestows on her the
heavenly goods and when he comes over her, she takes and relishes in his
passion, his power, his love and his surrender to her own most delicious core
and essence, knowing that the slut makes the Master in many ways by enabling him
to take and enjoy what she has offered him. But we do not see the Princess in
the slut in this way. If this was all, it would just be the Master turning the
Princess in to the slut and be done after unloading his sticky proteins. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What, in essence, is
going on in the kinky role play of the Princess/slut dynamics, is that in the
context of consensual BDSM there are mostly winners. The top wins because they
love topping, the bottom wins, because they love bottoming. As such, BDSM power
exchange forms a nice form of structural inequality, that is not important, as
it is by the very condition of inequality, that both top and bottom find their
thing. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br /></div>
<h3>
<o:p> </o:p>Is there more to a Princess?</h3>
<h1>
<o:p></o:p></h1>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But again, we do not
see the Princess in the slut this way, so how do we define the Princess - that
beautiful benevolent and classy person? Well, the answer is a tad complicated,
but it will show us much about what is going on in the real world. Particularly
what is going wrong in the real world and what is being done well in the
Dominion of Lord Cameron. This has to do with the idea, that any sane kinky
Dominion, House, Pack or Group will have to embrace the properly basic human
rights of all their members. This is the base of the equality that we seek for.
And this has also been the base for consensual power exchange prior to play
praxis, then after all, when we have no power to share, we cannot give it away
or over into the hands of those we entrust with our power.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the position or
role of Princess is already part of the play context, in the Dominion of Lord
Cameron this means that Princess is not merely what is stripped of, so the slut
remains, but Princess is what will be added to the slut – who is already lovely
to the heart of the top as such – so the Princess is not becoming the slut, but
the slut is lifted up to become the Princess. Of course, the slut, in many ways
was a Princess already, but it is the Master adding royalty to the slut, and
not because she pays for that, or otherwise could demand this, but it is a voluntary
gift of Grace.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
Conclusions</h3>
<h1>
<o:p></o:p></h1>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Princess/slut is
the loved and valued person, that can trust to the entrusted and be rewarded
first with meeting her slutty, filthy, nasty, wanton and horny desires, but
also with being appreciated, loved and valued for being able to give and bottom
in such a glorious way. On top of that, like any Princess, she will be held in
high esteem, particularly outside the play context. Then as a Princess, she
will not be the Master’s trophy, possession or trash whore, but an equal, and a
person who is a able to perform bottoming in a masterful way. A skilled bottom
is valuable, because of her capabilities to delight their tops; because of her
knowledge, experience and wisdom that comes with walking the path, that is a
mystery to tops and that they can only walk and get acquainted with by walking
that path with a (noble) Princess/slut (whore).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Giving back the power,
with interest payment, is also part of the power-exchange. Once we have played
our games, we return to normality and we see the Princess that became the slut,
transform again in the Princess that has been enriched, improved and beloved,
by her Grace to let herself be a slut, in a suited, safe and worthy context. And
such a virtual place, the Dominion of Lord Cameron desires to be and a magical
place, where common sluts can be transformed to beautiful Princesses.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Play safe and have fun
– Sir Cameron<o:p></o:p></div>
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
<br />
<i>As always, this is not absolute or ultimate
truth, but an attempt to reflect and contemplate on things, mechanisms and praxis
that is near to us and dear to us. For the form, we have used certain genders
and pronouns for top and bottom, but this can, may and will vary. Most of the above
remains equally valid, when we exchange her for him, Mistress for Master or hir
for they.</i></span>theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-24133994030086963182018-09-25T18:40:00.001+02:002018-09-25T19:03:18.036+02:00Mansplaining<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Mansplaining was Christianised
by the New York Times as the buzz-word of 2010. I had never heard about it, but
today I encountered the word twice. For me that functioned as a clear sign that
I had to put it on my agenda. As my views might interest others, I opted to
post it in my blog/writings. It is addressed to a fictive and fellow feminist
kinkster, so please keep that in mind while reading.<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear sister,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a kinky feminist, you will agree, that
"mansplaining" as such is annoying in the sense that it forms an
expression of the alleged paternal supremacy. And it is the sad truth, that our
society - for the most of it – remains full of examples where men try to explain
something to a woman in a condescending way, starting from an attitude of overconfidence
and not taking that woman’s own base of knowledge, expertise and intelligence
into account in a proper and adequate way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet, as a word that uses a specific gender – in this case
male - mansplaining runs the risk of being a double-sided sword, then:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<ul>
<li>first, it might be regarded as sexist towards men in
general - and thus be <u>misandrous</u> - and;</li>
<li>second, it might be regarded as <u>essentialist</u> in the
sense that men should possess - or lack - the attribute of occasional mansplaining
in order to be perceived as a man, and;</li>
<li>third, it may be, that men - as a victim of their own
paternalist upbringing, culture or religious stance - behave in a mansplaining
way, because they mistake that for actually proper behaviour in a genuine attempt
to communicate something valuable out of good intention.</li>
</ul>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This latter use of mansplaining is, of course, still undesirable,
but it should be regarded as a cultural default in some cases. And mansplaining
as being a genuine expression of paternalistic cultural bias does not require radical
scorn in such cases, but rather education and the careful raising of awareness
for women rights. Especially in kinky environments, traditional roles are used
instantly, instead of realizing, that we need to start as equals and
intrinsically remain equals, even when in play, inequality may be intended.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On top of that – and a bit leaning on the above mentioned point
three - as a feminist sadist and daddy-dom, I have to add, that mansplaining
can be a constructive and enticing part of the role-play that I - together with
my bottoms - wish to employ in, not dissimilar to using dirty talk, humiliation
or force in an – of course – full consensual play setting. Let’s call this
consensual mansplaining.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In this way, mansplaining can be taken for a form of deviant
behaviour that functions in a specific context that draws its energy flow from
the power-exchange that comes with given roles. Similar to the use of 'slut'
'anal-whore' or 'princess' are words that should not be carried outside the
safe play environment, also the praxis of consensual mansplaining can be
regarded as inherent to certain kinky roles and play-forms.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h3>
Proposals</h3>
<h2>
<o:p></o:p></h2>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As much as I oppose the general oppression of minorities, I
have severe hesitations to apply feminist discourse to kinky settings. Shadow
play, the left-hand-path, TPE; these are not the expressions where politically
correct mental statements do apply to, but rather these are the free and
unfiltered urges that sprout from our unreflected (animal) past or intentionally
activated desires centred around primal sexual power-play.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For that reason, I plea, that: (A) philosophical,
anthropological, psychological, religious and feminist reflection towards kink,
is something we should endorse and promote in kink theory or reflection on
kink, but like with any other world-view or scientific framework we ought to realize
that such starting points often lack compelling warrant when we wish to use them
for primarily non-logical praxis, like kinky sex or play.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Consequently, the human character of safe, sane, sound and
consensual kink may likely not be fully grasped by mere rational reflection
alone. And this, for the whole reason that our sexuality as such, is human behaviour
that mirrors our pre-rational evolutionary past, our unconscious dispositions
and our rational tendencies alike. Sexual behaviour is therefore not depleted
from rationality, but it also contains and instrumentalizes the human
dimensions of non-rational instincts and emotions.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Forcing any non-kink discourse over actual BDSM-play
activity as such, runs the risk of being reductive in nature, because it could easily
form an instance where rational arguments are valued above non-rational needs,
like the need for humiliation, pain or pervert sex. Luckily, consensual kink is
not a value-free space, as already the notion of explicit consent presupposes a
rational and committed pre-play negotiating between adult equals. Yet, applying
any kind of normativity to kink, should nevertheless be practiced with care and
consideration, as logical argumentations are by no means the sole driving force
of human behaviour - and particularly not when it is about kink or sex.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Therefore, I further plea that; (B) we specifically place
experiential kinky play in a laboratory-like context; the kinky professor fucks
around a little, and in doing so, finds liberty and discoveries that cannot be
found outside this safe play-space. As such mansplaining a bunch of silly sissy
girls in a play context, is both liberating and fun and in this context,
mansplaining has nothing to do with reduction of women or exaltation of male
faculties – per se -, but is simply playing with limits, roles and social
conventions within the boundaries of the agreement between players. <br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<h3>
<span class="Heading2Char"><span style="font-size: 13.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Conclusion</span></span></h3>
One can object to this praxis or not, but the freedom of sexual expression
of two consenting adults must have priority over patronizing (pun intended)
feminist discourse that transfers rational arguments to explicitly not logically
meant deviant activity between sane players.<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This said, I again agree, that sexist male pricks that uninvited
send lectures, dick-picks and other display of their allegedly dominant self-image
to kinky women, displays very unwelcome behaviour and makes our communities
less safe. At the same time, extreme femdom and feminist influence, or even alleged
female supremacy, should be weighed on the same balance, as any form of gender
related dominance and submission. As kink is not served by switching from
paternalism to maternalism, we should instead creatively use and employ both of
these cultural impulses in safe play and keep it there, for as far as we as
imperfect humans can manage to do so.<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-45238544628292676352016-01-13T12:03:00.001+01:002018-10-23T13:33:51.723+02:00Group rape, ‘taharrush gamea’, BDSM and sanity … after Cologne<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">This blog entry is part of the series on BDSM and society</span></i><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK20"></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 18.0pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span lang="EN-GB">-<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><u><span lang="EN-GB">We mourn with all victims of sexual abuse</span></u><span lang="EN-GB">
- <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK12"></a><i><span lang="EN-GB">During the 2016 New Year celebrations hundreds of woman in Cologne and
other cities in Germany, got introduced to a new form of public humiliation and
sexual harassment of women: ‘taharrush gamea’ and it is a form of sexual
amusement for men. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">‘Taharrush gamea’ forms a big problem in several Middle Eastern societies,
like Egypt. Similar to other forms of group rape in societies where a culture
of rape, patriarchal structures, anti-feminist thought and sexist males leads
to customs that do not respect the equality of females, their rights to sexual self-expression
and bodily integrity.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Besides that ‘taharrush gamea’ is problematic, because it thrives on sexual
and criminal acts that are non-consensual, it is also an expression of the
above mentioned underlying thinking patterns that can be seen as patriarchal,
macho and possessive. But as some of those patterns also form the spice in
consensual BDSM, so do we have reason to be worried?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">We shall see what the problems are: with ‘taharrush gamea’ and for BDSM
and why we have to commit to both sanity as too clear communication of consent
and our right of sexual expression of kink.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">(As always: This blog is about exploration, not doctrine …)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">What is our problem?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK14"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK13">phenomenon of
‘taharrush gamea’ </a>is in my opinion a form of group rape where women -
against their will – are intimidated, touched in intimate places and often sexually
abused, all in the public space. The abusers are usually a group of Islamic men
that find pleasure in degrading women by abusing and harassing their victims,
while such men at the same time admire their bodies and sexually desire them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For those of us that perform BDSM as
consensual activity, the phenomenon of ‘taharrush gamea’ is clearly something that
is a false expression of power exchange, resulting in non-consensual sex,
violence, degradation and abuse; it is the kind of action that we – and other
sane persons – would call sick. Just as all kind of rape - whether this happens
in the back of a bus in India, in African suburbs, or by soldiers in one of the
many wars all over the world - is sick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The basic idea behind sexual
violence against woman is that males are superior to females, or they feel
inferior to them, so they must prove their superiority by degrading and
objectifying the female body and soul to an object of use. With ‘taharrush gamea’
we can add the idea that female sexuality belongs to males and by taking the ‘property’
of other men, the superiority of the aggressor is displayed over the victims
and their families. Feminism, universal women rights and respect for the female
sexuality are the proper answers, and - I suppose - we should add consent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Now, as I see it, this new
phenomenon of taharrush gamea confronts us as society with serious tensions.
But also regarding BDSM I see two major problems when the wrong kind of sexual
submission of women now gets into the focus of mainstream media, then will now not
chosen submission be questioned too? So, a) how sane are we kinksters to get
our kick on actions that so closely relate to abuse? And, b) how will we be
able to defend our thing, in a world that gets an increased sensibility for the
connection between submission, human rights and female sexuality?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Causes and stances <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It is obvious that in a humane
society all forms of abuse must be tackled, the thing I fear, however, is that the
reaction on female unfriendly mechanisms, like patriarchy, sexism and
discrimination, can also turn against role play that involve inspiration from such
and similar mechanism. The reason is that with ‘taharrush gamea’ as an
expression of cultural failure, similar expressions – like gangbang parties in
a BDSM club - may not sufficiently be distinguished, particularly not in a
society that re-evaluates its own moral identity and is still largely focused
on heteronormativity and monogamy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Again, it will be a discourse
regarding values. Previously I wrote: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">“When it concerns BDSM, is will be
clear that the ‘good old’ family values will be challenged at the least.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As family values, we identified: monogamy,
fidelity, chastety and morality. Regarding those “good” old values, we can say
that underlying assumptions like male supremacy and female submissiveness were
and are sort of an understatement in earlier times. As with any idea where
status difference is presupposed, it will come as no surprise that when sexism,
macho culture and patriarchal structures have a dominant stance on culture and
society, the family values were not equally valid for all sexes; particularly
in cultures where the phenomenon of ‘taharrush gamea’ thrive, we see that the
ideas of male superiority and sexual dominance go hand in hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Potency is an expression of power
and thus overpowering women, is stealing power from these women and their
families and sexually exciting on top of that. By lowering women, by shaming
them and their families, by displaying their vulnerability and intimate body
parts, those who gain power from that are – seen from a feminist point of view –
powerless, as it is not given to them as persons who seems worthy of receiving power,
but stolen by abuse and fuelled by self-delusive views on superiority.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yet, also in Western culture we see
gross injustice and sexism; a cheating man is a lady-killer, where as an
unfaithful woman is a slut. As a sexual sadist, I love sluts and I am also acquainted
with rape-fantasy and know its formidable sexual stimulation, as well as its narcissism.
To submit another person, to shame them, to use them for my own pleasure and to
toy with their pain, vulnerability and sexual energy is something I get my kick
from. The big difference is however, that sensible sadist do care about their bottoms,
lovers and play partners and that their satisfaction is part of their motivation.
Ultimately, we all want to do the kinky stuff we are engaging in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">From this it is easy to understand,
that those who engage in sexual harassment of women in a public space are
driven by different and quite contradictory ideas, which are built on the premises
of false superiority and misunderstanding of the way on how societies that
endorse human rights actually work. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Abuse of weaker persons is not a sign
of strength or an honourable thing. Abuse of women who belong to other families
or lovers or husbands, is not making you a true master, but show that you
regard women, their bodies and their sexuality as commodities that you can own.
Mastery on the other hand is when others line up in the desire to serve you,
voluntarily and without force, aggression or pressure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Those whose view on humanity actually
belongs to times long past are in need of an enlightenment similar to what we
have seen in the Western post-Christian world, which step by step has led to
improvements in female rights and as a consequence led to improvements, like
the right to vote, to divorce, to use contraception, to have an abortion, to
have equal working rights and payments, to receive social benefits and child
support and so on. At the same time, also the position of other weak groups in
society, like children and fugitives, has improved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">With regard to ‘taharrush gamea’, a
particularly sad thing - on top of the pain of the victims and their families
and friends - is that the perpetrators violate the sacredness of sexual intimacy
between human beings. Their selfish, narcissistic and delusive sexual
excitement actually only shows inferiority and also gross disrespect for
healthy male sexuality and deprives the culprits from genuine pleasure in a
sound loving and caring environment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Threads and chances<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">If we as kinky persons play
according to safe, sane and consensual rules and clearly communicate that we
love our play partners, and not want to harm them, we will stay on the right
track, even when we still have to be careful to play as safe as we can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The danger is that conservative
powers and overly zealous feminist views get back or get even more influence on
law making, media and education to promote their view on sexuality and by
returning to a more narrow view on sexual diversity, prevent alternative
genders and sexuality to enfold further and instead make them flee back in the
closet again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I personally experienced that it is
okay when one of my female friends has her boyfriend kneel for her, as that is
seen as liberating to her female sexuality, but when I have my submissives
serve me and I treat them like the sluts they desire to be, I get accused of being
a macho-pig and having no respect for women and it will be presupposed that I suffer
from a sick sexuality and worldview. That my sadism and the joy of my bottoms
as bottoms is also sexually liberating to all of us, is not as easily accepted.
My fear is that phenomena like ‘taharrush gamea’ does not add to a social
climate where more tolerance for sadism and consensual play with gender roles
is thriving. And this is a thing that worries me: it worries me that my whips could
be forbidden, that erotic spanking will be regarded as domestic violence, that
rape play or enjoying a sex-slave will get me in trouble with the law and
authorities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">We must of course take a stance
against sexual violence and abuse of any individual, regardless of gender, age
or culture and as kinky folks, we should expressively do that. But we should
also take care, that sick behaviour does not render the liberation we worked
for in the past thirty years useless by letting conservatives and starry-eyed
idealist turn back time and put their old values upon us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Remember, this is just thinking out
loud. As always, I wish you good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the
dungeon: be cautious and play safe and with a heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Enjoy – Sir Cameron<br /><br />And the cancer is spreading: https://www.zerohedge.com/news/2018-10-22/britains-grooming-gangs-part-2</span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-72843825210079991812015-10-06T17:44:00.002+02:002015-10-06T17:45:17.197+02:00How do BDSM and Commitment relate?<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">This blog entry is part of the
series on BDSM and Sexual Identity</span></i><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK17"></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK12"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK10"><i><span lang="EN-GB">Much with regard to BDSM is focused
on describing praxis, like play or the sometimes herewith involved sexual activities.</span></i></a><i><span lang="EN-GB"> Also the technical part of how to play and perform are basically aimed a
practical issues.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">This blog will more focus on BDSM as
activity between people, and more particular on their commitment. Often BDSM is
seen as consensual activity, power exchange and alt-sex, which can all be the
case in healthy leather play, but not only power, sex, violence or trust are
essential, also is commitment. Commitment, first to yourself and to the relationship
you have, second to the roles you play.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">We shall also see, why I think that commitment
in the SSS-triad should be connected with S, rather than with S or S.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">(As always: This blog is about
exploration, not doctrine …)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">About relations<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Ever
since working on an article regarding the ‘analogia proportionis’ and the
‘analogia proportionalitatis’ - both Latin phrases related to the theory of the
‘analogia entis’ - I have been aware of the link between the words, ‘to
relate’, ‘relation’ and ‘relationship’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Personally,
I find these ‘relations’ between the meanings of a word very interesting. What
I will try to do today is to look if the terms ‘commitment’ and ‘relate’ can teach
us something about the important distinction between identity and role.<br />
<br />
As this blog is not about the philosophy of language, I will not go into the
meaning of words, how words relate to reality or truth, but rather with
Wittgenstein simply phrase that the meaning of a word is its use in a language.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When
we use the verb ‘to relate’, we express that something or someone is linked,
connected or correlated to each other. A relation can denote a coherence, a
proportion or an affiliation, a relationship can often bear similar meaning,
but seemed to be reserved for interpersonal bonds. This latter coming close to
what we see as a commitment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">About commitment <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Basically,
I will here just use what Jack Rinella wrote in his ‘Master’s Manual’ in the
Chapter about Contracts and Commitments. The first thing Rinella does is
pointing out, that a contract is a written description of how people will
behave as a couple. On the other hand he sees commitment as the underlying
inner condition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Traditionally
commitment is seen as a motivational thing. Something you engage in, support
and want to promote and stimulate. With regard to commitment in a relationship
between lovers or spouses, commitment has often carried the whiff of
exclusivity with it. Rinella here mentions: “family values, including monogamy,
fidelity, chastety and morality.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When
it concerns BDSM, is will be clear that the ‘good old’ family values will be challenged
at the least. From feminist and polyamory activist, we know that we can and
should reclaim some – if not all – of these values, by deconstructing them and –
de facto – remove their ‘relationship’ with certain doctrines and worldviews
and put them into a new context. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Commitment to identity …<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Continuing
from where we just left, by playing BDSM in safe, sane and sound ways, we
distinguish ourselves as sexual minority sub-culture. We relate to values, but
these are now more based on psychology, exploration, curiosity and freedom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Rinella
sees the first and primal commitment that we as players have, towards our own
identity as sexual beings and quotes from Shakespear’s Hamlet ‘To thine own
self, be true’. As your sexuality and your sexual identity is yours, so is your
commitment with regard to how we wish to live out our sexuality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">If
we play with others, we – normally – first relate to these others. I say
normally, as there can be others involved in actual play, like anonymous
fuckers in rape play or gangbangs. Philosophically, in such cases, one could
bring up the difference between relationship and occurrence or happening. But
we also – more practical – can say that previous to such play a negotiation or
agreement of some sort was made.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">So,
if we play with others, we relate to these others. In this sense we are not
only committed to exploring our own kink, but we do it together with others who
similarly wish to express their sexuality in such a way. This is what I call
the commitment to your identity and as sane players also to the identity of
your partner(s). This of course includes consent, care for the wishes of
others, their personal integrity and safety of body and emotions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">… and roles<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This
said, I will now turn to the expression of our commitment in play. Is the
relational commitment to ourselves and others based in our sanity, the next
question is how sexual identity and play relate. The way I see it, is that in
play we explore parts of us by focusing in on them and express them in particular
roles, rituals or actions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For
Rinella three operative words come to mind: “clarity, honesty, consistency.”
Knowing what you want and what not. Be honest enough to communicate this
properly and sometimes say no. Consistency can be seen as being true to
yourself. So even if experiences can and will occasionally change your
preferences, you should be consistent in pursuing clarity and honesty in your
play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yet,
I think we can add something more regarding commitment. As BDSM role play
enables us to be – in a way – someone, or something that we normally are not,
or not as intense. Roleplay is a method of exploring our sexuality by
simplifying relationships in roles that are just there for the moment – and yes,
in 24/7 slavery it is different –they say, but I beg to differ; as, e.g. a
concept such as serial roleplay comes to mind.<br />
<br />
Commitment to the role we play is also an identification process. In a way, we
attach a part of our imagination to a model or role, so we can by playing this –
a treat we learned as a child, in order to understand how some roles relate to
the world, to others and to ourselves. It is the way we learn and grow and
relate to what we identify with.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Example<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Take
e.g. being a bully. Most kids are not a bully, but they may want to be one some
now and then – when they are angry - but social conventions mostly prevents
them. When playing out my sadist side, I can tell you it is extremely cool to
be a brutal nasty bastard and to whip that whimpering slut until her eyes show
that look which I want to see and expresses: you are my master.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Very
dry analysists will now point out and say that this look is not really towards
me, but towards the role I play and how that is dependent how it is perceived
by the recipient. And we know that, just as we know that a bottom sees her side
of the show and not particularly what I think she is reacting on. But, somehow
we connect and communicate anyway and we also know that there is still that
part that goes beyond the role and when I identify with my role as malevolent
being, there are genuine parts of me get involved in the role too. The role is
the vehicle of our amusement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The
relation between the – say – two sides of our play: the cold interrogator and
the poor victim, has its own dynamics. The energy flows from one pole
(victim-role) to the other pole (perpetrator-role) due to an intentional
inequality. Commitment to your own role is constituting to that of the other.
Here it is more a matter of how one part relates to another part in the role
play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Concluding
we can thus say, that a relationship between parts (of roles) that are played
out, can be distinguished from the more inner commitment or relating to others
and our individual self.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<strong><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Constantia",serif;">The clue regarding the SSS-riddle<o:p></o:p></span></strong></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">We
can and should be committed to safety and soundness in our play and behaviour.
Yet, commitment for me has to do most with sanity, particularly as expression
of an inner motivation of which safety and soundness are manifestations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As
sanity is often related to mental health, this inner attitude of being
committed to both a BDSM relationship as to BDSM play. Commitment to a cause, shows
that it is a reasonable choice for which we have other motivational arguments,
just as we could have opted not to commit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Just
as we last time have seen that a safeword, as such, is founding for consent and
thus sane play, we now can conclude that commitment as inner motivation add to
the identity of whom we are when we play. Both as a consenting individual, as
in the roles we play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Remember,
this is no rocket-science, just thinking out loud. And as always, I wish you
good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the dungeon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Enjoy
– Sir Cameron<br />
<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--></span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-75187610905083331222015-10-06T17:42:00.001+02:002015-10-06T17:43:13.654+02:00Consent and Safewords<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">This blog entry is part of the series on BDSM
and philosophy</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Recently a lovely friend of mine and I disagreed
on the use of safewords. When pondering on the cause of our difference in view,
I consulted others, both tops and bottoms. What I found out is that some ideas
have an edge to them, particularly the concepts of RACK, SSS and Total Power Exchange
(TPE).<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Consenting partners will always be an issue; but
the idea of the continuity of consent in kink is in a way a pain in the ass, particularly
in situations of altered mind states. For BDSM consent nevertheless forms one
of the criteria by which we regard ourselves as sane or as sick.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">(As always: This blog is about exploration, not
doctrine …)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">What the heck is RACK?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Wikipedia
describes this as follows:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">“Risk-aware
consensual kink … is an acronym used by some of the BDSM community to describe
a philosophical view that is generally permissive of certain risky sexual
behaviors, as long as the participants are fully aware of the risks. This is
often viewed in contrast to safe, sane, and consensual which generally holds
that only activities that are considered safe, sane, and consensual are
permitted.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Are questions about safety wrong? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Basically,
I do not think so. For the factual consequence of what RACK tell us is that we
cannot ever exclude all risks, mistakes or bad scenes, in other words there is
not such a thing as a safe place. Even when RACK and SSS (safe, sane &
sound) are often presented as contrary, it depends on how you use and interpret
the different stances; either position can be regarded as a conversation, an intellectual interchange,
which neither leads to truth nor sets one on a course to find it. But on the
way we can learn and get smarter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Why is consent such an issue?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In a
previous blog I stated that; “generally speaking we can regard kink as sick
when we lose control over our urges and get other people involved without their
consent. So we can distinguish between healthy and unhealthy BDSM depending on the
presence of mutual consent and the span of control. Not consenting BDSM is
dangerous and can lead to the kind of situations that are used by non-kinks to
label that what we do as ‘sick’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For those
who love BDSM and are not ‘sick’ - but simply have a healthy curiosity for the
somewhat out of the ordinary sexual praxis - the rationality of what we do by
consenting – even when some of the acts involved can be irrational – gives us
an argument over against the views of BDSM as sick, mental or abusive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The problem
is, however, that the regular non-BDSM concepts of slavery, total power
exchange and submission precisely challenge the notion of consent. The origin of
BDSM play is often found in fantasy. As in our dreams, we have consenting
partners by definition, otherwise they would not be there and doing those
things we crave for. In a way, we make them up on the large screen of our minds
projections. And for doing this, for this imagination we take the necessary images
out of our head, our memory, our experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In your
dream, capturing, seducing and raping that adorable person you work with is
perfectly fine and sexy. In reality however, you probably not have them answering
to your unbelievable hot urges, but rather have them sewing you, resulting in losing
your job and land behind those kind of bars we explicitly do not want to see in
front of us.<br />
<br />
Simply stated, the difference between fantasy and reality play is consent. In
the SSS credo this is captured in the notion of ‘sane’. Doing nasty and pervert
things between consenting adults is fine, as long as safety is an issue too.<br />
<br />
Where imo RACK and SSS differ is the amount of risk that can be accepted and
safety that is needed. I will exemplify that with the notion of ‘safewords’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK7"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK6"><b><span lang="EN-GB">Safewords, yes, but(t) …<o:p></o:p></span></b></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Wikipedia describes
a ‘safeword’ as:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">“… a code
word or series of code words that are sometimes used in BDSM for a submissive
or bottom to unambiguously communicate their physical or emotional state to a
dominant or top, typically when approaching, or crossing, a <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK17"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK16">physical, emotional, or
moral boundar</a>y. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Some
safewords are used to stop the scene outright, while others can communicate a
willingness to continue, but at a reduced level of intensity. Safewords are
usually agreed upon before playing a scene by all participants … <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Safewords
of BDSM fall under the guiding philosophy of safe, sane and consensual. Those
who practice the more permissive philosophy of risk-aware consensual kink may
abandon the use of safewords, especially those that practice forms of edgeplay
or extreme forms of dominance and submission. In such cases, the choice to give
up the use of safewords is a consensual act on the part of the bottom or
submissive.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">There we
have it. Giving up safewords is not safe (according to SSS), but might be
regarded as consensual (in RACK), particularly in edgeplay or TPE.<br />
<br />
So with my friend, she likes to be in total control, but what does this mean?
Does such a thing as total control or total power exchange exist? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">With the help
of the notion of consciousness I will try to shed some light on things as
control, consent and identity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Consciousness
is the state or quality of awareness, or, of being aware of an external object
or something within oneself. So whatever control might be, it must be conscious
and consciously applied in BDSM-play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">But like
most things labelled with adjectives like ‘true’, ‘real’, ‘total’, ‘complete’
the question is what the scope of meaning of such words is in the practical
context of BDSM-play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Total
control is a in a way a futile concept, as we are not even in control of our
own thoughts, most of our actions are steered by our unconsciousness and
nervous system, not by our thoughts. Also total power exchange is immediately
limited by consenting persons that exchange power.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For me - as
top – sane use of power involves both control and awareness, but also letting
control go and be dependent can be sane practise. Thus both TPE and sanity are
rooted in consent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Consent of whom?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The idea
that a safeword would be some kind of topping from the bottom is definitely
misleading, but I guess this will always be an issue between the RACK and the
SSS camp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">One way of
dealing with this issue is to look at different levels of identity. To our core
identity belong things like gender-identity and sexual orientation. Naturally,
when we consent in BDSM activity, such identities play a major role. The basic
respect for the integrity of another person we play with, as a fellow human
being, is paramount to consent. Before even one bit of power exchange can start
flowing, it is obvious that giving consent to this process presupposes sane
persons on equal footing that get involved in play, by their choice. Consent
thus functions as mechanism to preserve identity and integrity of the persons that
wish to get involved in BDSM play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Consent is
therefore founding for any form of BDSM according to both RACK and SSS. So when
we link consent to identity, we may connect BDSM with exploration regarding our
sexual preferences and urges. BDSM role play is thus in a way ‘at variance’
with both identity (which we exploring on) and with mainstream culture. Playing
roles thus enables us to learn, grown and own our experiences, as a person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<strong><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Constantia",serif;">The
clue<o:p></o:p></span></strong></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">My
suggestion is that the safeword is linked to consent. <a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK11">Consent
requires explicit communication and a mutual understanding of the context and
activities involved in the scene, the withdrawal of consent is therefore just
as crucial to sane BDSM as consenting. The RACK phrase ‘consensual-non-consent’
is basically a bypass to the continuity that consent establishes. This might
seem as a breach as we saw consent as founding for BDSM-activity, yet also in
the SSS based stance of BDSM, we have to deal with altered states of mind, like
sub-space where the bottom in not able or willing to safeword. Therefore a yes
in BDSM-play may be of a less fundamental value as a yes of a person in its
normal state of mind. As one of my friends wrote: “Some subs go so deep into
subspace the only thing keeping them from harm is their dominant.”<o:p></o:p></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">We take those risks, because our psyche craves
for realisation of both the conscious parts of our identity and the hidden,
dark and unconscious parts. BDSM-play is thus transgressing in nature, and
therefor risky.</span><span lang="EN-GB"> The
clue is that consent can change. And even then, as seen above, a safeword will
sometimes not help. I have had bottoms in my power, seeking my will and not
caring about consent. That can sometimes be seductive, but that is the nature
of playing with power. You can use it according to your own perception, but
tops get into their BDSM-role too. So when our self-perception changes, also
our limits can get fluid; including limits that define us as sound or sane -
and that is very un-safe and risky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The power
we have been given, by consent, can turn into dynamics that are not steered by
respect for the integrity of the other person – the factor that makes
consensual play sane. The idea that the top is in ‘real’ control, might reveal
itself as mistaking the darker side of our top-role for justified and allow
power with to change into power over – and the herewith connected notions of
abuse, violation and deprivation of self-integrity of the bottom. After all, coercive
sexual interaction is part of many kinky roles that the BDSM community likes to
fantasize about or tries to realize in active play; being kidnapped and kept
captive by that vicious female pirate or being interrogated and searched for
drugs by that mean couple of custom officers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">So playing
rough and edgy roles can be tremendously rewarding, but it can also be scary
and result in a change of mind. Passwords are an expression of non-consent and
a change of mind of one of the players must have a way to be realized and heard.
For me, besides trust and consent, also pre-scene negotiations and safewords can
help to diminish the risk of our play going awry; in fact for me playing
without an exit strategy would indicate we have to do with unsafe play partners.
Within RACK, we have not simply “safe”’ but rather fifty shades of "safer"
and "less safe”. Having a safeword that is available to both tops and
bottoms, we make it safer as it forms one (last) straw that enables us – when
we still can – to claim our right to conscious self-definition, a thing we all
consented to in the first place. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The idea
that a slave is then having power, is simply acknowledging that real power is
not taken, but shared and given over freely. This is willingly and consensually
done by another person, which presupposes the inherent quality of having power
to share or accept in the first place. Playing a slave and being a slave are
two pair of shoes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Playing a
master/mistress by seizing control once a bottom has lost it, places all the
responsibility on the top and luckily most of us can handle that, as we are adult
and sane persons that play with kinky urges. Like the continuity of ‘consent’
is sometimes for a while out of our control, so can we for a short while feel
and experience how it is to be ‘on top’. We then perhaps accept that the
consent of our bottom(s) as being exchanged to us for the duration of the
scene. Again, as a friend said; “Tops should then safeword for their sanity when
it is their conviction that the bottom has had too much.” Being a top is first
and foremost an inner attitude and a matter of self-definition, experience,
knowledge and technical skills are only the result thereof.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In this
blog I argued about the importance of consent for both RACK as SSS. Not only have
we seen that consent is the founding base on which BDSM-role play is resting, I
also suggested to connect safewords with consent, so that the pursuance of kinky
and sexual happiness always stays legitimate and humane.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In order
not to do this at the cost of others, I stressed the importance of understanding
that risk cannot be avoided, but that the respect for the integrity of our partners
may include their basic right to self-determination and self-identification on
which a given consent is based in the first place: power to choose is a given
and just as founding as consent is. Finally, I emphasised that the notion of playing
and being master or slave is in a way a discontinuation of both consent as
power. This brings us deep into the land of archaic imagery. For my part, I opted
for safewords, as total power, true domination or real control are just
adjectives blurring the crucial border between facts and fiction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As always,
I wish you good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the dungeon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Enjoy – Sir
Cameron<br />
<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-33891046313236449002014-07-27T15:16:00.001+02:002014-07-27T15:16:25.226+02:00The dark side of BDSM - and what vanillas can learn from it<i>In the blog ‘When your sin is to change – How BDSM impacts (y)our reality’ we found three points with regard to the diminishing tolerance in and towards the BDSM culture. Today we look further into the phenomena that “</i>many newcomers to the scene are attracted by the sheer sexuality of what we do, but on the other hand are not really aware where this attractions is based upon and what it actually is what they seek.<i>”</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>The combination of sexual curiosity, tolerance issues and unclear motivations, form an explosive trio. In several weblogs on BDSM, feminism and sexology I notice an increasing attention for violence and abuse. I will argue that this is due to a loss of tolerance. By trying to shed some light on the darker side of BDSM, I hope to come up with some material we, as a kinky community, can work with and improve on.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Observing BDSM and its effects: is it sound?</b><br />
Anyone that observes BDSM subculture will notice a few mutual things. Firstly, it will be the fact that in many – if not all – cases the sheer sexuality of what we do will trigger primal instincts in most of us. Secondly, it will be clear that BDSM is much broader as sado-masochism and it in a sense is also not. Thirdly, the contrast between what happens in an actual BDSM scene on the one side and things like normal vanilla sex, public morale and social behavior on the other side, will likely put BDSM in a shady light. But is this rightly so?<br />
<br />
Yes, it is true, BDSM can be very primal and even primitive. Actually this is one of the reasons why we do BDSM. But even when BDSM has many faces, friendly and terrifying, the control and punishment issues around power-exchange are nevertheless typical for the harder forms. There are tops and there are bottoms and their role is mostly not one of equality, but show a strikingly disrespect to what is commonly regarded as healthy. And it is true, a Master wishes to see that slut on her knees, ready to obey and serve. Thus by contrasting BDSM with ‘normality’ it becomes clear why in the past – and in the presence – BDSM is seen as a deviation from the norm; it is kinky, perverse and sometimes sickly paraphilic in the perception of the unfamiliar observer. We as kinksters may not like to hear this, but that is the way it is.<br />
<br />
However, even when all those labels would apply, does this mean, that we have to say that BDSM is not sound? Of course we kinks say no to that and nowadays in the post-Christian West even most psychological professionals regards consensual BDSM to be perfectly fine. But what does it mean to be fine? Is there still not something unusual about it? Something dark even?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The literal dark side to BDSM and kinky play</b><br />
One thing that comes to mind when visiting a fetish club, a leather party or a loosely organized munch is that many people are dressed rather dark: little black skirts, leather clothing, boots, dark sunglasses and black ties and suits. Black seems not only to be an intrinsic part of the Gothic world, but of the kinky scene too. Besides the clothing and appearance of the kinksters, also the environment is in a way ‘dark’. We speak of dungeons, crosses, chains, cages and of course the whole bunch of ‘nasty’ tools, like clamps, whips, floggers, crops and ropes. Don’t forget the royal size butt-plugs, the handcuffs and the hot candle wax, needles and slave collars. So hot, all of them! Add to that the typical roles of brutal sadist, mad scientist, pirate, kidnapper and relentless slave holder; you get the idea: BDSM is as dark as it can get.<br />
<br />
Now, some will reply, that this is just part of our role and role play; we need the fitting surroundings and we need that particular mind set to become the vicious top or tragically pervert daddy. Just as some bottoms will be the perfect victims; whimpering, crying and full of markings due to bondage, spanking or the cane so vividly swung by their tops. And this is all true, but still dark.<br />
<br />
Then, some will reply, that when it is all about ‘decoration’, ‘showing off’ and ‘leather, wet-look and latex’ and a bit of spiced up sex, is it more than just a game? We in the Dominion of Lord Cameron know it is. The outside appearance, the visible and tangible sides of what we do, is - as it says – the outside appearance. Beneath that, or rather, underlying the outside, there is the inside, that what we feel and the way that what we do impacts us. But is that dark?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The visible dark side to BDSM – on the surface</b><br />
For someone scratching on the surface of BDSM, the show may just be eccentric behavior, or - on the contrary – precisely the play will be regarded fake, as the submission or dominance is consensual. Along the same lines, people within the kinky community see some version of BDSM praxis as normative – often their own things – whereas other BDSM forms are being downplayed. Why is that?<br />
<br />
My personal impression is that because I consensually hang my submissives on a cross for whipping or other punishment, it is not regarded as the ‘real’ thing. To this I can only reply, consent or lack of it, does not make that what we do real or unreal, but consent is what makes BDSM sane, just as the lack of consent makes it sick. Believe me when I use that whip and swing that cane, my strokes are just as nasty. They hurt and cut and bruise, even when my bottoms do wish to have them. And it is by my power, that they kneel and get mocked. And it is due to their and mine perversion that they orgasm while being humiliated and abused. Whoever sees this as ‘just’ a game, an illusion, should question why they refuse to simply call BDSM for what it is; shadow play, dangerous and sexy alike.<br />
<br />
Only a few of my non-kinky vanilla monogamous friends have seen me play as Sir Cameron. And from those few, only one could understand what was going on and this caused our friendship to intensify, or added rather a new dimension to it. With this one friend I now feel better accepted, while the others were only confronted with their personal limits regarding sanity or sound behaviour. And of course, they are entitled to their own opinion. Just as we are. Just as BDSM does sunder.<br />
<br />
Starting from this last confrontation, that of kinky stuff with mainstream sexual ethics and praxis, it will be clear that BDSM is at least strange to most people. This makes kinky folk to strangers among their peers too. We play safe, because we do not permanently want to hurt another human being. We are sane, because we take care, know what we do and use a sound and proper technique to do it. But we are still an outsider group – which is also one of the dark sides of being kinky; we run the risk to be pathologized, labelled and discriminated. Many of us downplay such experiences, accept it as the intolerance of others, but this does not make it less real. We are ab-normal.<br />
<br />
With abnormal, or deviant, we mean that it is not only due to our behavior that we are different, but also with regard to our underlying urges. It is a tad weird, if you get aroused by the whistle of a cane or the sound of a whip. It is a bit strange, if you like your genitals pierced with needles or take a golden shower. And it is this difference in how we experience and perceive those things that set us apart from those who do not find it sexy, or fun, or lovely.<br />
Whether or not our urges are genetically or socially based, for most of the kinks it is clear that it is something inside of them. And as it is inside, it might take a while before it comes out. And when it comes out later, the shock is usually heavier, as it collides with many convictions we have; it also might not at all be according to the lines that we see ourselves function. We may have jobs that we can lose when we get ‘caught’. We might lose friend or family, our partner and even children. So why do we go along then?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The invisible dark side to BDSM – below the surface</b><br />
To be yourself is one of the greatest challenges we can face. Becoming who you are, enfolding your potential and talents is a life-long job too. Most of us do find their way; study, get a job, have a promotion, get a partner and perhaps children. Most of us learn to take responsibility for our health, finances and relationships. We grow, as all people do.<br />
<br />
But when you are kinky - or LGBTQ – there is another issue we have to deal with. It is the thing that we are in a way, different. To cope with this difference is easy for some and hard for others – up to the extent that their lives get ruined when coming out. Below the surface of kinksters there is a dark ocean of feelings, lusts and anxieties that tend to destabilize and confuse us.<br />
<br />
It is hard to accept that you are a pervert. We are trained to be normal, we are expected to be normal, but sometimes we just are not. Denial of our perversion, not seeing that we are factually and also sexually different and sometimes have acceptable wishes and sometimes deviant wishes. Yet, being different does not render us wrong, inhumane or sick. When we function normally and can integrate BDSM in our life without harming other persons, when we play safe, sane and sound, we are okay. Persons with other ethics may argue here, but that will be, because they do only partly understand what it means to ‘be’ different, or that they are biased because of their worldview.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The invisible dark side of men – beyond BDSM</b><br />
In BDSM theory we often find psychological and sexological theories being used to explain the development of consensual BDSM and its way of getting free from being ‘sick’. Currently the main work on this ‘verdict’ is the ‘Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders’ (DSM). In the latest issue DSM-V consensual BDSM is no longer regarded as a mental disorder. Even when it is still acknowledged that some paraphilias are statistically seen perfectly deviant.<br />
<br />
What happened is that psychiatrist, sexologist and evolutionary biologist took a more practical stance on what is going on. Human sexual behaviour, preference and fantasy was acknowledged as being broad and diverse in praxis. The ethical or religious evaluation is one side that played a larger role in the past, but that psychology cannot provide. Our concept of normality is to a large extend biased by our cultural heritage. When we actually look at what kinks do and how they do it, the variance in human mating behaviour and human sexual urges is a fact. Psychology opted not to judge whether or not this behaviour was a result of sin, DNA or upbringing – even when these factors are explanatory still relevant. Instead DSM-5 accepts safe, sane and sound BDSM as acceptable when it is consensual and not harmful to others or the paraphiliac itself.<br />
<br />
When we however use the insights that sciences like psychology has provided us with, we can see a lot of interesting things happen. Even when the way sexual urges are displayed may vary among kinky and vanilla persons, fact is that we all have sexual urges. Even when kinks act on those urges, many vanilla persons do not act on their urges. About 2/3 of the adult males have fantasies about seducing a teenager. About 70 percent of females have sexual fantasies that involve some kind of dominant pressure to get involved in sexual acts or even rape.<br />
<br />
I am not arguing that fantasy and reality are one and the same. Obviously they are not. No sane person wants to be raped, most adult men, do not have sex with teenagers. The underlying reasons are just as obvious; we respect the bodies and the integrity of other persons; we only engage in consensual sex. At least, that is what we believe we do. Statistics however show, that sexual abuse is a bigger problem in mainstream society, as it is in consensual kink. Of course the BDSM scene is vulnerable to abusive unethical people, so it is our job to look out and practice safe and sound BDSM, to protect ourselves by avoiding situations that are possibly dangerous.<br />
<br />
Not only abuse is an issue in mainstream sexuality. Also the doctrine of monogamy is and this is also the main source for divorce. For most people, monogamy simply does not work. Not only does it not represent their fantasy, it also can be frustrating when other things as our sexuality do not longer denote for what it is that we seek in a relationship. Even when seen from our sexual urges, a side step may be explainable, after all, we all need intimacy, love and bodily contact and sex simply is a great way of having all or most of this. Sex is something very personal and feeling sexy also makes us feel more loved, more accepted and more valuable. The big issue however with side-steps is that they normally do not involve the consent of all the partners. Which makes it cheating, lying and a most fleshly display of disrespect to our lovers.<br />
<br />
So, we find that the notion of consent is an ethical one. Real love does not need cheating, real BDSM does not need ‘sickness’. Furthermore, we find that sexual urges are often around taboos, forbidden things or shameful desires. What the major difference is between consensual kinky people and vanilla persons, is that by playing roles, the kinks have found a safe, sane and sound way to very real do what their fantasy is telling them to be utterly hot. Equivalently, consensual swingers, open relationships and polyamory forms do offer sexual vanilla fantasies to be put into consensual practice. I guess, nobody would call this ‘not the real thing’. Consequently, BDSM is a real thing, because real people play with real feelings and desires.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>How dark is dark?</b><br />
What we call dark often reflects the images that we have learned during our childhood. Education, religion and other socio-cultural values tell us what is good, bad and ugly. There is a reason to ‘battle’ against these things; they are real. We humans have a dark side to us, each and every one of us. In terms of depth psychology this is accounted for with the ideas of subconsciousness (Freud) or a personal and collective unconsciousness (Jung).<br />
<br />
Below the ‘surface’ we find the source of our anxieties, complexes and neuroses. It is a pool of forgotten, repressed or still hidden things that we label as ‘primitive’, ‘animalistic’, ‘dark’ or ‘evil’. Depending on which theory you use, BDSM is likely to be explained as the welling up of images, ideas and emotions from the non-conscious to the conscious. This can express themselves in anxiety, dreams or sexual fantasy. As such, being a sadistic villain, a raping pirate kidnapper, or the damsel-in-distress who is waiting for Prince Charming on the white horse to say her, are all expressions of similar things. These are the parts of our psyche that are hidden, emotional and often irrational.<br />
<br />
When we grow up, we learn how to deal with these impressions. They help us to flee when danger comes up. They help us to give in and surrender, when we need to lose ourselves in our partner to find shelter, love or pain. The unconscious steers our life to an extent that exceeds what we expect to be the case and indeed is most of our behavior not very rational at all. Evolutionary theory however, thinks that our conscious and our rationality is the mechanism that sets us apart and what makes humanity to the unique species that we are.<br />
<br />
Rational reflection on our sexual urges belongs to that uniqueness. When we question who we are and why we do the things we do, we principally have taken responsibility for our actions. Those who make use of ethical systems that do not take evolutionary biology or the findings of modern sexology and psychology into account, run the risk of clinging to ‘first repressed and then converted’ emotions themselves and judge things they do not fully understand on borrowed authority.<br />
<br />
I can only speak for the repressive form of Christianity that I once myself was involved in. Just as most philosophers and psychologists, do I think that the religious dimension of human history itself is part of us and our heritage that on itself had and still has its function. It is up to the free individual to pick their system of beliefs, but for those Dominion of Lord Cameron it is clear, that freedom and power are perhaps just as illusionary as religious truth or scientific evidence. What we can see, taste and feel however, is that being humane to other humans is beneficial to those involved. So for us consensual BDSM helps us to find ourselves and our place in the world and sets us free and by role play lets us safely be the Ancient Hunter from the past, or Babylon the Whore herself.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Conclusion</b><br />
From all we have seen, we can conclude that BDSM can very well be rational human behavior. And there where it is irrational, there were we merge with our roles, it is still planned and controlled by setting out a path, a scenery and a surrounding to play our roles with full conviction, while still being safe and secure.<br />
<br />
We have also seen, that as BDSM is a very particular set of deviant needs, we are not wrong in acting on our impulses, but we have to take care to follow the rules that makes it worthwhile for all partners to be engaged in kinky play. By sticking to rules and by reflection on who we are and why we do what we do, we also can be exemplary in pursuing our sexual needs. As an adult, rational and caring pervert, we can avoid the booby traps that many non-kinky relationships suffer from. As such, it is not what we do, that makes the difference, but the way how we do it; consensual, ethical, safe, sane and sound. Add that to normal vanilla sex and many relationships will improve, while trust and care and respect can flourish there where our needs are adequately met.<br />
<br />
<br />
Play safe and have fun – Sir Camerontheclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-73441371680971468792014-07-13T18:28:00.003+02:002014-07-13T18:28:20.313+02:00Is there Morality in BDSM and Corporal Punishment?<i>Morality or ethics is not something many kinky folk are concerned about. Of course, they want to do the right thing - most of the times - but as mentioned in the previous blog: “We are more a practical community, focused on human needs and humane ways to find a safe way to get our needs met”, than that we are a bunch of fancy philosophers that contemplate on the eightfold way of bondage or the epistemological consequences of dirty talk.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>In this blog we will examine the second point that was raised the last time when we looked at the diminishing tolerance in the BDSM scene; “we see an attitude when truth, morality and justice are involved that can be seen as an increasingly relativist position. As anyone has his own truth and nothing is generally valid, you can be as egocentric as it goes.”</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Starting from this, we see if we can find a handle to morality that fits both modern demand and still leaves us free to pursue our lovely sexy kinky habits. If so, we can truly say that BDSM is good.</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Are BDSM and corporal punishment immoral?</b><br />
From the above quotes we have seen that the leather subculture has certain characteristics; firstly, we like to live and play out our kinky urges. As we are mostly lust and sex driven in this pursue, this is the dominant factor. Secondly, we are rather practically focused; concerned with the ‘when’ and ‘what’ and less interested in the ‘why’ and ‘how can we’ kind of questions. Thirdly, as a result of postmodernism most kinky folk have an attitude that is perhaps not entirely egoistic, but there is a general light-heartedness when it comes to the justification, rationalisation and morality of that what it is that we do. The hedonist pursue of sexual bliss is of course acceptable, as long as we do not lose our focus, that BDSM is first and foremost a social activity, where two or more persons get involved in play that requires both trust and care. Already here we find the seed for BDSM ethics.<br />
<br />
Besides that; the question if BDSM is immoral, is a tricky question anyway, and this for two reasons:<br />
<br />
1)<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When most in the scene are not concerned about ethics, but just do what feels right to them, can they then properly account for what they do? And should we? After all, we cannot expect that getting involved in BDSM has to come with the duty to professionally account for the ethics of the scene, particularly not when considered that BDSM is rather broad an activity. This on itself does lead to a relativist position or a one-sided view that is to overcome.<br />
<br />
2)<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>When most professional ethicists are not involved in BDSM, can they really understand its power and its dynamics from the inside out? In a way they probably could, but nowhere will the academic be more biased as with what she regards as perverse. A similar thing goes for many feminists when they would meet me with a teen-slave girl at my side and Sir Cameron would start talking about him being a feminist. How can you value women, when you whip them? How do you rationalize that? How can you speak of justness and morality?<br />
<br />
When the above does make clear that inside the scene there is no real interest in the ethical question and at the outside there is no sympathy or need for an affirmative ethical yes to kink, then how do we arrive at satisfactory answers?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Can human nature or evolution theory account for morality?</b><br />
For those who have read the previous posts on evolution theory and BDSM, the idea that this can provide us with arguments that justify ethical kink may not come as a surprise. Eventually, we will have to find some arguments and nature or evolutionary development can show the way in many things regarding sexology, but unless you wish to use statistics to explain our behaviour and employ statistic normality as a base for morality, nature just is a given that can be known through facts and experience. And on top of that, nature is very diverse. Let us in this respect consider parts of the social, feeding and mating behaviour of the other four of the great apes;<br />
<br />
a.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The Orangutan is a mostly solitary living fruitarian that when involved in mating rituals, stays monogamous for a while.<br />
b.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Gorillas are predominantly herbivores, live in troops and inside of that group only the dominant alpha male has several females to mate with.<br />
c.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The chimpanzee is an omnivorous but mostly frugivorous ape that lives in groups. Regarding mating rituals Chimpanzees are promiscuous but can also form temporarily or longer lasting monogamous pairs.<br />
d.<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Bonobos are omnivores and tend to live in a broad community where mating is, among others, used for socializing and solving conflicts. Bonobos also perform face-to-face genital sex, tongue kissing and oral sex as the only primates besides man.<br />
<br />
In anthropomorphical terminology we would say, we have monogamous, polygynous and polysexual apes that live either solitary, in a paternal troop or in a maternal group, while being vegan, vegetarian or omnivore. From this point of view the variety in how humans eat and copulate and socialize is just a mixture of what we find with other great apes.<br />
<br />
I know actual people living those different things in all possible combinations, thus rather showing the natural diversity, instead of providing a justification for normal natural and abnormal unnatural behaviour. The idea that there is a right way to live together and to have sex together, is itself questionable. The fact that the question for ethics do arise in the first place is however of much more interest; after all, ethics seem to be an evolutionary trait that humans developed. As such, the question for ethical justification can be regarded as an attempt to find out how humanity functions best and how we achieve maximum evolutionary benefit out of ethical rules when sexual behaviour is concerned.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Back to sin …</b><br />
In the previous blog about ‘BDSM and Sin’, we have seen that religion, ethics and social rules are closely connected to our worldview. We can distinguish their respective influences, but they do not come separate: a religion not lived by its members is dead, ethics with no subject cannot be known, a society without having their rules based in any form of belief or religion or ethics is hardly imaginable, so we are stuck with the mixture.<br />
<br />
We have also seen that the ethical mechanisms which govern sexual behaviour more often as not are being put to use in order to support a particular view on sexuality, like cementing a religious or otherwise founded authority and to keep (repressive) institutions in place. So when we talk about BDSM in a (non-sinful) ethical context, we have to find a way around history and its obvious deficits in its dealing with human sexuality.<br />
<br />
For a long time I have searched for suitable options, like watering down the scope of religious authority, or by trying to use atheist arguments, or even egoism – but then, BDSM can of course never solely by and for yourself, which basically means that we need social rules, which on itself are embedded in morality ... Clear, but where to find them?<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>The nature of ethics</b><br />
One of the characteristics of morals is its ability to show why we should follow them. For this, we obviously need practical support for our morals; in the sense that it does work. It does not need to work flawlessly or perfect, but it has to show its merits as people show the tendency to drop behaviour that does not lead to the desired results. A good example of a working ethical concept in BDSM is the familiar ‘safe, sand and sound’ credo, which has proven to make the community a safer place than it was before. The issue with this kind of rules that are based on practice, is that they are not regarded as generally valid. And – inevitably? – ethics that are not universally valid are seen as relativist.<br />
<br />
The question mark behind ‘inevitably’ already makes clear that the claim of universality is indeed a questionable one. It seems however, to be the claim that is the trade-mark of constitutionalized morality; in that view morality is not only intrinsically universal as a human trait, but also universally valid in its object or in the propositional content of its assertions. An example can clarify what is meant here: not only is claimed by most monotheistic religious teachings that e.g. sexual fidelity is a human ethical rule that is valid for all times and societies, but it is also seen that this is best lived out within a – long term - monogamous relationship. Meaning that we cannot e.g. have sexual fidelity in a polyfidelity community – which is obviously a false conclusion, as we can.<br />
<br />
We have opted for the view that morality is a universal trait in the sense that most properly functioning human beings to some extend carry moral values that are used to get right from wrong. Humans, so it seems, are ethical beings. Concerning this functional use of ethics, as a human tendency, I have a cautious yes. But with regard to the alleged ethical truths, it seems much harder to argue in favour of their universality.<br />
<br />
Behind the concept of universally valid truths, beliefs and dogmas, lies the assumption that we can relate them to something universal. Most of the times the connection to a divinity, a religion, an ideology or a popular worldview is regarded as justification to attribute truth to such conceptions. Now is it – due to lack of a universal frame of reference – impossible to decide what assertions of truth are universally valid, if any. With regard to some laws of nature, we know that the laws are valid, thus true. But this use of the word true can be misleading in the context of true morals. We have the logical use of true and false, or the ethical use of right and wrong, but truth is a sort of slippery thing.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Ethics and truth</b><br />
The point is that many ethical problems are such in character that a simple true or false in the logical sense cannot be made. The reason is that when we look at one assertion at the time, like (p1) Monday it rained and (p2) Tuesday is was sunny, we could say, that indeed it rained on Monday, so the statement (p1) is true. But it did also rain on Tuesday, so the statement (p2) is false.<br />
<br />
It does not work like this with ethics, as from statements that are expressed in propositions we can say whether or not their propositional content is true (or false), but ethical judgements are complex and do not come in single independent assertions. On top of that from behaviour, sentiment or feelings we cannot easily make similar truth claims. We cannot attribute logical truth to ethical answers in the same way as we apply truth with propositions – then for a proposition to have meaning, that what is asserted needs at least to be true. Nevertheless, it is also clear that certain moral principles must work, and in this sense be true, otherwise no sound person will felt bound to that principle for guiding their life. We thus expect morals to be true, binding and lasting.<br />
<br />
The idea behind universally valid ethics is that we perhaps cannot prove the truth of an ethical position, but that we can logically deduce the rationality of it. The advantage – so it is argued – would then be, that anyone could reach a similar conclusion based upon logic and not on (irrational) sentiment. We would thus be justified in holding something for right and other things for wrong when we can find compelling logical arguments to support our claims.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Beyond philosophy</b><br />
The introduction of justice and (logical) justification into ethics might at face value be a rationalistic tendency – and it for sure started like that – yet, the problem with the concept of logical justification does not lie in the rationality of the arguments as such, but in the expectation that they are universally valid and in the depreciation of sentiment (as it seems rationalists through the ages felt somewhat uncomfortable with sentiment).<br />
<br />
With BDSM being very much an endeavour that requires gut feeling, sentiment and intuition – besides a proper attitude and technique – any morality based upon mere rationalism reduces human experience to the part that we rationally can account for. Yet, from BDSM as praxis, we know that unconscious and repressed motives urges players to do what they do to a much larger extend as logical arguments do. After all, we do not get turned on by arguments, but rather by seeing, touching and thinking.<br />
<br />
The idea that human behaviour is anything near being rational is plainly delusive. Consequently, we should distrust any ethical system that does not take into account that we are animals, evolved animals for sure, but nevertheless. Therefore, we should have rational argumentations, but not a rationality that is directed against or suppressive towards the non-rational side of humanity. Sex has never been a rational thing, but a biological issue, with rationality, ethics and emotions attached to it for sure, but reproduction is reproduction.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Beyond rationalism</b><br />
We have just seen that there is a tendency to explain human behaviour with morals that favour rational arguments over sentiment. Universal concepts have reigned over large parts of humanity when it comes to sexual preferences, sexual tendencies and sexual identity, but none of these ethical conceptions seemed to have been built entirely on logic, but rather on religious or political views.<br />
When for a justification of ethical sexuality such ideas of universally valid concepts are dictating, which are based upon worldviews that deny the relevance of modern scientific theories - regarding evolutionary theory and the finding of sexology, e.g. concerning DNA hard wired gender identity or sexual preference – we are definitely entitled to check if such presuppositions do actually find a confirmation in reality. It is my opinion that they do not adequately do so. Nor logic nor empirical facts support such claims.<br />
<br />
What I observe is that similar circumstances for similar people result in similar ethics. The philosopher Richard Rorty once described ethics as not concerned with dilemmas between loyalty and justice, but rather as conflicts of loyalty towards larger groups and loyalty towards smaller groups. Another thing that Rorty addresses is the issue of redefining justice as loyalty to a larger group instead of something that is universal. Moral dilemmas are in this view not seen as a conflict between reason and sentiment, but rather as conflict between loyalties toward different groups. This means that for us to belong to a group, we have to share the same moral values, if we do not, we cease to be part of that group.<br />
<br />
If we e.g. assume that there is no transcendent being – a.k.a. God – who by revelation tells us how to behave in the bedroom - we would be left with nature (as ‘creation’ a smaller ‘group’ as a Divinity transcending the universe). Similarly to the sexual behaviour of other great apes, we could convincingly argue that kink is partly genetically founded and thus a perhaps uncommon, but nevertheless natural behaviour for humans. It would rather be statistics that say what is normal and what by exceeding two times the standard deviation is abnormal, not ethics.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Kink and abuse</b><br />
When kinky behaviour is an integral part of humanity, we can ask where the difference lies between whipping slaves in the 16th century and BDSM-Mistresses whipping their sex-slaves. What is the difference between rape and rape-play? In a way it may be that the actions look very much alike and for certainly the experience will have larger emotional overlaps, but there is a fine difference; this is found in the presence of consent as a result of rational agreement. This is what BDSM sets apart from abuse. And together with feminism, we find many religious doctrines towards women and their sexuality in principle more abusive as BDSM de facto is.<br />
<br />
Contrary to the brutality that we sometimes do display when we are in a scene, the reality of safe, sane and sound BDSM is rooted in the consent of all the participating players. This consent is not mere consciously made, but also an expression of our own free will to participate in role play in order to get our needs met. This means that both sentiment as rationality are involved and seasoned BDMS players take good care that not only emotions like lust or greed or violence are the ones that motivate us, but also genuine interest in the wellbeing of our partners.<br />
<br />
By taking care for each other kinks add ethical motivations to the play and show responsibility towards fellow human beings. Of course you can also play unethically, e.g. when you do not protect yourself and your partners against possible diseases or when you or your play partner is cheating on someone else. As any act also sexual acts are subject to social rules, when BDSM would be unethical, it would have no rules at all. So the question is not if morality is not a human trait, or not if BDSM had no ethical consequences, but rather what arguments can be given to justify our actions.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Kinky ethics</b><br />
When morality is part of human behaviour and there are no universally valid ethics to be found, the question is how to arrive with ethics that would have our ethical obligations met. If we take up the concept of consent once more, but this time taking it to a broader field, we will soon arrive at the conclusion, that any group and their social behaviour has much to do with consent. When two parties differ about what the proper behaviour would be, they talk, negotiate and find a solution that is acceptable. In this sense, the power a manager has over her employee’s is not much different from the power she has over her slave-boy in the night after work. In both cases there is a relationship that has authority and different roles involved, in both cases the partners involved are consenting; the slave-boy could anytime use his safeword to get out if he would; the employee has signed a working contract.<br />
<br />
Any unforced agreement between free and sane individuals creates trust and a bond. We feel connected to a group because we can identify with what they do and who they are and what they represent. For this reason BDSM roles – except for 24/7 relationships – are mostly temporal role play. After the session is over the Mistress is mom and part time pharmacist again and the toy-boy goes back to his job as senior bank manager.<br />
<br />
The above example shows, that by being able to choose our roles and to be able to have different social roles in different social settings, we show not only that we can differentiate between when what sort of behaviour is appropriate in what context, but also that we do remain our identity; we are neither fully this or that, but always act in accordance to the kind of relationship that is involved: family father, car mechanic, lover and friend; as such, BDSM is just another form of a psychological role we play including the corresponding (ir)rational behaviour.<br />
<br />
Yet, it would be wrong to regard BDSM as merely something primitive. It takes a lot of time to get close, to build trust and to learn how to please one another. It takes a lot of courage to do some of the things we do, like being vulnerable, like getting hurt, like being honest about your own desire. Name calling is just a primitive reaction in itself; for those who never have thought about BDSM beyond the usual prejudices: BDSM is about fun, about trust, about very sexy things that make us feel good and secure. This is what people in the scene are looking for, this is why they do what we do. Just as any alternative form of behaviour, we try to play by the rules that enable us to achieve our common goals. That these goals and our ways of achieving them are not mainstream does not per se render it wrong. That these goals are historically seen not morally sound, says perhaps more about historical ethics and their sources, as it does about BDSM in its modern guise.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Conclusion</b><br />
From all we have seen, we can conclude that BDSM can very well be rational human behaviour. Where fundamentalist moralist differ from pragmatic moralist is to which extent they regard freedom of sexual expression a human right or not. Based on evolution theory, there is no need to discriminate on gender, race or sexual preference. Not at all, provided that this behaviour is not harmful to one self or others. The protection of our own kin is just as natural as it is with other animals. For this reason, universal human rights are a good example that ethics are needed in order to secure our evolutionary survival; it protects humans against inhuman acts and violation of their rights and integrity.<br />
<br />
From the point of history, BDSM never had the change to evolve, because the social restrictions put upon kinky persons where so severe, that BDSM urges needed to be repressed. It is still so in those areas of the world were our personal freedom is limited by laws, religious convictions or powerful social groups. History also shows that we evolve, and this gives us hope that also our ethics will evolve until it encompasses all the different groups there are, but without the need to go beyond negotiating consent. No violence, no repression, no discrimination, no abuse.<br />
<br />
We have also seen that I draw heavily on the concept of humanity as being meaningful in itself. Whoever means to be able to transcend this meaning and follow a ‘higher call’, should also realize that more moral wrong has been wrought by ‘higher calls’ as by BDSM – if any. Moreover, we might still consent regarding human personal integrity and freedom, even when some readers carry beliefs that they hold for better as the moral that I here argued for. Such believers might even have good arguments for their views, but as long as they cannot be rationally argued, by compelling evidence or prove, we are stuck with history, sentiment and repressed freedom and that has never proven to be a wise choice.<br />
<br />
So, is BDSM good? In a way this will always be a point of discussion, but when BDSM is ethical and humane, why should it be wrong? Sir Cameron and his Dominion Members, the Friends, Submissives and Councils of the Court, as well as Members of the House Cameron, for our part, have chosen to live a BDSM lifestyle based on ethical non-monogamy and feminism. And as long as we act on those principles and form a community of trust, our BDSM is definitively good.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Play safe and keep heathy, have fun</i> – Sir Cameron<br />
<br />
<br />
P.S. These blogs are long. Thank you for reading it to the end. In the near future we will look into evolutionary mating behaviour and aggression.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-15753190841717090132014-07-05T15:03:00.001+02:002014-07-05T17:12:32.918+02:00When your sin is to change – How BDSM impacts (y)our reality<i>Sin a big word. Loaded with images from age old religious convictions, we often connect sin with God, Church and all kinds of forbidden forms of sexual expression. For this reason, sin is not a popular term in the BDSM-world. We are more a practical community, focused on human needs and humane ways to find a safe way to get our needs met. Why then sin?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>In this blog entry we will examine the connections between sex and sin as seen from four different angles: the religious view, the societal view, the feminist view and the sex-positive BDSM view. Together this will provide us with insight of the past, present and future of BDSM actions. And of course, the sin to change …</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<b>From sin to sex – unavoidable from a religious point of view</b><br />
For many of us who still have been raised in a Judean-Christian context, the step from sex to sin is only a small one. Assuming that the Old Testament was written in Babylon; the Bible can be seen as a collection of religious texts that date back roughly 2-2.5 millennia ago. As such – seen from a literal perspective – they accordingly represent the views of the individual authors and the cultures they lived in.<br />
<br />
So seen, there is nothing wrong with these ideas; they are part of history and some of these values have been proven useful and other have not. Otherwise, there seems to be something wrong with these ideas, as they are still regarded as an authority by many followers of the one Christian faith. And for those who see a larger entity or power behind the texts that we have, the views on sex that the historical authors once had, are often seen as binding for all ages.<br />
<br />
But it is not this kind of more or less Christian concept of sin or sex I wish to address, but rather the effect that change has on tradition. Any acceptance of new convictions brings along that we now reject other convictions, because we no longer hold them valid. So seen, traditional views on sexuality, perversion of sexuality and the morals of sexuality are not easy to change as long as the institutions that maintain the moral, religious or legislative power do not likewise see this change of mind as necessary. Therefore, for a majority of the world, their sexuality is not based on freely living out what they desire, but rather to conform their sexual identity and urges to the strict guidelines of the religions they adhere to.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>From sin to sex – hardly avoidable from a societal point of view</b><br />
When religious convictions regarding sexuality govern large parts of the world, they also do in most societies. Due to the separation of Church and State in the free West, some critique on religious authority has started to grow since the renaissance and lead to the current situation of declining numbers in Christian converts, the rise of fundamentalism and many wars between science and religion.<br />
<br />
In the free West, human rights have become the basis of public morality, but still religious convictions do play a major role in the assessment what sexual behavior is acceptable for society and what not. We only have to look at China, where despite being an essentially atheist culture, nevertheless the sexual freedom is very limited. As with many not so open societies, political views have taken the place of religious texts and even when sex offenders are called offenders and not sinners, the result is the same; rejection of who those people are and punishment for what they do.<br />
<br />
In a way, even in the free West we needed quite some time to free ourselves from prejudges. Less than forty years ago same-sex orientation was seen as a mental disorder. Sadomasochism still is by many in our ‘open minded’ society. And the mechanisms are always the same; those who have the power to influence moral findings use all the power they have to continue their own story of what is right and wrong.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>From sin to sex – sometimes avoidable from a feminist point of view</b><br />
Feminism brought many good things to society. The best thing was that they brought back the awareness that when female rights are ignored, society as a whole cannot prosper and grow. As such feminism was a mechanism of change which – amongst others - did address female sexual rights – regarding birth control, regarding the own legitimacy of female sexuality, regarding respect and safety for females as sexual beings.<br />
<br />
So seen, did feminists add to necessary changes in society, but its effects could have been much larger if not religious convictions would have claimed control. With this I mean the idea of female superiority – which is not there – or the idea of regarding all institutional power - and particularly abusive power – in Government, Church and society, as strongholds of male interest.<br />
<br />
Together with this battle of the sexes, also the view on what female sexuality was or should be got very thoroughly deconstructed and reconstructed again. As any theorist or activist is influenced by their individual upbringing, sub-culture and experiences, feminism fell apart in many different groups that consequently started to battle for the label of ‘true’ feminism.<br />
<br />
There was and is still more openness for change, growth and maturity, but the energies now seem mostly spend or directed at New Age religious movements. Once academics discovered feminism, the warriors of the first two waves were regarded as too radical and normality set in as usual.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>From sin to sex – avoidable from a BDSM point of view</b><br />
Leaning on sex-positive feminism, many same-sex persons and kinks started to free themselves from the shackles of religion, tradition and Freud. Sex is no longer seen as sin, but sin is seen as holding on to truths that find no warrant in reality. Sin is in a way seen as failing to be the person one could actually be when one would be liberated and free.<br />
<br />
The mechanisms that govern such a process are based on views like the above mentioned sex-positive feminism, but also on new insights in genetics (with regard to the gender issue), evolution theory (with regard to the development of sexual behavior) and in sexology (about how sex actually relates to us being human).<br />
<br />
From depth psychology we have learned that most of our psyche is still subconscious. We learned about how desires function, how society and religion influence our behavior and how we can connect religious issues and concepts like sin, guilt and freedom with rational concepts like Archetypes of God, the Great Mother, the Shadow and the eternal male Animus and the eternal female Anima, to name just a view.<br />
<br />
Taking those mechanisms into account, sex-positive thinking has brought us a revaluation of sexuality which effects in less condemnation and more patience, acceptance and understanding for both modern and historical views.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>From sin to sex – The sin to change …</b><br />
The sin to change is taking the chance of improving your sexual life. This can be seen as a sin, when your society does not agree with that change. For BDSM this is still the case for most of us. Many of my friends outside and in the Dominion cannot fully out themselves; too hard the consequences regarding our jobs, neighborhood or families.<br />
<br />
When Sir Cameron goes out with two of more women, you see the people think. Once you cuddle all of them, a hand here, a kiss there, you literally see their worldview displayed on the screen of their facial expressions. Disbelief, disgust, envy, curiosity; to name just a view. Which is all okay, of course. No one should think that these persons are not entitled to their opinion, but it sucks big time, when you go out with your subs and then get remarks like; “do you wear something under that?”, “do you need a real man?”, “may I try her ass too?” (males do ask things like that) and “why do you do that?”, “have you been a victim, or manipulated?” or “dumb sluts!” (which are typical female remarks).<br />
<br />
Out on the street you can expect intolerance, after all, we are the abnormal with a sick sexuality. Yet even the BDSM scene itself is again getting less tolerant as it was in the nineties. For this I see a few reasons.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>First we have the enfolding curse of pornography that uses sexual images to govern our sexual experiences and does not communicate that masturbation fantasies are not a good recipe for relations and sexual interactions that are not based upon fucking like animals.</li>
<li>Secondly, we see an attitude when truth, morality and justice are involved that can be seen as an increasingly relativist position. As anyone has his own truth and nothing is generally valid, you can be as egocentric as it goes.</li>
<li>Thirdly, many newcomers to the scene are attracted by the sheer sexuality of what we do, but on the other hand are not really aware where this attractions is based upon and what it actually is what they seek.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
In a next blog, I will work out these three points in order to see what challenge we face and how we can use pornography, egoism and curiosity for the better of all of us.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Conclusion</b><br />
Summarizing we can say that sin and sex have a common past. Sin and evil are intrinsically religious concepts that are used to show how we can live a life in honor of the Deities such religions represent. Control over sexual behavior also meant control over the population, consumption and satisfaction. It that what comes naturally, is converted into a culture of shame and guilt, the priests and prophets have a valuable coin that can be cashed in any time they choose.<br />
<br />
Resistance against change in sexual behavior can thus be seen as an attempt to conserve power. An understandable but not always reasonable mechanism. At the end, the facts usually wins. If not, the casualties will be high; as history has shown, when most perverts have been victims and have been pathologized in order to avoid having to change the leading opinions.<br />
<br />
The solution will be to avoid both terminology like sick or discriminated, but to dynamically use the concept of ‘sin’, ‘evil’ and ‘bad’ to explain where history and tradition got it wrong. Because humans are very sexual beings, the number of listeners will grow. Perhaps if we learn to channel sexual energy properly, a better world will get closer – at least it will have a lot more fun.<br />
<br />
<i>Enjoy and stay healthy</i><br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Sir Cameron</b><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-35983918178659498762014-06-30T10:00:00.000+02:002014-07-27T15:58:16.005+02:00Psychology tool bag - Powerful ideas for training bottoms<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>One of my mentees asked me a good question: “What is your most powerful psychological training for subs?” The reason behind it is obvious; as a good top, the submission of our bottom(s) is one of the two thing that makes us happy. (The other thing would be orgasms). This blog entry is about finding a few markers that can be used while topping. A psychological tool bag, so to say.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Where is bottoming about?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The question is what is to be achieved by psychological training, as not all bottoms are alike: one likes to be trained as a pony, others want to be a classical serva or just being punished in the context of a kinky roleplay. Furthermore, normal persons are resilient against a too obvious form of manipulation, so it has to be something refined in most of the cases. Or at least a training that takes the existing psychical renitency into account.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Remember, that all I am talking about concerns consensual BDSM. Using psychological ‘tricks’ without outspoken previous consent of both/all partners, can be seen as a form of abuse. Particularly the mental side of abuse is a nasty thing that is often misunderstood. I also think that this is the reason why sadists are potentially the worst kind of abusers; because they will attempt to fuck the mind too. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, no abuse, or abusive manipulation. It is not that I think that many tops have an issue with this, but I just want to be thorough and emphasize that only safe, sane and sound BDSM can give us a rationalization for what we – as kinky folk – actually do. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Plotting the scheme</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, where are we? If we know our bottom(s) – and at least in the preparation of a play this kind of information should be gathered – we have a good idea about what they want. The first thing is to see if we – as tops – feel up to it: does their fantasy met with ours. In the scene it might be regarded as ‘weak’ when tops feel not up to something (e.g. rape-play), but I think tops have limits too and are by no means obliged to ‘perform’ on the whims of their bottoms (for some reason the phrase ‘fuck yourself’ comes to mind). The second thing is to decide if the fantasy of the bottom can be realized immediately, or if further preparation is needed. I understand the question regarding the most suited psychological training related to this second question: how to prepare and lead.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Taking into account that both the fantasy and the experience level of top and bottom are very much dependent on the individuals involved, it is hard to give a general advice on what kind of psychological training works best. The most important thing is to find out: a) what kind of bottom someone wants to be, b) to asses in how far this is doable and then c) set out a route to get there. I realize that most dominants just want a bottom to be shaped after their own imagination, but unless a top absolutely knows its own desires, the forming of others can be tricky. For a while it will be fun, but the day will come that either top or bottom find no longer that satisfaction in the play for which they started it. By continuous negotiation it can be achieved that mutual interest are being respected, so – in an altered form - the BDSM-show can go on. Egoist usually do not play very long.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Renitence and roles</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If a top or bottom has a lot of experience, there will not be much training required. Most of the times, it will likely be a matter of connection and chemistry. For beginners the issue of training does involve the gathering of playing experience by playing a lot. Once the consent is there, once the mutual desires are shared and the road is planned, the actual training can start.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Coming back to the issue of renitence. Remember that in the form of BDSM which we play in the Dominion of Lord Cameron (DOLC), the play is seen as role play. We are tops and bottoms in a particular situation, or even all the time, but we are not always playing. So seen, training a bottom must not – but can be – a full time job. We are neither always eating, nor swimming, nor kissing. What I mean is that we have to distinguish between being a top or bottom and the expression of being a top or bottom in a play; do we play because we are a top, or are we tops because we play?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From this last question, we can see that role play is complicated. When in addition the distinction between fantasy and real play is taken into account, we come a bit closer to some answers. We have stated our wishes and negotiated a goal; yet while being on BDSM-road - in vicious action I hope – we meet with limits, borders and inner convictions that result in blockades, a change of heart or renitence. As such this is logical human behaviour and we play in order to learn and grow. To achieve growth we have learn to manage certain emotions, get a clear view on how our initial expectations relate to reality and to understand what is difficult for us and why this is so. I regard renitence as nothing but a clue to the solution provided by the one that is going to be even more profoundly bottomed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Now, what about those tips?</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One task for tops in psychologically coach their bottoms is to be found in communication where and why their behaviour needs training. This requires trust and leadership. So, essentially the first strong marker for powerful psychology is the right mind set, and this includes being interested in the development of your bottom and in wanting to lead your bottom. Of equal importance is the willingness of the bottom to accept guidance and correction. If every step or submission needs to be battled for, something is going wrong. Of course, you might have to put that bottom down occasionally, and they will bounce back in return, but you need to be sensible to grasp the dynamics of a play and thus distinguish it from real internal resistance.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This brings us to the second strong marker for powerful psychology: your bottoms feelings are okay. Bringing someone to their designated place is tough, but great work, as such. But we have to understand that while we travel on BDSM-road, we will occasionally have to take a break. Feelings get in our way. This does not occur because feelings are stupid – even when they can be – or that feelings are unimportant. Not at all; feelings are there for a reason; and that reason is that our feelings and that of our bottoms have something to say to us. If we feel lonely, we require attention. If we feel lucky, we might want to share it, or enjoy it in private. If we are feeling scared, we simply may have had a negative experience in the past that we perhaps are no longer even aware of. Yet, such feelings of fear, uncertainty and distrust are not entirely negative. At least, not as long as we understand their role as signs that can help us to better leadership. Understanding feelings and knowing how to manage them is thus paramount to good topping praxis.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The third strong marker for powerful psychology is: trust your gut feelings. As BDSM in the view of the Dominion (OLC) is a rather pro-active form of (sexual) self-expression, trusting your instincts is something you have to be enabled to. To afford to rely on your gut feelings presupposes that you can actually rely on them. Self-knowledge and self-trust are key to good topping. When you are quiet within and surf the emotions of your bottom, you have to ‘feel’ the currents change, ‘hear’ the wind getting stronger or weaker and to ‘taste’ the salty tang of the sea of passion on your ‘virtual’ tongue. If your intuition sucks, you only have your head to rely on. This can work up to a certain extent, but Sir Cameron and his bottoms know that for the real deal, a lot of shadow work needs to be involved and that Sir Cameron being a ‘dark’ Lord is simply because he understands the power of the dark side.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As many foundational motivations in BDSM come from deep inside of us, it comes as no surprise that our intuition and instincts play such a prominent role. I therefore advice any top that wishes to get under the skin of the bottom and deep inside the bottoms head, to study the Jungian psychological concepts of the Shadow and the Anima/Animus complex. Not only will you better understand the depth of BDSM-play, but also you will have a tool to work with. Knowledge is power and much of the power of tops is founded in knowing to do the right things at the right time. Again, I regard intuition as most striking, but also theoretical knowledge and the knowledge that comes from experience are all of vital importance.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This brings us to the fourth strong marker for powerful psychology: learn and practice. Studying BDSM theory is one of the ‘raison d’etre’ of the Dominion (OLC). When knowing what it is that we do, we can not only take responsibility for it (empowerment), but also develop the skills that need a touch more perfection. Besides having the mind-set of a top, acquiring skills is the second pillar of successful topping. BDSM is something that requires a continuous adjustment of imagination towards reality. Feeling the sting, using that snake whip, hearing that bottom lose orgasm control; these things cannot be learned from books alone (and not even from my blogs). BDSM play is practical play the rest is imagination.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Conclusion</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Summarizing we can say that practical experience, trusting your guts, management of emotions and being into your bottom are the markers we have been looking for. For those who expected a guide on how to convert that cute decent housewife or market merchant into a docile servant and sex slave may be less happy. Now, Sir Cameron has brought bottoms that never kneel to their knees – and he got a kick out of it – and he has brought bottoms to their limits and beyond – because after all, they want to fall and loose it. Yet, there is simply not a way of copying this or that, as any relationship between top and bottom has its own rules. All we can do is to trace universals.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The biggest insight – for me - is perhaps that the question for psychological ‘tricks’ is in itself a sign of hesitation. A good and healthy sign it is, because knowing what you do and why you do it adds to our safety net - but we have to get beyond the rational part. Once we are top, we should become that viciously sexy pirate that kidnaps the Damsel in Distress, the Inquisitor that let those bottoms confess their sins under torture, the Master that controls that ass and the mind behind it, the Mistress who is truly divine to her slaves, and freely let them drink her ‘blessing’. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Once we have internalized the tools, once we know them by heart, once we also know their limitations, we can step into that flow anytime, because it now flows through us; the flow whose currents lead us to strange new places and to wonderful bliss; the flow that at the end slows down and brings us to forever land, where little songbirds fly and dreams really do come true.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>In remembrance of Eva C. ----</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sir Cameron</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
P.S. Enjoy and stay healthy</div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-62003940554424457402014-04-26T16:27:00.002+02:002014-04-26T16:38:03.037+02:00What if your partner does not consent?<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">This blog entry is part of the series on BDSM
and psychology<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Lately I watched a documentary on transgender
persons that touched me very much. I have to admit in advance, that the
Dominion in general and Sir Cameron in particular is very open minded to most
sort of sexual deviance and wishes to be supportive to transgender, transsexual
and cross-dressing persons.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Yet, what we shall discuss in this blog is not
the theory of gender and sex, nor the possible sexual orientations of LGBTQ
persons, but that of their relationship with their partners. For as far as BDSM
is concerned, I think we might learn a lesson by the old instrument of analogy.
After all, whatever brand of sex or sexual identity you are in too, consenting
partners will always be an issue; particularly with kink as it forms one of the
criteria by which we regard ourselves as sane or as sick.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">As ever, we are exploring, not rejecting.
Please feel no offence when we address things that might hurt you; it is not
intended.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">The fear of being a 'not-normal' person</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This might
be a tough thing to understand, but whatever issue comes up that involves a
gender role, sexual orientation, fetish or kink, most people in our society, neighbourhood,
friends and relatives still react on any deviation with disbelief, rejection,
repulsion or fear. How much this may hurt, I have always pleaded to remain tolerant,
also to those who are not showing tolerance towards us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Beside,
even amongst kinky insiders, old age beliefs regarding gender duality and the
classical male-female roles are still very much alive. One of the most frequent
questions I get when I admit that I – as a sadist - play kinky scenes with both
men, women and transgender persons, is that if I am a homosexual person. My
answer is always the same; my whip has no gender.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yet, I of
course understand the need for labels and I use them frequently in this blog. As BDSM theorist one can simply not write adequately without them. On
the other hand, a label as a theoretical description is mainly for
clarification of a particular urge or behaviour, as a person we are always much
more than just this or that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Are such questions wrong? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Basically, I
do not think so. For a start we may simply conclude, that by asking such a
question - regarding sexual orientation, perversions being sick or the fear
that we will get off track even more – can be a genuine one. It may be that our
worldviews collide, it may be an expression of worry, it may be an expression
of intolerance; but it is a mere fact that many people carry misconceptions and
by being insulted we lose the opportunity to explain. In addition, we force
ourselves in the defence, a role that gives us less power and less
satisfaction, as we most likely react negative while we feel hurt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This is one
of the points that will be very much depending on where you as a kinkster or
person that is outing a sexually different role do live; what place, what
culture and in what family circumstances.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The younger
generations who grew up with more sexual freedoms as their parents might find
many things a bit far-fetched or not an issue at all. I pleases me if that is
the case, because it means you are freer as many in the scene actually are or
can be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In the
documentary there was a transgender person who outed transsexually as male to
female, and who had real fear of being a homosexual. Now, we all know that is nothing
to be afraid of, but for this woman, being regarded as a same-sex oriented man
felt wrong. So, I do emphasize, in her case, her fear was understandable.
Unfortunately, she was married and had children. So once she outed her spouse
and her child refused her choice, rejected her sexuality and eventually kept
calling her by her old male name. Which, of course, is an utter insult
and shows how intolerant, discriminating and hateful people can be, even those
you love and care for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This is the
kind of pain many kinks and LGBTQ can understand, as most of us have
experienced this kind of reactions and thus we know how it hurts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Why is consent such an issue?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In my last
blog I stated that; “generally speaking we can regard kink as sick when we lose
control over our urges and get other people involved without their consent. So
we can distinguish between healthy and unhealthy BDSM depending on the presence
of mutual consent. Not consenting BDSM is dangerous and can lead to the kind of
situations that are used by non-kinks to label that what we do as sick.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have to
admit, that we – including polyamory, kink, LGBTQ - sometimes still are
regarded ‘sick perverts’, even when we play sane, safe and sound and in full
consent with our play partners. And here is a novelty that we use in the Dominion.
It is not a real novelty, but nonetheless an extension of what is generally
regarded as consent, in the sense, that we involve all the partners we are in a
relationship with.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This means,
that when you are in the position that your partner does not agree with your
urges, you will have to negotiate in order to keep your relationship alive. It
should be very clearly communicated that this goes both ways. We regard it as
poor play when we cheat on our partners, as we give up on them, pursue only our
private pleasures and not the wellbeing of our partner(s) and our relationship
with them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">We can still
love our partner, take care of them, have sex, pay for the mortgage, play soccer
with the kids, even when our sexual preference changes. Basically it is an
inner development that we more often as not have not sought or opted for. Change
is an inherent property of life and not all chances are pleasurable or
desirable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Feelings of
guilt, loneliness, anger, pain and despair are understandable and often also
justified. What is not justified is the refusal of change. If you e.g. discover
at 38 that you are a bi-sexual submissive, this does not mean that your partner
has similar feelings, nor should they have. What you however should expect is
to be taken seriously with your urges. Love is not unconditional, nor loyalty,
but honesty always works best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Consider,
when you bottom with a person of your sex, in what do you actually ‘cheat’ if your
partner does not wish to top, nor a sex-change, so in what is that person
justified in feeling betrayed? And why is being faithful always connected with sex?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Most
likely, the clue will lie in their vision regarding the mutual future, in their
perception of the quality of the relationship or in their beliefs perhaps. All
perfectly understandable, but it turns out to be a very individual motivation,
driven by what your partner loses, feels being taken away from them or by what
they regard as sexually unacceptable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As any
person, your partner – and remember partners usually partner for a reason – is entitled
to their opinion, but so are you. In an equal partnership, or a partnership of
equals there is no other way to deal with change as to speak and argue about it.
By seeking to communicate your own needs, you show that you take both your
urges and your partner seriously and meanwhile also value your partner’s
opinion and consent. By keeping silent, by ‘cheating’ and by living a double
life, you harm yourself, your relationship and your reputation. It is not worth
it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">By being
open to your partners, you show the wish to be at par with them. If they simply
reject you and throw you out of the house, they do not see that the other way
around. Just like we do towards them, our partners have the obligation to take
care of us. By labeling us as perverts, sick or sinners, they are actively
seeking justification to move away from their own promises.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In that
case, we can regard the ‘label’ as an expression of intolerance, irrespective
or it is socially, politically or religiously founded. We can do so, because we
hurt no one, take our responsibility and make use of our right to sexual
self-expression. There is no reason to feel less humane as others, no medical
reason, no ideological reason and no practical reason, as we do not bother them
at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As with
religious intolerance, we can also regard sexual intolerance as an act of
fundamentalism.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Yes, but …<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">No but’s
here, I think. Not enabling consenting adults to privately live out their own
chosen sexual identity is simply not an act that shows respect to nature’s
diversity, the freedom of thought and the very human pursue of sexual happiness.
Period.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When your
partner, your parents, your friends, your colleagues, your children cannot
accept you as who you are, while privately acting as a consenting adult, they are simply
being fundamentalist. They may have their reasons for their convictions, but
what they actually are doing is to say that their ideas, their beliefs, their
urges are more important than ours, that we are not equal in worthiness, that
we are not equal in our freedoms and that we are not equal in our rationale.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It will be
obvious, that fundamentalist still regard their views as superior, and they
may, but they do not have to become a fundamentalist. I know many people who
think that my way of life is not working – yet, they do not wish to condemn me,
to reject me or to limit my freedoms, as long as I respect their freedoms too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have
personally been in the situation that my partners eventually could not live
with the fact that I am who I am. Some rejected me because I am a sadist, even
when I had no BDSM-relationship with them. Other rejected me because I am
polyamory, even when I had been open and honest and even sexually faithful and
loyal with them. It was not even by my acts that I was rejected, but simply
because of my convictions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Who is poor?</span></b><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The answer
will be obvious; the fundamentalist is poor, because they have not a factual
basis for their assumptions – like scientific evidence, a psychologically
relevant diagnosis or non-consenting behaviour that harms others – but only an
opinion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">We should –
in general - respect each other’s opinion, for as far as we have a warranted
argument for it, and we even could respect opinions that are unfavourable to
us, as long as we are not being forced to live according to their assumptions
to what is a healthy sexual expression.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I do not
force anyone to have a sex-life like I have it, or even a sex-life at all (and
there seems to be quite an unhappy lot in that situation, despite the abundance
of opportunities and love available). I do respect the public place and do not
display overtly obvious perversions – at least not to the extend as normal
television programs or advertising do show stereotypical heterosexual binary
gendered macho crap that contain the many lies that make the – at least small -
majority of our fellow citizens rather frustrated when it comes to sex and relationships.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Only in
this blog, I get rather outspoken. And those in opposition to it, the cross that
delivers you is at the upper right corner of this screen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In this
blog I argued about the importance of consent. Not only between those we play
with, but with regard to all persons we have an (intimate/romantic)
relationship with. I suggested that the pursuance of sexual happiness is
legitimate and humane. In order not to do this at the cost of others, I stressed
the importance of communication and the mutual respect that we as partners
should have; this includes that our partners know what we feel and what we do.
Finally, I emphasised the notion of equality in having a right to one’s
opinion. When we do not agree, we should part as friends. When we find a
work-around, our relationship has gained, not lost. Being open, flexible and
vulnerable, is always more difficult, but ultimately better as sacrificing a working
relationship for mere ideology.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As always,
I wish you good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the dungeon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Enjoy – Sir
Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-8935136788481924302014-02-14T16:08:00.001+01:002014-02-14T16:16:52.388+01:00On BDSM-Dominance, -submission and Physics<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">“BDSM-D/s and Physics” is part of the series on
BDSM and philosophy</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Recently a sub wrote me that there are as many
styles of dominance as there are dominants. On face value this seems to make
sense, but is it also true? Where should the borders between individual style
and structural difference amongst dominants be seen and who is capable to
determine a broad validity of the findings?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Yet, what we perceive as dominance, is as any
BDSM term necessarily a concept that by its very nature is limited to its
practitioners, beholders and opponents who are all set in their individual
socio-cultural context including their own convictions about what is ethical
behaviour and what is not. In this blog entry on D/s and Physics we will try to
figure out what actually influences dominance and submission.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">The limits of definitions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">While visiting
your local or online kinky scene, you will meet different persons, each of them
with their individual kink and – what is even more important – their view on
kink and that what it is that constitute to ‘real’ BDSM. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As a
self-acclaimed BDSM-theorist – because that is what I do when I write essays
and BDSM-Blogs like this – I reflect on BDSM from a particular point of view.
Yet, I do of course not mean to argue that my theoretical approach is the only
valid one, of necessarily a better one, but – and that is what in my opinion
separates a mere belief from knowledge – by focusing on the structural side of
BDSM instead upon the mainly individual experience of it, I hope to trace,
find, understand and explain a few of the sides of BDSM that many of its
practitioners – if not all – have in common.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When we
take BDSM as it comes to us, we see diversity, but we also see a few specific
ways on how BDSM does and does not function. In phantasy and real life, when we
engage in BDSM we use the views we have and value that what is happening
accordingly. As such, we all understand BDSM and a very practical definition of
BDSM would accordingly be (1) BDSM is what feels like BDSM. It will be
oblivious that this might be an approach that works for each of us individually,
as it is per definition, a very individual feeling by which we relate to BDSM. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">But in an
attempt to raise BDSM above the personal arbitrariness I will try to come up
with a view on Dominance that does not limit this to an individual view. Theoretical
reflection on BDSM is not explaining how BDSM or D/s should be or should feel
in your experience, but it is rather an attempt to explain what precisely it is
that constitutes a BDSM experience in general; which is a much broader
interpersonal view. In order to say something sensible in this regard, we shall
first look at those properties that seem to qualify BDSM as seen showing up in
the conversations between insiders and outsiders; this would be following
topics: power exchange, consent, paraphilia’s and sexual preference.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">How does power exchange work? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For an
answer we would normally start by looking at how the dominant takes away the
power from the submissive, stress the consent, etc.; thus arriving at a more or
less functional description of power exchange. But I think there is more to say
to it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">First of
all, what is power? And secondly, why exchange it? In my view these two answers
are connected by the very physical notion of strong interaction, which is one
of the four forces of nature that lets us perceive the temporal reality of
things and occurrences. In nuclear physics we say that two (fundamental)
particles exchange energy in the form of another – real or virtual – particle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">To see
power as energy, as a flow, as a current or a force is very rewarding in order
to understand what is going on in a dungeon. The reason behind this is because
the exchange in power is not only involving a structure of command and obedience,
but also the notions of sexual tension, feeling energized or drained, flowing
into alternate mind states and not to forget the warmth caused by physical actions,
like beating, changed body chemistry or fucking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">From the
latter we will probably getting an idea why we agree to an exchange of power,
but also here there is more to add. Power basically is a force that causes
change. As such the exchange is done in order to change; <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<ul style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="disc">
<li class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">a change in position (of more or less
power)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">a change in energy level (because power exchange is a sexy and turns us on)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB">a change in perception (as we use roles
that differ from our normal situation)<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This means
that the above mentioned distinction can help us to shed light on why dominance
in a BDSM context can be regarded from so many different angles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">When does BDSM qualify as paraphilia?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Generally
speaking we can regard kink as sick when we lose control over our urges and get
other people involved without their consent. So we can distinguish between
healthy and unhealthy BDSM depending on the presence of mutual consent. Not
consenting BDSM is dangerous and can lead to the kind of situations that are
used by non-kinks to label that what we do as sick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A free
exchange does itself demand consent, but even when consent is given, this does
not mean that everything that we wish to do is also healthy or normal. For this
reason our community developed safe guards like, safe, sane and sound (SSS) or
risk aware consensual kink (RACK).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Much of
what is being done in the kinky community can be a topic of discussion when it
comes to being ‘sound’ or ‘sane’. From the side of the dominant or top, this
evaluation requires a profound knowledge of what is going on, what to do and
what not. Beside experience, good skills and a caring attitude, also good negotiations
before playing is advisable. Particularly, as the use of power and force can
result in seduction, manipulation and scheming. By the management of power a
dominant can be defined.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Sexual road maps<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Our sexual
preferences constitute to our BDSM praxis. As always, differences in sexuality
- in its orientation, in its expression and in its intensity – show that sexual
characteristics are rather individual and person related. We would therefore be
ill-advised if we would go on regarding a particular role or sexual urge as intrinsically
worse or better; even regardless from the fact that BDSM needs both roles in
order to play effectively.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Our urges
are fuelled by what we seek to achieve, by what we dream and phantasize about
and by our own mental constitution. A mentally disordered person with
paraphilia will have different views of what is desirable as a sounder couple. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">But also
unexperienced players may have many visions in the safe and consenting frame of
their private minds, yet BDSM reality may differ profoundly. As with any
activity, we need to check ourselves if we are up to it. Driving a car while
having been drinking heavily is a dangerous option. So when it comes to sanity
in our play, we need to be honest and attempt to objectively evaluate our
current condition. Are we ready? Have we a clear idea of how we will play out
the scene? Do we have enough time and proper conditions? What about our safety?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Particularly
here, I see the many styles of dominance relating to being a responsible adult
or not. Tops that do not distinguish between the history of O from the fifties
of the last age and the sex-positive feminist views that go along with many
ethical stances by BDSM practitioners, do not qualify for playing with
submissives. Unfortunately many still do, using the argument that a submissive
or a slave needs to obey, needs to give in and needs to show respect. Basically
this is true, provided we know what we are doing, how to do it and how to enjoy
what we do by having a good time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Our mind is
leading us; it follows the energy and our instincts. Using our mind in BDSM is
just as essential as in any other part of our life. Unrealistic phantasy, not
planned scenes, unchecked assumptions and delusional self-image can and will do
harm to otherwise sensible BDSM play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In a later
article I will go into more detail into what kind of dominance we theoretically
can distinguish. For now this should do as food for our thoughts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As always,
I wish you good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the dungeon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Enjoy – Sir
Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-58330356315039157442014-01-22T15:08:00.000+01:002014-01-22T15:08:04.183+01:00YANK & the Thunderdome; Do we need another Hero, or just an Answer?<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">YANK’ is part on the
series on BDSM and sociology</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB">(Definition YANK: Yet another new
Kink-Community. Keywords: BDSM community, old age, gender-role, freedom,
sex-positivism, postmodern feminism)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Looking for something we can rely on <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">There's got to be something better out there <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Love and compassion, their day is coming <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">All else are castles built in the air <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">And I wonder when we are ever gonna change<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Living under the fear till nothing else remains <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">All the children say <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We don't need another hero <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We don't need to know the way home <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">All we want is life beyond the Thunderdome<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">(Partial
text of Beyond the Thunderdome; written by T. Britten and G. Lyle)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">What was lingering …<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">It has been a
while since my last series of posting in this Blog. The reason is, that Sir
Cameron is busy with his Dominion; a virtual realm in which the participants
attempt to live a rational BDSM-lifestyle. Even when few of you know about this
or are interested in the Dominion of Lord Cameron, it is relevant nevertheless,
then as YANK it confronts me with limits, opportunities and many things to
consider. Future blog entries will focus on these dynamics and transfer them to
your daily life as a kinkster. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">So it is today;
whether it is the Dominion, your new ‘relationship’ or your Munch-group; we are
looking for something … beyond the Thunderdome.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span lang="EN-US">We are the Children, they left behind<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">The
post-apocalyptic atmosphere of the 1985 movie <i>Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome</i> (directed by George Miller and George
Ogilvie) sort of suits the struggle and battlefield we find during the coming
out of the kinky community; a process that has been going on for over forty
years now.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">It is obvious; the
steel cage known as <i>Thunderdome</i> would
fit well into our fantasy play, also the primitive and raw way of clothing and
acting in the movie reflects the emotional garbage of primal urges that we aim
to live out in full splendor. Yet, so many kinksters I meet lately come, to
stay in the wordings of the song, <i>Out of
the ruins</i> (of vanilla society) <i>Out
from the wreckage</i> (of not functioning relationships) and tensed in the
awareness that they <i>Can't make the same
mistake this time</i>.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">An
understandable skepticism is what I meet when introducing the Dominion of Lord
Cameron; yes, there is openness, interest and curiosity, but also a kind of
disbelief, resignation even. Of course, we give it all, or nothing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">While reading
the reflections of two academics (Meg Barker and Rosalind Gill) on the blog
Bitchy Jones's Diary, they mentioned a few things that reminded me of the
reactions that we meet when speaking about our dreams and life-style as
expressed in the Dominion-ethical-philosophy. It is the feeling of lost
opportunities as Meg Barker mentions: </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">“the sadness and
almost sense of betrayal that the kink community wasn't better than that when
there’s so much potential for it.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">In the next few
paragraphs I will grossly follow their thoughts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><span lang="EN-US">Why do we expect kink communities to be better? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">A genuine
question I think. The answer may be that these are not old communities that
carry the scent of the old age with them; they are seen as fresh and exciting
so accordingly we expect better of them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">But, as Rosalind
Gill states, ‘it seems that there is a lot of covert policing going on, they
are steeped in ideas of what is and isn't permissible, gender roles and dress
codes’. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Why is that?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">During the coming
out of the closet of the kinky community, several parallels are to be found
with other sexual minority groups, like the bi-sexuals, queers or transgenders.
The first thing they have in common is the same old enemy of a society that
functions like a Thunderdome that keeps the ‘figthers for sexual liberty’
captive and that, secondly, only let the victims go at great costs: ripped off
from their roots, their beliefs, their communities and often alienated from relatives
and friends. For those amongst my readers who think this is an exaggeration I
suggest they should go out as a cross-dresser and see the nice and tolerant
reactions from the ‘enlightened’ people in the streets.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Barker mentions
rightly, that – like LGBTQ groups – kink liberation is “formulated on critique
of heteronormativity and vanilla sexual practices, so we expect better of them.”
The question is – again- why? Why should a movement that is driven by a
counter-reaction, a protest, provide a better base for success?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">A possible
answer would of course be that by taking the critique on former views into
account we might come up with a better functioning alternative. When studying
the scientific developments - as they slowly deal with the functioning reality
of kinky communities - there are indicators that we indeed have established an
alternative sexuality and proper ways of expressing it. Encouraging is also the
research of Richters in <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Australia</st1:place></st1:country-region>
that shows that engagement in BDSM was not significantly related to any sexual
difficulties and concluded that BDSM is simply a sexual interest and for most
is not a pathological symptom of past abuse or problems with “vanilla” sex.
(Richters, et al., 2008)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Something we of
course knew all along. And that may also be the core of our ‘problems’; the
covert policing, the ideas of what is and isn't permissible with regard to gender
roles and dress codes. The resistance culture eventually turned inwards and the
orthodox were not orthodox enough (we must all be Mad Max) and the reformers
are too feminist, too intellectual, too less old school.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">But there is
something to say to that; when I see how the ‘fifthy shade tourism’ is
affecting my local kinky community, it is easy to see that what once were the
‘hero’s’ in respect to kink, now are regarded as ‘weird’.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">As a group we no
longer are first generation kinks, I am not, only few in my Dominion are. Yet,
we are still struggling against the same biases of Thunderdome and increasingly
more inside our ‘own’ BDSM community. Inequality between tops and bottoms is
carried beyond the play rooms, as if 24/7 is the only sensible alternative. But
even there, equality, love, respect and care between the partners are a mere
necessity; it would not function any other way.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">So in a sense,
indeed the relationship issues are key in how we live together: the issues of
respecting gender, sexual orientation and chosen form of relationship, may be
more critical as the power exchange based dominance and submission themes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">As I cannot
speak on behalf of the entire BDSM community and only for my own Dominion
rulings, I will nevertheless advocate a few things that I regard as an
assignment of the BDSM scene as a whole:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<ol start="1" style="margin-top: 0cm;" type="1">
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">We definitely need more research
on and acceptance of queer, transgender and polyamory BDSM participants.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">Accordingly we require a change of
mind with regard to the question what rules kink; sexual pleasure based on
gender dynamics or dominance/submission based on power exchange.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">We definitely need more real
representation of female desire when it comes to sexualizing men and not
the behavior that ‘sells’ because it mirrors the male and phallus focused
sexual desire.</span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 36.0pt; text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US">Reflecting on how the
meta-narratives of public opinion makers and social institutions still
limit our freedom to define our own actions and appearance.</span></li>
</ol>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Yes, I know that
most of you readers think this sucks big time; and in a way it does, because
for Sir Cameron it means more time writing and less time for playing his lovely
bottoms. Yet, the alternative is that BDSM is domesticated by the post-modern
discourse of the filthy-shades tourist generation: the discussions of
multiculturalism and x-th-wave feminism are relevant for our future and
therefore we must either engage or loose our freedom of self-expression. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Perhaps the
sadness that BDSM has not delivered to many of us what we hoped to gain from
it, is caused by the loss of dreams and ideals. This Blog, the Dominion, the
ever changing and evolving stream of BDSM activities are perhaps not advocating
dreams, but rather work. If we want something, we should go for it, or mourn
like the left behind generation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">So, what do we do with our lives<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We leave only a mark <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Will our story shine like a light<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Or end in the dark <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Give it all or nothing<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">Enjoy – Sir
Cameron</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Literature & Links<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">- Barker, Meg and Gill,
Rosalind (2012). Sexual subjectification and Bitchy Jones’s Diary. Psychology
and Sexuality, 3(1) pp. 26–40 (Meg Barker is a psychology lecturer at the Open
University and a practising therapist. Rosalind Gill is Professor of Social and
Cultural Analysis at King's College London and author.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">- Richters, J., de Visser, R.O., Rissel, C.E., Grulich, A.E. & Smith, A.M.A. (2008). Demographic
and psychosocial features of participants in bondage and discipline, “sadomasochism”
or dominance and submission (BDSM): Data from a national survey. Journal of Sexual
Medicine, Vol 5(7), Jul 2008, 1660-1668.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">- Movie:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mad_Max_Beyond_Thunderdome<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="FR" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: FR; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">- Song:
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/WE-DON'T-NEED-ANOTHER-HERO-THUNDERDOME-lyrics-Tina-Turner/B639405FE74C5DF248256918002E909F </span><span lang="FR"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-89135072258946584752013-12-24T19:36:00.003+01:002013-12-24T19:36:39.938+01:00A good moral is a sexually repressive moral, isn't it? - A Christmas Trip to India<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">A spontaneous
blog on Christmas eve …</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Qustion:
“Why aren't there as many Indian porn stars”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Answer:
“Because Indians have good morals and to do or be a part of the porn industry
is considered "bad form". And it's considered a "dirty"
thing to do.”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
While reading a Q&A on Yahoo, I stumbled
over the above question why there are so few Indian porn stars. Well, if you
have ever seen Indian porn – undoubtedly from Bollywood – you know the answer;
it sucks big time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">But that is not the main reason, why I
started to write this blog. It was the answer that did trigger a certain
reaction in me and caused me to protest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Indians
have ‘good’ morals<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Rape in <st1:country-region w:st="on">India</st1:country-region>
is one of <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">India</st1:country-region></st1:place>'s
most common crimes against women. Marital rape is not a criminal offense.
Sexual violence within marriage is common, with 20% of men admitting to forcing
their wives … to have sex. A rape occurs every twenty to twenty-two minutes
(source: WikiPedia). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Beg your pardon, but good old Hinduism
morals do not seem to suit modernity any better as the sex-negative message of Christianity.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Porn
is a ‘dirty’ thing to do<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I object. There is in principal nothing
wrong with sexuality as such, nor with porn, as long as it is seen in the
proper perspective. Pornography is made for masturbation. Starting from this
view, it becomes obvious to the smart observer that fantasy play is good to
fuel our thoughts, but does not necessarily have to provide a guide or standard
for normal sexual acts or relationships. Porn is not real in this sense: it is
fake, played, staged and does not match the human needs that arise from a
normal sexual relationship, like feelings of tenderness, romance, love and
care. Instead, porn – or the most of it – display the same male chauvinist
sexist convictions as we can and do find in its target groups. This lead to the
funny thing, that porn - for its success - in a way is dependent on restrictive
views on sexuality, like the ones we find in most delusive religions. (That’s
one from Santa!)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Luckily, any sexually normal functioning
persons knows this, just as they realize that the thing they love – viz. sex - is
not bad, dirty, sick, pervert or sinful at all, but fun, once you bring in some
reality. It is scary to trust and love other people, open up to them and take
care to respect their needs and wished; but for your own sake, you better try
it. Once love, care and respect are the base of our sex life, many of the hot
and appealing things we find in porn are not that far away at all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Trust, nearness, honesty and some
dedication will show us way to learn what works for us and what does not. It is
your life; do not let old religions or antique social conventions rule your
sexuality. As long as you do nothing against the law or the will of your
partners, enjoy what has been an essential part of humanity ever since we
procreated.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Have a (f...) good Christmas!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sir Cameron and his submissive reindeers …<br /><br /></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-62757562564090573192013-10-03T13:20:00.002+02:002013-10-03T13:20:53.453+02:00Uncertainty and shyness - essential bottom qualities, or rather ritual symbols?<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">‘Uncertainty and shyness’ is part on the series
on BDSM and Psychology<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">(Keywords:
ritual play, Topping, bottoming, real and true BDSM)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">bottoms up<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In my
experience, uncertainty, low self esteem and being shy are disturbingly often
perceived as possible qualifiers to explain the behaviour of submissive,
masochist and slave bottoms. Well, at least, bottoms are thought to be like
that by the outside world, which – understandably - in general has problems to comprehend
the mechanisms that drive our BDSM urges and takes for too literal and
important that what is only part of our rituals of intimacy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">However, for
the insiders it is clear that being kinky has nothing to do with the above
stated qualifiers, even when indeed some bottoms can be displaying them in
abundance. Likely not just a few Tops think that such behaviour does suit them
fine too; which it – unsurprisingly - most of the times actually does. All provided
that such behaviour is part of our play by our choosing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yet, like
most Masters, Sir Cameron realizes that bottoms who suffer under who they are
and what they do, can be problematic as a play partner, or in a sub or slave
relationship; in a way one might even say that they represent impaired bottoms,
who are not qualified for play. Whereas a healthy self respecting bottom with knowledge
and understanding about their inner urges, fantasies and limits is way more preferable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As such, ‘normal’
bottoms are able to support their Tops by responding with constructive
feedback, care and gratefulness. This may not be the type of bottoms, subs or masochists
that we perhaps meet in (pornographic) literature or in - porn movie inspired -
public awareness. That clearly cannot be accurate, as such roles and images are
meant to stimulate our fantasy and not as exemplary for a real life situation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Does BDSM empower bottoms?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Instead of
empty stereotyped perversions of what we supposedly do, we in our BDSM praxis
are looking for real, sane and sensible people. Persons that show an amazing
assertiveness, a positive self image and a very good idea of what amount of
nastiness they prefer in life. These points denote for individual qualities
that can be regarded as excellent conditions for playing with them as bottom, sub
or slave – you name it -. And this is precisely so, because we all realize that
– structurally seen – effective BDSM thrives on our co-dependency. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Moreover, issues
like self esteem, assertiveness or modesty rather seems to be a general issue
of ones personality than that it would be something that can, or should be,
related to being kinky. Nonetheless, I will argue that this last position - of bottoms
being knowledgeable, self-confident and communicative - is paradoxically enough
quite often the <i>result</i> of being
kinky, instead of the reason for being involved in BDSM. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Why is that?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The first
reason perhaps, is that our kinky urges force us to go beyond our normal scope
of experience and invites us to look inside of our selves to find out if we are
okay. Okay with what we do and okay with who we are in our particular
role(play) and okay with others possibly knowing about it. Being a kink in the
real world is not the same as just being one in our imagination.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Outing as a
kinky person, goes hand in hand with the awareness that BDSM by the majority of
our fellow citizens is still perceived as something wrong, sinful or sick – at
least not a genuinely normal thing. Therefore, standing to your own sexual
identity and perversions in principle asks for a thorough consideration of our
position with regard to our own sanity. By reflecting on who we are - what we
need in order to feel complete and how it is safe and sound to be ourselves in
this way - we learn and discover how life works for us. In the process of
exploring our fantasy, urges and sexuality, we get to know ourselves better and
get the information that we require in order to be able to meet our needs in
joint forces with our peers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">‘Peers’ you
ask? Yes, peers indeed. In BDSM inequality is – relatively often - a mere conditional
part of the play. In order to let giving off power in an exchange process
function properly, the bottom first needs to have this power. And they need it knowingly
and at their command; as also the use of safewords – and the acknowledging of
this power-cut-off by following up on its meaning – does show.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A second
reason why many bottoms are in fact so powerful, stable and open minded, can be
found by seeing through questionable contradictions. In principle being shy and
self-conscious are not necessarily opposites. It is understandable that one
mistakes a role in a play for being representative for how those persons are
outside the scene: this will certainly apply in many cases, but does it necessarily
have to?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Motivations<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">We all know
the switching type, or the sexually submissive, that can be really bossy in hir
job, or towards the children. We explore such sides of ourselves and overly
faked roles alike, whatever is on our agenda. We are the players, remember? We
direct, fuel and spice this living out of our fantasies and wishes. And as
such, the opposite of shy, viz. being brisk, may well be a driving force behind
our play, or not. It does not really mater. Yet, without planned route you have
no idea if you fly in the right direction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Accordingly,
the opposite of self-confidence is when you are not conscious of what it does require
for you to be – essentially - your self. This implies that you do not realize
to what extend your needs, your feelings, your deep desires; your strengths and
particularly your weaknesses influence your current behaviour. In order to get
kink working in your life, to be aware of your own psyche, your urges and your
limits is absolutely crucial. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">By knowing
yourself and by holding yourself and your play partner(s) in high esteem, you display
that you know why you are doing what it is what you do. You can reflect on the why’s
and the how’s of events that heavily impact your emotions. The resulting awareness
gives you a valuable tool to improve working on your defences, your limits and
their transgression.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Please, do
not give a damn about what others say is the ‘real’ thing! Neither ’50 Shades
of Grey’, nor ‘O’ or your local slaveholders council defines what is ‘real’ or
‘true’ BDSM. Real is who you are and what you are doing. And when you are doing
it the way you need it, good for you! Stay true to yourself and grow. However,
this does not mean that you cannot learn a tremendous lot from the experience
of others, both by talking or by playing with ‘seniors’ in the field.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">And for
sure, the awareness of knowing each others needs - and what you can give and
share with each other - forms an essential part of any relationship, not only
in kink. Romance also only works when you play it by the rules. Yet, in kink it
is perhaps even more important to abide by the rules, as a wrong motivation or
poor understanding of the others needs, can end up in a mess. Therefore, the
ideal case is when two self-conscious meet (regardless of whether their coming
together was hesitant or clashing).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">bottoms and ‘their’ poses<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Good
bottoms are immensely sexy to Tops. Some Tops ‘suffer’ heavily because they easily
fall in love (yes we can!) with those adorable, small, helpless, fragile,
anxious bottoms, who - once they are conquered - start clinging to and feeding
on the Tops strength and - if we don’t control them - squeeze the Top out like
a lemon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Occasionally,
we might be inclined to accept such behaviour, but in general love or lust should
not compensate for structural deficiencies. On the contrary: the BDSM version
of love is the mutual blowing up of barricades in order to be able to transcend
seemingly unattainable limits. This takes courage, but it's the best chance to
enjoy a lifetime of love, happiness and hot steamy passion!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Some poses
a bottom takes, like uncertainty, shyness of even submission itself, are just functional
poses. We can and certainly may identity with such enthralling poses when
engaged in play or outside - but to principally carry this beyond their functionality
is a matter of personal flavour. It is perfectly normal for both Top and bottom
to return to a non-role state after play, where we have a fairly normal
attitude towards each other. Sir Cameron is utterly annoyed by delusions
regarding Sadists being horrible nasty and hideously vicious for 24/7 – as if
we Sadists, Tops and Dominants are not entitled to be gentle to other beings.
Woe on them who do not believe this! Sophia, heat up the branding irons! – oops
what did I say?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Now, to re-assure
those neatly bottoms who are shy, uncertain and soft and weak by nature, I can
only stress; do not worry; we still need and cherish you – even when you have
to suffer for it! Whatever; just take care that you find persons that respect
you for who you are and not only for what you might have to offer. Find
partners in Mastery who do not exploit you against your actual needs. A healthy
Top does not need that anyway. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">On the
other hand, if you have a personality problem, and even when a Topping person
can be a great help to you, BDSM is no alternative for therapy. If you, as a
person, need to heal and solve personal problems, find a therapist and work on
these issues with a professional. Despite that kinky play can be outright
beneficial to finding out how you are wired; your partner(s) will likely be
looking for a partner, not for a patient (except when playing ‘Doctor Dark’ or ‘nurse
needy’ … )<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">At the
other side, honored ‘Topsies’ and dear ‘bottomses’; feel free to be open about
all your needs; when you cannot communicate your thing, your hard limits or
your hottest fantasy to your partner(s), why are you playing at all? What are
you trying to prove? Do not be afraid to loose your charm by being assertive;
in the Dominion of Lord Cameron, we have made the experience that none of us
kinky folk is a one trick pony and even that - allegedly - passed stations are
great fun to return to, then our rituals have layers of meaning and it takes
time and practise to get to know them all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">BDSM Ritual play<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Ritualism
as such is without any doubt a functional trait; when arranging a scene, we use
the rite to our advantage, so we get a reward out of it. Consequently, whatever
rituals, roles or posses we choose to explore in our play, let them be clear; the
reward will only be higher. And even when it should not be our goal to fly from
the one height to the other, being ‘on air’ for sure is a good feeling. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Rituals can
help us in this regard; rituals are the key and the tools to prepare a space of
secrecy where we can be whoever we wish to be, even if it is only for once. We
resemble one another in what we see together, in what we suffer and enjoy together.
Fantasies change from individual to individual, but the reality of the ritual is
common to us all. Striving towards realism is therefore legitimate in BDSM play,
for it is basically related to laying the substrate for the imaginative expression
that we bring about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In our
ritual play we resonate on such sources as the self and the cultural stance on
self-indulgence. BDSM rituals thus help us to form and liberate our sexuality
in a save and controlled way that does justice to our humanity in an appealing ceremony.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Enjoy! –
Sir Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-34286417840987528172013-09-25T13:55:00.002+02:002013-09-25T13:55:16.963+02:00BDSM – Outing, rationality and pain (A)<div class="MsoNormal">
(A) The first argument</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">I
feel hurt sometimes. It is not really your business why this is so, but it is –
for the sake of this blog sufficient to know that it is; and when you are as
human as I am, it will be a very recognizable emotion, one we are all familiar
with and which we try to avoid if possible.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">But to
be in pain and or feeling hurt also has another side; a functional one: it is
the simple result of the biological function of feeling pain and the psychological
realization that you actually are hurt. As with emotion in general, feeling
hurt and being in pain shows us that we are not comfortable with something,
that something is bothering us, threatening us or even that we may get injured
more.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">The
classical reaction on pain and on being hurt is to move away from its cause.
Get away, lick our wounds and find a sheltered place to recover. In today’s
blog, we will show how humane BDSM can be, how challenging and how fulfilling
to our emotions and self-perception.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-US">Outing
and the sins of our fathers<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">There is a lot of fuzz about outing; some
of it is understandable, some is – what we ironically can call – the sins of
our fathers. To continue with the latter; what do we mean by that; ‘the sins of
the fathers’? Literally, it stands for falling in the same mistakes as our
fathers did; and with regard to outing, this does denote for the need to push
away, distance or rejection. I will call this ‘refusal to freedom’.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Not every one needs an outing, some of us
live naturally as they are from the outset; I know a few who did. Others – like
Sir Cameron - grew up under repressive convictions or social conventions.
Outing yourself – particularly then - is in a way also an affirming act of setting
yourself apart from the ‘others’; born from the desire to be who you are and
from standing up for your self and your right to be as you are. When driven by
the need to be yourself, finally being able to do so, can be very liberating.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Once liberated we are inclined to look for
conflicts with that what we left: we on purpose reject our former values, show
very flamboyant behaviour in order to put it into the faced of our – more often
than not – innocent bystanders, partners, friends, relatives and fellow
citizens. “<i>Look how conservative, narrow
minded you are! I know better now, I have out grown my past, I am free.</i>”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">And - truth be told - often you simply are
free. However, the clue lies in understanding from what you are free. Free from
following the will, ideals and behavioral pressure that others try to impose on
you. As such, revolting against the establishment is also confirming you in
your role and here we find one first clue: is it not particular, that in order
to be who you are, you need those who reject you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This is not about the question if this is
good or wrong, but rather about the mechanism, then also many pious persons
need a rotten sinner, to be able to accept that they are – thank to God – not such
a sinner as the other sinners. Atheists like Christopher Hitchens or Richard
Dawkins see this form of projecting evil as an evolutionary method to gain self
acceptance and dealing with our own deeds and desires. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">For many monotheists the Devil is the
incarnation of human sin and evil; he – not we – are responsible. By blaming
the Devil, others, the system, the Government, it is they who are ‘bad’, ‘sick’,
‘wicked’ and not just us. Okay we may not be perfect, but overall we are
acceptable.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Sir Cameron thinks that good and evil is in
all of us. Being such or so sexually does not make us better or worse, but
rather our deeds, the way we express our humanity. So, if we push ourselves
away from conservatives; is that because we wish to make clear that our
position in its own right or only because we need a scapegoat just as the
others.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Being free from the sins of your fathers means
being free from sin, not from your fathers. Accepting and embracing your fellow
human beings is not easy; particularly not when you are the one that is being
labeled: nevertheless, we might still do well to argue with those who disagree
with our lifestyle. Clearing false concepts, showing how it works, advocating
rationality; it is a good thing to be proud of who you are. Yet a zealous
attitude against what we perceive as delusional convictions, should be well
considered; attacking the system, methods and results of the establishment by
showing their abusive nature, their ignorance towards scientific evidence and
their repressive self regulatory character is good, when also their (mental)
state of non-freedom – which they obviously do not grasp – is at stake.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Conclusions</span></i><span lang="EN-US">: as in puberty, pushing against your origins is a way of finding
and defining yourself. As such it is a natural and perhaps necessary reaction. Just
as growing up and growing over your past. If we treat other with the love and
respect – like we wish to be treated ourselves - we are true to who we are. We
may and should argue and defend ourselves, as long as we do not fall into the
same sins for which we pity the others. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Be free and keep healthy – Sir Cameron</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">(to be continued …)</span>theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-65752974058750909462013-07-26T14:25:00.000+02:002013-07-27T11:44:48.026+02:00BDSM and the pain of knowledge<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">“BDSM and the pain of knowledge” is part of the
series on BDSM and psychology</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">It is quite common to meet open minded, kind
and non-partisan people that are nevertheless displaying difficulties with
understanding the notion of pain in the BDSM context. Of course also ‘proper
Charlies’ cannot grasp the pain part of SM, but for them we can make a generous
exemption, as after all, in general they tend to cling to delusive conceptions.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Yet, strange enough even most inside the scene
do not pay much attention to understanding pain – and who can while busy
processing it - and it is not to be excluded that the underlying attitude
towards pain is very different for each of the persons involved in the praxis of
administering or receiving pain within the consensual, safe and sound BDSM
umbrella.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">So what – excruciatingly phrased - is pain for
us?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Is BDSM about pain?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I have to
say that I sympathize with the question, but in my opinion the answer is an
easy and plain no. BDSM is such broad a topic that redefining it around one
issue is injust; most of the kinky folk are not into pain at all. Good for
them! Yet, I am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The reason
this question about BDSM and pain comes up so often is that of the propaganda against
sadism in the media; images from movies, descriptions in the paper and vivid
fantasies in sometimes very much beside the point books and stories.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The
propaganda is repeating history’s judgmental phrases; BDSM is sick, pervert,
abnormal and at the best – by an aloof tolerance against the ‘disturbed’ –
granted as a mental disorder; likely caused by incest, abuse and rape or
otherwise horrific childhood experiences. (For this reason Sir Cameron never
tells if he yes, or no, played with dolls as a kid – for your information; as a
grown up I play with real ‘dolls’ …)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">So, yes,
with manufactured prejudgements like the above stated, it is rather easy to
understand people’s reservation and puzzlement once meeting with a ‘real’
sadist or a real ‘slave’. And sometimes they cannot belief it, as we appear to be such ‘normal’, ‘sociable’ and ‘both feet planted firmly o</span>n the ground’ kind of person; so how on
earth could the people have been so deceived? Are we such smart deviant bastards,
blending them with our inhuman, frightening and merciless intelligence? (That’s
why we love Dracula!)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Well, I
will not argue against biases. I think sadists often have such sides, but it is
only one aspect; sadist can be gentle, loving and caring just as easily. Yet, it
is up to anyone what they want to belief: evidence or delusion, experience or
theory, their guts or their fears. Whatever …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">But of course people are entitled to get an honest answer - at least from those of us who
belief BDSM to be a rationally acceptable and ethical thing. So, how does such an answer look like?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Proverbs
23:26 states: ‘My son, give me your heart’. And even when sensible people do
not personally comprehend our thing with kink from the inside, they are at
least sympathetic to argumentation, facts and honesty. By showing our heart,
our being, we – also speaking for colleague sadists – we show that we at least
can bear ourselves. It is by being open and vulnerable to rejection that we can
win the battle against ignorance, prejudges and unwarranted fears, as when we show
strength, ethics and care, it is a message that stands contrary to the usual misleading propaganda against kink and its followers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Sleep in heavenly peace<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Loosing
your heart is a concept that we all get, particularly because we are all
looking for precisely that; to be madly in love, losing yourself and float in
heavenly bliss. At least, this is what we dream about and even a partial
manifestation in our real life gives us a boost in energy, happiness and
confidence; “wow, somebody loves me …”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The need
for love, affection and comfort is deeply human; we all aspire after it and we all
hate to live without it. For those who have not gotten it by now; this
state of mind, this feeling grounded, secure, cared for and loved is what some
kinks feel when dealing with sensory pain or – as a mental variant –
humiliation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">So, just
take my word on it and accept that there exist people that do play with pain
because it makes them feel (jolly) good. The resistance against this concept is
not to be found in the experience of those persons who enjoy this side of BDSM, but
rather in the internal emotional conflict that their ‘utterly strange’ behaviour
causes in the non-kink observer; emotions of bewilderment, fear and even disgust as a
result of actions that often go against anything we have learned about
responsible adult romantic love-making.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For the
record, Sir Cameron does not hold hirself responsible for the emotions you or any
other people have; it is perfectly okay for hir that you all deal with your own
emotions; they are completely yours, your responsibility, yours to justify and
understand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This said,
I also want to add that this blog is here for you too; so you may learn,
understand and feel being taken seriously. I care, not only for my own sake,
but also for your sake; being faced with difficult emotions is a thing on which
we can use support and advice each other. The reason is obvious, as such emotions can not
only be difficult; they often are so hard because they cause internal conflict. The nature of
this conflict is such that many of us experience attraction and repulsion, as
if we have an internal battle between what we – simplifying – call lower and
higher urges.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Painful urges<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As social
beings, we all are familiar with these urges. Many people think it is easy to be
a sadist. Well, take a cane and try it out on someone you like. It is not easy
and many cannot hurt others – unless they are selfish, drunk or refuse to take
treatment or medication. Being on the receiving end of BDSM-pain – as the
masochist - is not that easy either. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“Hi mom, hi dad, can I tell
you something”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“Of course, my dear …” mom
replies, her face smiling as always.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">That is too hard, and you turn to your father, swallow and say, soft but clear:</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">“Dad, I love to have my
friend put a baseball club in my butt/ass, spank my breasts/tits until I cry and calls me a sick bimbo/slut.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">“YOU WHAT !!!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Calibri; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Got the
point? We – kinks - must live with ourselves, deal with our own sexuality and
manage our own emotions, but it is not always easy, take my word on that. And
no, hating us does not make it feel any better. And I think I do not need to
point out that similar emotional turmoil not only goes for persons involved
with sadomasochism, but also for fetishists and those in sexuality and gender
identity-based cultures.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">The other side of love<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The
sensitive reader will likely understand from my argument, that being a
different person in a sexual way is not always without pain; we love our
families, our villages and colleagues and we neither like nor deserve
rejection, misunderstandings or hate. This is the kind of pain inflicted on us
by those who do not grasp that individual lives are differing by their very
nature. This is a pain that is more troublesome for many of us than the belt,
whip or the cane. But there is more …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">One of the
most bitter experiences I had to make when I took my first submissive, was that
those things that I thought only to exist in my fantasy appeared to be real;
after all, the thing I longed for was available and from that moment on I
realized that I have been hurting myself in my previous relationships by not
getting what I needed to feel happy and complete. Instead I opted to abide by
more ‘socially correct’ concepts. And actually, it was not even an SM thing at
all, but simply the attention, the devotion and the almost magical intimacy
between me and my devotee: a pouring out yourself in the sweetness of the
other; feeling embraced, welcomed and admired. Perhaps it is a unity or a
merger of the souls that form a sacred field of energy in which both thrive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sex is
uniting, but not in itself, but as expression of a uniting process. When we
feel attracted to someone that is not us, we are not thinking about an ass or
nipples – okay, sometimes we do – but about ‘being with that other’ or knowing
them – in the biblical sense. Being inside the other, or them in you, is a
‘penetration’/acceptance of the other, the non-self. By embracing the non-self,
we dissolve somewhat, but we also get larger. Two, in a way, become one. Freedom
in sex is only possible when someone is free itself, free to accept how one is,
and free to meet the other as the other is; free to be curious about the
fireworks we together can ignite. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">The other side of pain<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">By the way,
with the above stated we found a good example to clarify another aspect of pain
play; we touch. More precisely we touch skin. We caress it, we make it glow,
burn even. Sometimes we make welts, or cut or pierce and get ‘under the skin’.
By sensing your largest organ in more detail, you have a new experience of
yourself, your border and your size. In a way, when I spank my bottom, I am
defining hir and by setting limits to my bottom, ze is subject to my
definition, my creation. We spank, wrap in tape, tie in ropes, put in cages;
all confinement. We open, lay bare, expose, share, force, display, show,
demonstrate; all revealing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It is
therefore that I – that Sir Cameron in his Dominion metaphysics – regard BDSM
as a way of self-discovery, a method by which we learn, accept and improve
ourselves. For the majority of humanity, humiliation is not sexy, love is
combined with tenderness and pain is a turn-off. For those who are into pain,
it often is painful in a figurative sense too, as by enjoying 'abnormal' feelings, you always have that little voice speaking inside your head that you
are actually are abnormal, or a pervert.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Therefore
being with a person that you trust, so you can let go, let yourself fall in the
certainty (belief!) that you are being catched and loved and – in case you feel
hurt or are in pain – being cared for and hold tight. The idea of freedom in
the sense that we do not need other people is erroneous; we are ‘social
animals’ and once you have seen a group sex scene evolve you realize being
social and friendly is not per se a non-sexual thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For those
who expected a lecture about hormones, altered body chemistry, mind-fucking or
role play; yes, there is much more to be said and to explain, but technical
details on how a pain-trance shows resemblance to drug-induced states, why pain
does feel like pain, but we still want to continue (remember child birth, which
is extremely painful, but the desire for the baby is the real issue); all true and
interesting, but the humanity of what it is that we do - in a sensible way, as
consenting adults - is more important than the ‘technical’ side. This makes it
too simplified and mechanical, like a trip, or a ‘strange’ game. We are more
than playing; we are being ourselves; real people being true.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">You are
entitled to your own convictions, but consider them well and follow your heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Be gentle,
true and good for yourself – Sir Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-87894214370415768772013-07-23T11:33:00.000+02:002013-07-23T11:56:09.014+02:00BDSM and Evolution<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">“BDSM and Evolution” is part of the series on
BDSM and philosophy</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Imagine two chimps playing a BDSM scene; vines
all around, plenty of shrieking and no intimate shaving of course. Yucky, where
did that banana go? And did that chimp just pull that female from the tree and
had uncontrolled and unashamed public monkey sex?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Fun aside … this is no recommendation for a
special ‘Planet of the Apes’ edition, nor a plea for bestiality. Rather in this
blog entry on BDSM and evolution we shall – partly - look at what evolution
theory has to say with regard to sexuality and in particular the kinky versions
of it that we all like so much. As there are no textbooks here, it’s a jungle
to discover. Follow me into the wild ...<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Is BDSM offering evolutionary benefits?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yes, a
challenging question indeed and I honestly admit that it took me a while to
come up with this one. On top of that, answering it will take some time - as an
explanation will be notoriously difficult. Perhaps you better think about it
for yourself first and see where your conclusions lead you. It will be
interesting to watch how you will answer the question and how others will. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In the previous
blog we have seen that inside of the leather scene we meet with people that carry
around very different kinds of worldview. Their answers may vary from
religiously coloured gloom to strict Darwinian atheism and everything in
between; together reflecting the multi-faceted richness of diversity that is to
be found in our sub-culture and which we see mirrored in our collective behaviour
and attitudes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In the previous
post, I deliberately withheld from judging these mentioned worldviews, all may
it be obvious that <i>The Clothed Lie</i>
does not advocate any of the sex-negative versions. Nevertheless, whatever
stance you might take on BDSM, the underlying principles of your worldview will
have a profound effect on how you regard it; this not only concerns how you
rationally understand BDSM, but particularly on how you emotionally experience BDSM
activities. As it seems, worldviews are not mere conceptual regulations, but
also denote for many of our actual limits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">The original man<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As any
theory about evolutionary beliefs in some way or another has to deal with
religious beliefs, the view on science and the effects thereof on our
worldview, it will be good to consider that when trying to answer our question,
it is not a matter of proof for one theory or the other, but rather about
finding a comprehensible explanation for facts, sexual behaviour and natural
reproduction in our history.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Imagine
that it is only about 5000 years ago that humanity – in <st1:country-region w:st="on">Sumer</st1:country-region>, <st1:country-region w:st="on">Egypt</st1:country-region>
and <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">China</st1:place></st1:country-region>
- started to write down history or that what they believed in to be history.
Coming from a culture of story telling, it was of course known that every one
told the same story in its own individual way and even when people were trained
in memorizing what they had learned, the traditions that early writings refer
to may or may not be accurate; but it is all we have. In such cases it of
course comes in handy if you have a deity at hand to back up your side of the
story. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Anyway,
what can we expect from ancient writings with regard to people whose sexual
orientation is not mainstream? Particularly when we take into account that such
persons could easily have been exposed to risks to their physical, emotional, economical
and social health, mainly because of (religious) stigmatization.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Precisely
from such condemning, we find evidence that alternate sexuality seemed to have
been a part of human sexual behaviour for a long period of time now. Self-awareness
of sexual orientation commonly occurs during adolescence. This is not a
position in which one has the guts to swim against the stream and it is
therefore likely that the whole practise of alternate sexuality like fetish,
BDSM or LGBTQ occurred underground, as our sexual urges always seeks a way to
get manifested or converted. In view of that, experts claim that according to
available documents, alternative sexuality has always been part of human
culture<sup>1</sup> and is not a mental disorder, but a genuine expression of
sexual need.<sup>2,3</sup><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this
beside – let’s get back to the original question regarding evolutionary
benefits; even when sexual alternative behaviour has been part of humanity for
as long as we can trace it; why is it like that?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sexual
orientation probably is not determined by any one factor but by a combination
of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences. It is unlikely to find an
answer on the why question, as we shall hardly find a common ground on what
explanation is true, and to avoid philosophical and theological arguments regarding
the why, we simply accept that obviously alternative sexual activity is a part
of human behaviour, a component of our cultural development and perhaps even of
our gene-pool – irrespective of how we personally - or as a group - value such
behaviour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Power exchange<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Perhaps we take
a few steps together to see if we can discover traces of ‘natural behaviour’ in
our kink. One typical BDSM characteristic – and the one that is often mentioned
in literature - is the so called ‘power exchange’, in which two or more people
accept to change the power dynamics that are inherent to their relation. The
top ‘gains’ (functional) power, the bottom ‘looses’ (e.g. refrains from) power,
but all by an act of choice. Particularly this choice sets it apart from normal
power struggles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">And at
least following the lead of someone else – or being followed - seems a natural
thing to happen, in a way it almost represents a natural order; following the
strong protector, leading the less knowledgeable, so no harm comes to them.
Exchange of power comes with benefits within a genetic group, even when the
survival of the fittest often shows real brutality between rivals for the same
resources.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">From this
point of view we might not see the behaviour of groups as representative for
humanity as a whole or even all of nature, despite having overlaps.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Many Lovers<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In nature
polyamory relationships seem to be a very common thing (with the monoga-mouse
being the notorious exception); the alpha male and -female lead the pack
animals and the alpha male does all the ‘pleasant work’ like mating all his mates
and consuming the prey. Consequently, in order to be able to mate with any female
at all, younger males must stand up to the alphas and (figuratively) risk their
ass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Luckily
humanity has evolved for the most of it – however, dumb animals still rape
women in busses (India) or on public squares (Egypt), while celebrating their
‘freedoms’ or ‘superiority’. <i>Homo Homini
Lupis</i>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Natural domination?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Funnily
enough, some social Darwinists regard the ‘survival of the strongest’ as the
most significant trait of evolvement. Such theories appear to justify what we
in the BDSM scene reject as non-consensual actions. This side or interpretation
of Darwinism is particularly emphasised by religious opponents as it seems to
promote the primitive ‘animal’ inside of us. Sexual promiscuity is then seen as
non-natural and idolatrous, egoistically directed at oneself, derived from
love. The sophisticated view is then of course that vision that is founded on
religious belief and not primarily on scientific evidence which we find in
evolutionary biology.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Fact is
however that - just as biological development - ethical development is typical
for our species as well. The protection of the weak in our kin is natural
behaviour in order to protect the preciously selected gene-pool. More and more
the non-physical, mental properties are displaying dominance. This seems to
correlate with our increasing intelligence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Nonetheless,
one could argue, that at least on a subconscious level, the need to dominate or
being submitted can reflect the wish to mate. In order to distinguish between
plain sex and BDSM we should acknowledge that hard, raw or even violent sex can
indeed express the primal need for reproduction, yet, the jungle of mating
rituals makes clear that natural selection is not the same as sexual selection.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The choice
of whom we mate with, make love to, have sex with is based on criteria that
help us select the sexually most attractive person. The longer we live, the
less prominent the need for simple reproduction will be and – in case of human
sexuality – the more prominent will the rituals get; as females have more
parental investment, they factually make the choice while males compete more
intensely for access to women. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For vanilla
relations I regard the ritual of romantic courtship by the (dominant?) male as
the attempt to convince the (submissive?) female that he is the best choice for
her. BDSM is of course also very ritualistic, but the courting part is reduced
to negotiation of already available wishes. Often power exchange is the only
goal, not reproduction, even when a good scene can make us really hot and a sexual
encounter becomes the natural next step.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As such,
BDSM is part of our sexual road map on which matters of sexual selection may
play a role, but where its role play, rituals and praxis are not necessarily in
line with (romantic) courtship, but rather express functionality that is higher
as the mere biological exchange of genes. And - as we are on the explanatory
line anyway - let’s just assume for a while that BDSM is an expression of
mating behaviour; what does this mean? It seems to suggest that dominant females/submissive
males reflect the natural power of females in choosing mates; where as the
aggressive male topping rituals seem to reflect the wish to take the females
away from the competition and to claim them for individual use.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It will not
be hard to understand that seeing domination in this light lets it also apply
to non-kink mating. It is the consensual play with power in a sexual context
that sets BDSM apart, the evolutionary impulses from our genes we all have in
common.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Sexual behaviour for what? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As indicated
above, natural selection is something else as sexual selection. There is
research indicating that sexual behaviour as such, was not necessarily a
development triggered by the need for reproduction.<sup>4,5</sup> In other
words; sex (as activity) did not evolve because of reproduction – as there are
many other ways to reproduce – but for the re-combining of our DNA. As with the
mating rituals, humanity seeks many forms of sexual activity that are not about
reproduction. E.g. love making in same-sex relations or masturbation as
sex-on-one, come to mind. Sexuality became associated with more socializing
goals, such as increasing the bond between partners or as genuine expression of
emotions of love and fondness or the need for intimacy. Very typical in this
way is postponing the orgasm in order to share a common one – or a few ones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Perhaps it
is also in this more social area of human sexual behaviour that the differences
between sex and gender evolved, as when reproduction is not the only driving
force behind sexuality, the actual sex does no longer play a primary role. In
this light it may also be striking that in many BDSM scenes, we remain from
sexual intercourse, as our goal is not to reproduce, but to enjoy other alternate
forms of sexually charged behaviour.<br />
<br />
With regard to role definition, body size and other characteristics, there
would be much more to say, but currently I see no specific indicator for their
relevance to our BDSM quest. The blog is getting too long anyway …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusion<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Well, as
with many topics we sometimes wish to write about or try out in our dungeon, we
run the risk of getting into area’s that are new. This is a normal and good
thing; as from the new we can learn and adapt. We can also err and perhaps in this
blog I actually did make proposals that will later on turn out to be misplaced;
well, that is the nature of exploration and I simply took the liberty to think
loud and share this with you. Not in order to give you all the answers - but
perhaps some – or to proof something, but to investigate a topic in order to
find out in what way evolutionary evolvement can be relevant to our kinky
disposition and our understanding thereof.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sir Cameron
thus hopes that this current blog will encourage you to do some google-ing
yourself and to give you something to think about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Enjoy – Sir
Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">__________<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Candara; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">1. <i>Friedman RC, <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Downey</st1:place></st1:city> JI. Homosexuality.
N Engl J Med. 1994; 33: 923– 930.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Candara; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">2. Rowlett JD, Patel D, <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Greydanus</st1:city> <st1:state w:st="on">DE</st1:state></st1:place>.
<i>Homosexuality</i>. In: <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Greydanus</st1:city> <st1:state w:st="on">DE</st1:state></st1:place>,
Wolraich ML, eds., Behavioral Pediatrics. <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">New
York</st1:city>, <st1:state w:st="on">NY</st1:state></st1:place>:
Springer-Verlag;1992:37–54.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Candara; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">3. Savin-Williams RC. <i>Theoretical perspectives accounting for adolescent homosexuality</i>. J
Adolesc Health Care.1988;9 :95– 104.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Candara; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">4. Gregory G. Dimijian. <i>Evolution of sexuality: biology and behaviour.</i> Proc (Bayl Univ Med
Cent). 2005 July; 18(3): 244–258.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Candara; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB;">5. Schuiling GA.
<i>On sexual behavior and sex-role reversal.</i>
J Psychosom Obstet Gynaecol. 2005 Sep;26(3):217-23.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-29115945661104364252013-07-11T22:52:00.002+02:002013-07-11T22:52:51.804+02:00BDSM and Worldview<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">“BDSM and Worldview” is part of the series on
BDSM and philosophy<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">How would it be to be free? When you would be
free to be whoever you wish to be, free to love whoever you like, free to have
sexual intimacy with the person(s) of your choice, without having to fear any
negative consequences, like being scorned, prosecuted or labelled a sinner – or
to get a transmittable sexual disease, to name something realistic.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Yet, what you perceive as freedom is
necessarily a concept that by its very nature is limited; by time, by laws, by
other opinions and by our own convictions about what is ethical behaviour and
what is not. In this blog entry on BDSM and worldview, we will look at how our
freedoms of choice, speech and expression are influenced by theoretical and
actual worldviews which we as kinky folk are confronted with.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">What has your worldview to do with BDSM?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">While
cruising you local leather scene, you will meet difference; all kind of normal
and kinky persons; younger and older folks, dominants and submissives and such
with varying gender identities. This all comes with the inherent diversity of
the BDSM subculture as a whole. But there are other differences too, which are
not visible on face value. It concerns the kind of differences that explain how
you stand in life and how you see BDSM function in your experience with others.
It is about how we view the world and that what we do: how we see and
understand ourselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">During our
cultural development from savage society toward the <i>high-culture</i> we now have in some parts of the world, humanity
seemed to show the tendency to reflect on ourselves, on who we are and what this
all means: the reason behind tragedy, the unjustness of being born like this or
that, the curse a sexual diversion can sometimes mean in an intolerant
environment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The most
common form of collective reflections we find in religions. And if we take
religion as an expression of culturally biased answers, we can and will find
reasonably acceptable opinions in it. Perhaps it will not be the most modern
views, but there is no reason to belief that only modern beliefs have their
merits. After all, humanity is old and tradition is not only about continuation
of things that do not work. Yet, once we start to see and interpret religious beliefs
as an eternal, universal and binding standard, we create a system that is – to
put it mildly – not in favour for BDSM or LGBTQ. And this list could easily be
continued with evolutionist scientists, feminists or followers or other
(allegedly false) religions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Religions
tend to attribute truth to views that modernity has proven to be wrong, over
and over again. But - however tragic on itself - diversity in belief systems
that underlie our thinking and acting is simply there, regardless if such
belief systems are more or less correct. It is not the truth of worldviews that
is the matter here, but rather how this affects our view on and experience of
BDSM.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">How does worldview work? <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">As seen above, I
understand one’s worldview to be a mixture of religious, philosophical and
scientific beliefs. Those beliefs are fundamental for the person having them;
one is obligated to those ideas and does not easily come to other convictions
unless for good reason. The reason for that is the way in which we connect a
worldview with our actions, our devotion to our beliefs and their connections
to justify our ethical behavior. It is therefore that in a previous blog, I
have been arguing for the rationality of BDSM, both in theory and praxis. To
this rationality also belongs, that we – in order to maintain a healthy
self-image – eventually integrate that what we do in our worldview.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span lang="EN-US">However, it must
be pointed out, that a worldview is not necessarily consistent. We of course
strife after a continuity and coherence in what we hold important, but already
the mere option of change requires a degree of variability. From this point of
view the magic of BDSM that many find in it, it’s lure and apparent
attractiveness is not to be understood without grasping it’s relation to our
worldview. The tension between what we deep inside wish to do and the awareness
of how this wish is dubious when seen from our worldview, is one of the
tensions that can really be challenging to those who stand in this conflict. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Nevertheless, </span><span lang="EN-GB">BDSM as a reasonable praxis of fun and queer
acts between consenting adults needs to be taken on its own merits. And for
this is it essential that we at least think about what we wish to do and
actually put in effect. Reflecting on our actions lifts BDSM up from mere
impulses and whims and sets the bearing of our voyage. This will be essential
for a well thought out leather praxis; which ultimately will require a well
considered framework to align our actions with our beliefs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Once you start
from a particular belief this inevitably includes the rejection of other
beliefs. Take e.g. the belief that there is something wrong with persons who
have BDSM urges. The step from something wrong towards sickness or sin is not
far. Any conclusions that are based upon beliefs that are merely attributed to
BDSM without actually doing justice to its reality will only create neurotic
tension. Like with opposition against science or other competing beliefs, most
objections against BDSM are not predominantly rooted in evidence, but rather religiously
or culturally biased.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As we live
in a world and are part of a cultural heritage, we have no other option than to
start with what is available, including our own upbringing and traditions. The
good thing about worldview however, is that you can adapt it, so your beliefs
will feel comfortable again. In how far the prevailing worldview does affect
the BDSM component in your life is insomuch personal that generalisation likely
will not grasp it. Nevertheless, the interaction between worldview and its
continuous process of change can itself be viewed from two distinct positions;
the external and the internal. We will start with the former.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">How do worldviews affect BDSM from the outside?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A worldview
is a set of personal and basic beliefs. It has to do with a mixed set of
opinions with regard to who we are, where we come from and where the meaning of
this all can be found. As such your worldview contains elements from tradition,
religion, science and your own experience. We tend to form sub-cultures with
other people that, for the most of it, share similar views and beliefs. With
BDSM this is not different. We look for persons that wish to do what we wish to
do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The
dominant worldviews in our culture will always be a mixture. Depending on
class, education and your own disposition, one or more particular elements will
be leading your views, where a rational scientific approached or a religious
truth motivated view will be the two most common motivators. And both views can
and will be used to either reject or support BDSM tendencies and praxis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The mainly scientific
approach is likely one that regards itself as being through with religion.
Human rights and freedom of expression as well as evidence are important
notions. BDSM can be either seen as free sexual expression, or as a remnant of
dormant primitive ideas, or even both. Currently scientific research into BDSM
is still scarcely done, yet as a consensual praxis it is gaining more and more
acceptance by psychologists and sexologists. The continuing row of changes of
BDSM as mental disorder in the consecutive Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders versions is only an expression of that (positive) development.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The mainly religious
approach to your worldview also has two sides. In Dominion metaphysics, Sir
Cameron defines religion as the innate impulse of the human selfhood to direct
itself towards the true or pretended true origin. This focus on origin answers
the question who we are and where we have to look for guidance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Theists of
course differ on many issues in this regard, but generally it is seen that
religious traditions have at least an ancient core. Many theists regard one particular
tradition as the (absolute) true tradition and the others as missing the ultimate
point - despite perhaps containing some ‘moments of truth’. Others regard all
religions as narratives that show how in the past creeds and beliefs were
expressed, but not as an accurate historical description in itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Some
theists that follow a modern stance – which may include belief in evolution
theory - might perhaps show the usual reluctance towards BDSM, but may not be
forced by their doctrine to condemn all sexuality that does not fit into an
ancient framework of sex-negativity. Others - like conservatives or
fundamentalist theists - will likely regard BDSM as wrong, misguided, perverted
or straight out evil.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It needs no
further argument, that when you as a kinky person meet someone with a
sex-negative or otherwise repressive worldview you can be severely hindered in
being as you are. Irrespective of how you choose to life out your urges, hidden
or in the open, meeting others and possibly face rejection, disgust or even
hostility is never nice. Therefore, the battle for sexual freedom starts with a
proper view on reality. In this blog we will continue to shed light on our
otherwise secretly dark reality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">How do worldviews affect BDSM from the inside?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Following
the just mentioned clash of contrasting worldviews with regard to BDSM, it is
by no means so that inside the BDSM subculture the co-existing worldviews are
necessarily closer to each other; all is it sensible to expect more overlap
amongst them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">An example
will make this clear. For a good spanking scene it will apparently make not much
difference if the bottom is a rationalist evolutionary biologist or a romantic Anglican
Church choir boy. Apparently, as our experience is so very personal sometimes,
that we in order to be able to express what it means to us, we need to make certain
that we speak the same language.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Of course,
this is required for all effective communication, not only with regard to kink.
Yet, particularly with such activities that in essence require a (previous)
exchange of consent, wished and limits, being understood in the proper sense is
paramount.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">And than we
have our internal convictions about what we do; even when I do not suppose that
many of us get involved in BDSM play without actually wishing to do so, it
nevertheless is to be expected that we will reflect on our motivations and
actions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">We need to
find out about our need for BDSM because it is the explanation for our behaviour
and because it explains such a huge number of facts; because many things we believe
about sexuality is explained by it. Reading a few blogs on the internet is no
match for a lifelong of (religious) indoctrination, so the question we face is
how we do reconcile the practical truth that BDSM feels so good to us, with the
deeply held convictions that bind social and religious communities?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Again,
there are several options available. A very practical one is to simply notice
that you and your partner(s) like what you do and take this as a sufficient
justification. A more complex one is to convert parts of our practise into a
ritual context; we play with opposites in ourselves and in our culture; we do
the forbidden thing, we drown in the dark corners of our unconscious shadow, we
seek ecstasy that moves us away from the mundane and dualist context and lifts
us up into that place where we all unite in wholeness and soundness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The Clothed
Lie cannot tell you how you should feel about BDSM or what views best work for
you and the situation you are in. It is your privilege and task to find that
out for your self. Whether you see yourself as the fifth ape and your actions
as genetically programmed, whether you see yourself in the image of a Deity of
your choice and your actions as lovely wicked or prefer to see BDSM as
spiritual praxis that by means of rites tries to understand and express
yourself; all views have their own merits and come with their own set of
questions. It is up to you to decide what suits you best.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Obviously,
what we belief about our sexual and BDSM praxis is affected by our upbringing,
but that does not mean that we cannot or should not change our minds on certain
topics. We all earn the respect from others to let us examine alternatives and
re-evaluate our beliefs in freedom of choice. There is no reason to be afraid
to spell out the delivering truth derived from your own experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">But be
aware that irrationality is woven in the fabric of modern life, attempting to
draw us back the petty fog of our superstitious past where we were hiding
behind the trees of sex-negative delusion, there seems to be – after all - a tree
of knowledge and a tree of life. Consider your choices with rationale and act
on them in wisdom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As always,
I wish you good luck on your journeys, in- and outside of the dungeon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Enjoy – Sir
Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-81557081309651322722013-07-05T14:20:00.001+02:002013-07-05T14:20:44.480+02:00On Earth, as it is in Heaven? – BDSM in perspective<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">“On Earth, as it is in Heaven?” is part of the
series on BDSM and religion<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">The question mark in the title is already
indicating that expectations may not be as easy to be fulfilled as we perhaps
hope for. BDSM fantasy requires work and the right perspective.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">In this blog we look into the reality and
imperfection of BDSM. It is perhaps not what some of us expect BDSM to be, but
as any human activity it is only as good as those who participate in the game.
The right mindset is the first step on the path to bliss.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">(Note: <i>This blog entry will be a tad demanding, not
only regarding my use of ‘sacred texts’, but also intellectually.<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn1" name="_ednref1" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><b><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[i]</span></b></span><!--[endif]--></span></a>
It is never a shame not to know or understand something. And this blog is for
you to learn, but it is not a test. Take from it what you need.</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Heaven on earth?</span></b><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The ‘<i>Kingdom of the Lord</i>’ is to come. That is
what we learn in Sunday school; that is what the western Judeo-Christian religious
traditions tell us and that is what many of us believe: our reward lies in the
future.<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn2" name="_ednref2" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[ii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a>
But is this indubitably true? Can’t we have a tidy bit of ‘heaven’ before we
die? And - as we are in a kinky blog here - is it also true for us? Can we – ‘perverts’
– ever experience the bliss we hope for? Can’t we already just be in heaven for
a little while and forget the troubles that drag us down to earth?<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn3" name="_ednref3" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[iii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It depends;
the key will be the perspective that you use. If we take the ‘<i>Kingdom to come</i>’ literal; the greek verb
for ‘come’ can be translated as ‘let-her-be-coming’.<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn4" name="_ednref4" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[iv]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a>
This is not the place for an exegetical digression, so it suffices to say that
there is a notion of expectation and becoming to it. Ultimately it is made
clear elsewhere in the gospel, that the <i>Kingdom
of Heaven</i> is a virtual one, as where the rules are abided the spirit of the
Kingdom is present. This was meant and understood as here and now, not only
later …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For those
who are familiar with my ideas about the <i>Dominion
of Lord Cameron</i>, this idea will be known. For our current case, we can
pursue in this line and by allegory – an ancient way of interpreting religious
texts - accommodate it to our praxis: it will be a virtual, evolving, kingdom,
characterized by both inner commitment and outer behaviour, but the inner
attitude is most important, as it is a Kingdom of the Heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In this
sense, the well known phrase from the Lord’s Prayer - ‘<i>your will be done, on earth, as it is in heaven</i>’ - for sure has its
appeal to every Master. And even when this verse only appears in Matthew and
not in Luke’s gospel<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn5" name="_ednref5" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[v]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a>,
it is nevertheless clear, that as Masters, Tops or Dominants, we demand
attitudes and actions from our slaves, bottoms and subs that we easily recognize
as religious in nature; obedience, worship and awe. Which represent the clay with
which we build our kingdom, our little mirror.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">And because
we realize the deeper meaning, we fancy that we are really strict Lords,
benevolent Masters, obedient servants and revering slaves. And as such, we
naturally deserve the best Lords and the most devout subs. So we go out and
seek to find them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Giving is better as taking – but why does it
have to be so hard?</span></b><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Unlike the
most gifted pick-up artists the average kinky gospel is not an easy ‘<i>seek and ye shall find</i>’ but rather turns
out to be a series of trial and error. At the end you might have given much and
received little, perhaps not even enough to make it worth while. As discouraging
as this may sound, it is nevertheless true in many cases; you invest, give and
hope; in return you have some nice scenes, hot sex perhaps, but not even close
to what you have been looking for. What now?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Yet, as we
are all very different beings, all with different urges, sexual orientations,
different genders, strangely diverged sexual roadmaps, it will be hard to find
a key that will fit on all locks. But we will try, nevertheless. To this I have
three points:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">First, most
of us are still learning about themselves; we are ‘under construction’ and so
are your partners. To know what you really want and seek is your real
challenge, as often we are fooled by our own dreams too. Eventually, the proof
of the pudding is in the eating and don’t forget that while you develop, your own
taste may change too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Second, the
‘<i>seek and ye shall find</i>’ is not the
whole story. In fact the whole phrase is a bit larger: “<i>Ask, and it shall be given to you. Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and
it shall be opened to you</i>” (Matt. 7:7). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">So we find
that we should first ask in order to be given. Not only ask the Devine or
yourself for permission, but most prominently, ask your partner(s). Simply
asking for what you can mean for them, might be the first step. When you then
seek together, you will find. If and for how long that what you find is the
real thing, is up to you and your partner(s) to decide. But if you persistently
try, ask, seek, your determination will become like knocking on the door and
eventually it will open up to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Thirdly, BDSM
fantasy requires work and the right perspective. Above we have seen bit about
the part on working on yourself; your ideas, your ideals, your idols, as well
as the work involved in order to get a partner and then keep hir<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn6" name="_ednref6" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[vi]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a>
with you. I am sure many of you have been cruising the web or the local clubs
and bars to find someone to whom you would be attracted to and that wanted to
experience physical pleasure with you, so it would bring your energy level up a
higher scale, feeling good, desired and attractive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">But what about that perspective you ask?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Good one!
Yet, as you have been reading, we have seen quite a few perspectives; your
imagination, your real needs, your partner(s) wishes and your mutual efforts,
the motivations why you dream, fantasize, act and justify. Particularly this
last one is not to be underestimated, as justifications for what we do – either
good or bad things – is a powerful concept that is towering over us, like a
safeguard or watchman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As we are
in a continuous process to develop ourselves - by learning, doing, thinking,
seeing and sharing - we follow goals and ideas regarding the direction our
maturation takes. And then predominantly the idea that we might grow in the
wrong way or by the wrong means is scary. Particularly with non-kinky people,
you often are confronted with the idea that BDSM is limitless, uncontrollable
aggression, addictive in nature and will end up bad for all those involved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Well, this
is certainly not a perspective that is very helpful, as it is based on a fear
of an uncontrollable mixture of sex and violence, like the idea of the victims
of vampires that get enslaved to the love bite, because it gives them
devastating orgasms.<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn7" name="_ednref7" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[vii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Admittedly
there is this side to BDSM, but as an umbrella term BDSM is very wide, and only
a small part of it has to do with violence or pain. All of it however, has to
do with fun. But when it would be about fun only, does it not render us a bunch
of hedonists?<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn8" name="_ednref8" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[viii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Perhaps,
but for most kinky persons, BDSM or leather is much more as just fun; it is a
part of our sexual roadmap, a way of dealing with ourselves and others, a way
of self-exploration and perhaps even a spiritual goal in itself. And for those
who had not expected this, I will argue in the next paragraph what it means to
be in heaven.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Between Saturn and Neptune lies … heaven<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Beside
being called after Roman Gods - Saturn for Agriculture, Neptune for the Sea –
both planets are in the sky, or heaven. The planet between them is Uranus, the
only planet called after the Greek God of the Sky, Ouranos, which is also the
word (ouranois) that the New Testament uses for ‘heaven’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The idea
behind this connection between planets and religion is to be found in the
belief that the heavenly bodies and the stars have some form of significance
for our life. In a figurative sense humanity throughout history has turned its
eyes towards the heavens and expected blessings, aid and forgiveness from
‘above’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I take it
that this was not understood in a literal sense, but that the heavens
symbolically stood for our expectations, our hopes, our beliefs. To be in
heaven in this sense would not mean to be in a particular place, like a planet,
but rather applied to our attitude, a mind set or an experience. Shortly said,
heaven is a mental condition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">At the
beginning of the blog we have seen that the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placetype w:st="on">Kingdom</st1:placetype> of <st1:placename w:st="on">Heaven</st1:placename></st1:place>
has to be understood as a virtual Kingdom too, an inner condition that existed
in a group sharing the same beliefs and spirit. Similarly, I understand the
orgasm; it is that place everyone is happy; it is therefore a sacred and
blessed place that should be cherished; alone with your favourite fantasy, or
with others, joined in haunting embrace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This is the
perspective I favour for BDSM; as acts and actions that are aimed at enjoying
our blessings in a way that both find ritually adequate and rewarding. It is a
perspective of enfolding our sexuality, which was reduced to mere ‘physical’,
towards the full plane of human experience, from procreation to imaginative
construction.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Love is
often seen as the highest moral virtue, and it perhaps is, but also other
virtues contribute to our heavenly state; trust<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_edn9" name="_ednref9" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[ix]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></a>,
beauty, acceptance, respect, power, communion, technique, sensitivity,
self-realisation and energy exchange.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Concluding
we can say that this was a different blog; an attempt to lift BDSM out of the
mundane, sick and secret sphere, to the place where it rightly belongs; its
rituals are profound, rewarding and effective in bestowing us with the sense of
feeling whole and guarded.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For all of
you I wish that you will consider this perspective, even when it is a tough job
and a narrow path. Believe it, go for it, take it and rejoice in the gift of
life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sincere greetings
from the Chapel of the <st1:street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">Dominion
Court</st1:address></st1:street>,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sir Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-GB; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Endnotes<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
<div>
<!--[if !supportEndnotes]--><br clear="all" />
<hr align="left" size="1" width="33%" />
<!--[endif]-->
<div id="edn1">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref1" name="_edn1" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[i]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> As any text, a ‘sacred text’ is also a historical one, written by
persons in their words and in the context of the time they lived in. We can,
may - and perhaps should - ponder on such texts. By using a text that is
considered ‘sacred’ or ‘inspired’ I wish to acknowledge the text as relevant
for our culture. We may not agree on what the texts mean – whether it is to be
seen as a narrative, a revelation or simply as biased opinion - but we agree
that it is – to a certain extend – relevant.</span><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn2">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref2" name="_edn2" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[ii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> </span><span lang="EN-GB">For this
reason some say that Christianity produces masochists: we accept suffering, our
inferiority and guilt, in exchange for being forgiven and the promise that in
the after life we will be rewarded. However, this view may be insulting for
Christianity, as not all of Christianity is bad or fundamentalist in their
dogmas. Nor are masochists – our masochists – suffering against their will or
because of their inequities, nor are our masochists inferior or guilty. Our
masochists are the brave, courageous heroes, that we respect, admire and love,
just as they respect, admire and love their masters. Amen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn3">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref3" name="_edn3" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[iii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> </span><span lang="EN-GB">Yes, we
can. Sexuality, romance, love; it is part of us and meant to enjoy, embrace and
practise in good spirit, seeking each other and with respect to it’s natural limits.
Heaven is of course used in a figurative sense. So seen the above is only a
part of the heavenly goods: present for our pleasure, but no goal in itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn4">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref4" name="_edn4" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[iv]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> F</span><span lang="EN-GB">or the
kinky theologians amongst us: ‘<i>elthetoo</i>’
has the imperative mood, second aorist tense, active voice, singular. I
translate the Kingdom with her, as basileia is female.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn5">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref5" name="_edn5" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[v]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> </span><span lang="EN-GB">It are with
certainty not Matthew’s or Luke’s gospels at all, as all four gospels (selected
from amongst 30+ others in a later century) are only attributed to them in a
much later period (likely 100 years after Christ’s crucifixion).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn6">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref6" name="_edn6" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[vi]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> </span><span lang="EN-GB">Him/her=
hir, his’/her’s= hirs, she/he= sie, hirself<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn7">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref7" name="_edn7" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[vii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> Are there submissive vampires too? Devout little devils, enchanting
witches?</span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn8">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref8" name="_edn8" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[viii]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> Hedonism is a school of thought that argues that pleasure is the
only intrinsic good. In very simple terms, a hedonist strives to maximize net
pleasure (pleasure minus pain). Source: WikiPedia</span></div>
</div>
<div id="edn9">
<div class="MsoEndnoteText">
<a href="file:///C:/xxx%20Backup/Eigene%20Dateien/01%20MsOffice/Firma/Projekte/CR_docs/Blogs/Blog%20PH_024%20On%20Earth,%20as%20it%20is%20in%20Heaven%20-%20BDSM%20in%20Perspective.doc#_ednref9" name="_edn9" title=""><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US"><!--[if !supportFootnotes]--><span class="MsoEndnoteReference"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: Constantia; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: DE;">[ix]</span></span><!--[endif]--></span></span></a><span lang="EN-US"> </span><span lang="EN-GB">Trust or
belief are the same word in greek ‚<i>pistis</i>’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-49740289930972477832013-07-03T11:30:00.002+02:002013-07-03T11:44:16.064+02:00Real or virtual – BDSM in a modern world<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">“Real or virtual” is part of the series on BDSM
and society<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Is virtual BDSM fake? How can the internet be
of assistance to the leather lifestyle? How do kinky people live? Are they open
in their role or underground? <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">This time we take a look at the results of a
small survey in order to find out something more about BDMS in regard to
relationships and the internet.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Poll on Kink-in-Real-Life</span></b><span lang="EN-GB"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In a recent
opinion survey that I performed in the BDSM scene I asked a sampling of kinky
folks: "Which is the challenge for your BDSM-lifestyle today – finding a
suited partner, living with how you are, keeping your development going, online
BDSM or other issues?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Relationship challenges<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In reply, over
5o percent of the interviewed kinky folk deemed relationships the greatest challenge.
Persons with a medium appearance, or (severe) overweight more often had a
troublesome relationship or even none at all. Persons of medium age (midlife)
more often had relational issues as younger or older persons. They also more
often had a vanilla partner. Good looking persons and switches seem to have fewer
problems or are better in managing them. There was not found any relevance with
regard to gender or sexual orientation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Showing the kink<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">About one
third lived their BDSM openly, leaving two thirds of the questioned with
publically hiding their kinky urges. I found no differences with regard to
being monogamous or polyamory, nor regarding sexual orientation. Transsexuals and
woman more often show their BDSM urges in public.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">None of the
persons with a vanilla spouse or partner was able to openly show their kinky
urges, which makes it likely that there is pressure from their partner to keep
it hidden. Whether a person’s partner knows about their kinky urges or not
seemed not of great influence on their relationship, but this may be a
coincidence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Online BDSM play<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Around one
third of the interviewed had some form of online BDSM scenes, with bottoms weighing
in at 66 percent and tops and switches at 17 percent each. I assume that online
play offers great possibility to try things out in an anonymous and save way.
Remember that an alarming 1 on 3 kinky persons expressed to have experienced a
consent violation while being with ‘offline’ contacts, which is not very
encouraging to put your health and safety at stake (see: </span><span lang="EN-US"><a href="http://theclothedlie.blogspot.de/2013/05/bdsm-and-public-acceptance.html">http://theclothedlie.blogspot.de/2013/05/bdsm-and-public-acceptance.html</a>)</span><span lang="EN-GB">. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Of those
involved in online play, about the half of them was a novice in BDSM. The more
experienced a person gets in real play, the less interest they show in online
play. Of course all persons used the internet for information, communication
with or searching for partners. Overall online sexual acts or BDSM was not seen
as fake or inferior, but as limited by its virtual character; most of us, eventually,
need skin on skin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Technicalities</span></b><b><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This survey
had a limited number of participants so it likely is not significant for the
whole BDSM population. Yet, as it is all based on true, reliable information
from existing persons, it nevertheless shows us interesting things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As I
interviewed all the persons in a conversation, I was able to gather a lot of
extra information, so here we go:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span lang="EN-GB">Sexual
roadmap<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Gender:
females (50%), males (41%), ts/tv (9%)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sexual
orientation: heterosexual (64%), bi-sexual or same-sex (36%)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span lang="EN-GB">Relationships
<o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Current relation:
Good (50%), None (32%), Difficult (9%), Bad (9%)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">from which monogamous
(77%), polyamory (23%)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span lang="EN-GB">BDSM
preferences <o:p></o:p></span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">BDSM
Position: Bottom (41%), Switch (36%), Top (23%)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Urge: Sub (45%),
Fetishist (23%), Sadist (14%), Maso (9%), Dominant (9%)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Skills: Experienced
(41%), Medium (32%), Novice (27%)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Plays: Regularly
(36%), Infrequent (36%), Never (18%), Seldom (10%)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Comments</span></b><b><span lang="EN-GB"> <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">(1) The
stunningly high 50+ percent figure of kinky persons having problems in the
relational sphere, confirms the analysis I offered in my former blog on ‘BDSM
and public acceptance’ from May, that "it is thought that almost 85% of
the people that are not in the BDSM lifestyle do think that there is something
wrong with kinky persons." In half of the cases of the troubled relation,
there is a vanilla partner. In 75% of the cases the kinky person is a
submissive, whereas the gender plays no role. Particularly the group of persons
of medium age seem vulnerable to getting involved in a midlife crisis, where it
is to be seen if this is BDSM related at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Preliminary
we could conclude that medium aged submissives are more vulnerable to having a
not so good relationship or none at all, compared to other kinky persons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">(2) Those that
are into BDSM often start with gathering information online and from books and find
groups of people that can offer support. The more experienced one gets, the
less interest is shown in chatting or exploring the topic; real meetings are
then favoured over online contacts. An exception is made when the partner does
not know about their BDSM urges. In general two thirds of those who play out
some form of BDSM over the internet hide their urges from their partner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">(3) A small
number of persons had problems with being as they are. This had partly to do
with their past (broken relationships, religious trauma) or had to do with the
transgender or polyamory issue. So seen; most interviewed persons had not
problems with being kinky, as such. For those who had problems with kink as
part of their lives, such problems were more of social nature, as of a sexual
nature.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Concluding
we can say that the internet partly took over the function of local BDSM
support groups and is well suited to find others kinky persons, gathering
information on BDSM and online purchase of play tools. It is of course less
suited to gather actual physical BDSM experience or learning technique; for
that we need to go out in the wild and meet, practise and learn with and from
others.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">One major
issue not investigated in this blog is the alarming number of wanna-be’s and
fakes on the web, or the lack of manners in online chats. After all, with our ‘friends’
on social media platforms, more often as not, we do not have any warrant for
the accuracy of the supplied information. I am sometimes under the impression
that fantasy is taken for real and is mixed up in stories in a way that goes
against the sound and sane parts of our BDSM creed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Not able to
do a survey with thousands of people, I opted for a quality approach with real
people involved in the real thing. The results may not be quite representative
for the mass, but it is at least the reality of those that I questioned and as
such the real deal (for them).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For all of
you I wish that you belong to the happy 50% that are living their BDSM urges in
an accepting environment and within a functioning relationship. For the less
lucky, keep on searching for people that will support you, offer you practise
or technical development and help you to stay safe and cool. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Greetings
from the statistical office of the <st1:street w:st="on"><st1:address w:st="on">Dominions
Court</st1:address></st1:street>,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sir Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-56172616872670679052013-07-01T00:56:00.000+02:002013-07-01T00:56:03.076+02:00Experience over perversion – How sick is BDSM?<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">“Experience over perversion” is part of the
series on BDSM and psychology<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"> </span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Is kink normal, is the missionary position
normal, is the way we look at the world normal? You may answer ‘yes’ to all of
these questions or perhaps not, but in a way we all sense that the answers are depending
on your beliefs, your culture or your experience. In this blog we take a closer
look at how BDSM became pathologized in the past and why this is now scientifically
regarded to be a gross mistake.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Sick persons, sick morals, sick methodology<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Most of us
will likely not know why the thought that masturbation - instead of being
healthy and normal – was regarded as ‘wrong’, but this seemed rather easy to
answer: it is not something that we abundantly find written down in religious
texts - for as far as I know there is not much on the topic in the Bible. When I
was searching for the reason behind this negative attitude towards masturbation
I crossed an amazing story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It all
begins at the end of the 19<sup>th</sup> century in several mental asylums. They
were visited by the German-Austrian psychiatrist Richard, Freiherr von
Krafft-Ebing who noticed that 98% of the mentally ill inmates did masturbate; from
this it he concluded that masturbations either was a symptom or perhaps even
the cause of their illness. Krafft-Ebing also suggested a link between
masturbation and homosexuality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">As
incredible as this story sounds to us now, we can only say that it was a matter
of bad luck that this psychiatrist apparently did not masturbate himself, as
this would have likely had lead him to quite another conclusion about its
healthy and pleasurable effects.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">But there
is more misfortune in the air, as this doctor, did not only labelled
masturbation as a disease, but also other sexual behaviour that was not conform
the prudent Victorian moral code, particularly male sadism and masochism.
(Female kinky and fetish behaviour were not included in the survey, as
Krafft-Ebbing regarded woman as sexually passive).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In 1886 his
‘Sexual Psychopathy: A Clinical-Forensic Study’ appeared, containing around 200
case histories of human sexual behaviour and the work soon became the standard with
regard to sexual perversion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Wikipedia
states that “it became the leading medico–legal textual authority on sexual
pathology” and - while written in an academic style - developed into a “forensic
reference book for psychiatrists, physicians, and judges”. As one of the first scientific
book on sexual pathology and same-sex relationships it attracted a lot of
attentions. Remember that there was not much pornography available and that
people where likely as curious about sex as we are today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">From an
evolutionary point of view, sexuality only functioned for procreation, a view
that was shared by the church doctrines. Therefore any sexual activity outside
of the holy matrimony was regarded as morally flawed, just as recreational sex.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When Freud
connected the several stages of sexual development with our mental health, it
became clear that sexual deviation mainly was due to childhood trauma. And this
and similar theories have been hanging around ever since and caused great harm,
disrespect and rejection towards alternative sexual praxis, often leading to
situations that show resemblance to the witch-hunts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Problems we meet<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Depending
on where you live, your culture may have stringent or looser views on BDSM and
same-sex relationships. Area’s we likely will meet a negative attitude or
actual resistance are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">- Religious
institutions<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">-
Neighbourhood<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">- Working
place<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">- Children<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The idea is
that when we are sexually defiant, we are unable or unworthy to participate in
religious rituals, social interactions or raising or working with children.
However, the functioning of kinky and LGBTQ persons in reality, does show that
there seems no reason to suggest that they suffer from a mental disease. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Problems rather by thoughts, as by deeds<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Again we
see that theoretical prejudges and abstract values are chosen above life-based
experience: in scientific terms we would call this a delusion in order to avoid
getting on terms with evidence. Whereas for an evaluation of whom we are as a
person, our deeds should be taken into account and not our theories about how
persons should ideally be; as long as we consent, keep our sexual acts private
and respect the public space of others, there is nothing anti-social in what we
do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Notice that
we are not claiming that others are not entitled to their beliefs; they are,
but so are we. We do not reject, ridicule or forbid the type of sex that the
majority seems to prefer, and neither do we force our views upon them, obliging
them to follow our sexual preferences. Meanwhile we battle wrong convictions
about what it is what we do and enjoy, just like any sensible person would
stand up for the right to be yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Conclusion<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Concluding
we can say that it is not by our deeds that we get problems in the above
mentioned areas, then as long as no one knows, everything seems to work fine.
Yet as soon as our deeds are being contrasted with differing opinion with
regard to sexual ethics, we run the risk of being pathologized. As there is no
compelling argumentation for such ethics, we cannot let that happen.
Understanding the mechanisms behind pathologizing us, will help to debunk them
and set us free.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Afterword regarding religious morality<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For about
1800 years amongst those confessing to the spiritual values and truths that can
be found in Christianity were many that held slaves. The slaves were used for
work, public and private service as well as for sexual service. Slaves were
commodities without rights and such slavery was nowhere near the consensual,
nurturing and mutually beneficial kind of slavery that we find in BDSM
relationships. Rather it showed the unequal, unjust and exploitive side of
slavery, a way that devalues the slave instead of empowering them. Regrettably,
there was not much theological resistance against the praxis, but eventually
reason prevailed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Bringing an
end to abusive slavery was of course a humane act and I think an act that is in
accordance with the commandment to love your neighbour. It was a good
development and I wish such developments would also occur with regard to the
sex-negative attitude that we find in many branches of Christianity. Reality
shows that there is nothing wrong with the actual loving of our neighbours,
even when this loving occurs in a sexual context.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The truth
will set us free – Sir Cameron<o:p></o:p></span></div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4417299359470593065.post-20282503127876299122013-06-24T13:41:00.002+02:002013-06-24T13:41:34.508+02:00Outing or underground? – Similarities between BDSM & LGBTQ<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">“Outing or underground?” is part of the series
on BDSM and society</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">Imagine that you would be fully accepted as you
are. That would be great, wouldn’t it? Can you sense how strong, relaxed and
sheltered you would feel, if you did get the support of those you love? And
there is nothing wrong with aspiring this: it is perfectly normal to wish to be
accepted and cared for just as you are. Unfortunately, for the most of us kinky
folks - and for quite a few LGBTQ as well - our every day reality is sometimes quite
different: we are faced with rejection, pathologizing and on occasion even
threats.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-GB">What does this mean to us? What does this mean
to you, as a kink, aLGBTQ or both? Well, belonging to a not accepted group is
tough and for that reason some of us are forced to stay underground and keep an
essential part life hidden and wrapped in the cloths of secrecy. In this blog
we look at hidden truths and naked lies. Living a double life, by sheer necessity
or by our own choice, is in a way a distortion of reality; of how you really
are. In this particular blog we search for approaches on how to choose the way
that offers most benefits for you, in being yourself. I am sure you have earned
it. Absolutely.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Is kink a private matter?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Depending
on who you ask inside the leather scene, kink is either regarded a private
matter – after all, how you prefer ‘it’ is really none of their business – or, on
the contrary, it is definitely something that belongs to their public profile. Like
that Harley Davidson driving Master clothed in thick black leather and piercing
through you with his demanding eyes. It is obvious what he wants and clear that
he will get it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Which of
the two above options is the best, one or two lives, is hard to say; it will
depend on your character and the context you live in; is your community, your
culture and your relationship open for you outing your kink, or not? Staying
underground or outing yourself is nothing but a consequence your own choices,
given the circumstances you are in. It is up to you and your living environment
how you can live.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When I live
in a relationship with a vanilla partner, I show more reluctance about
displaying the true role that kink plays in my life. When I play with kindred
folk, I let more of it out. This is not only a matter of ethics, but just as
much a sign of respect for your partner(s); give to each of them, what belongs
to them in the way they wish it. And in return you may expect to meet a similar
kind of openness, as meeting respect and openness with respect and openness is
normal civilized behaviour. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">However, in
reality this expectation proofs more to be based on wishful thinking as on confirming
experience. There is always the famous exception, but in fact, most people who
are not kinky themselves tend to show reactions towards BDSM that do display a
close conformity to their own set of ethics; and those are likely the sort of
ethics that regard BDSM as strange, unfamiliar and scary (or in case of
religious bias, even as sin or outright evil).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Now, when
we are honest, we have to admit that indeed some of the things we do can look
very scary; not only is much of the context of BDSM play aimed at creating some
sort of suspense and tension, but also the actions are bewildering to
individuals that do not understand the mechanics underlying BDSM play, like how
funny pain can be or how our power exchange is (ideally) embedded in a safe,
sound and consensual praxis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">However, because
they are not understanding, liking or accepting our ‘thing’, this does not
automatically render our preferences, urges and actions into something immoral,
wrong or sick. From one perspective one could argue for this assessment, from
another perspective it is clearly a matter of freedom, liberty and identity. What
does actually divide us is our view on what is right. Is there a truth regarding
BDSM & LGBTQ and how can we be sure of it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">The Duality of Choosing<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">To put it
from the start, I will not lead you on the slippery path of philosophical
theories on truth, nor in the confusing maze of (religious) ethics. There are
certainly many things to say and needed to be said in these areas, but at the
end it will turn out to be arbitrary anyway. Some will be in agreement with
what I argue for, others won’t. Overall, the question will perhaps not be to
choose for this or that point of view, but rather why we have to choose and
divide at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">With truth
- as in right and wrong - it seems that we can discover a similar diversity as we
find in sexual urges and preferences; yes, there is seemingly a binary position
we can make with regard to our sex organs (<i>and
is the mind one of them or not?</i>), but we also find a pluriformity of
options on how to experience our naturally appearing sex in- and outside of our
head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">For the
majority of our fellow human beings, many common dualisms - like e.g. the male/female
distinction - will feel as a natural and logical option. But since we realized
that there must be around 50 shades of grey, we discovered that the world is
not black and white and that it perhaps has never been; not the world is
dualistic, as it seems, but the way we look at the world ultimately creates our
(dualistic) experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">This is a
very important distinction, as it shows that you - for yourself, inside of your
head or inside a safe circle - can have a full self-awareness and
self-acceptation towards your sexual orientation or gender identity. Even when
the outside word is hostile and intolerant; you can and may always be you,
hidden inside or out in the open.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Luckily the
– predominantly post-Christian - world is evolving. A large minority in the
West does not regard dualisms and rigid categories as the only valid view on
sexuality. As a result we differ with regard to gender issues, we differ in
respect to the meaning of the vanilla/kink duality and in BDSM play many of us
even differ considerably in what makes it work for us: Diversity - and particularly
sexual diversity - appears to be part of the human condition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">From the
above it may be obvious that I do not endorse gender binarity, nor in general
tend towards a dualistic approach with regard to gender identity, sexual orientation
or practical preferences. Instead I advocate a non-dualism, which offers the
freedom to accept binarity as the genuine experience of many people as such. However,
this is done without setting their praxis or opinion as the (indubitable) norm.
Free and open societies do tend to show the multifacetedness of human
sexuality, whereas rigid and disclosed societies do not; their truths can only
be binary; which brings us back to truth again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span lang="EN-GB">Being true? Reasons for (not) concealing your
urges <o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The ethics
of the society you live in, and particularly their ideas with regard to LGTBQ, BDSM
and fetish, will greatly contribute to your sense of security. Above all, when
it comes to publicly showing that you differ in your gender-identity or sexual
preference, compared to what is regarded as mainstream. If general ethics is
repressive to your urges and inner being, going against them can be a dangerous
endeavour; therefore think before you ‘kink’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">However,
morals as such, do not necessarily have to end with the situation that a
different view on what is to be regarded as good and acceptable, automatically must
lead to a casting out or condemning of everyone that is different. As in any
reasonable praxis, an enclosed and tolerant society may simply opt for granting
each individual freedom of (gender/sexual) expression, as long as it is not
against the laws or against the will of one of the participants.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Just as we,
just as Sir Cameron as queer sadist, may enjoy such freedoms, we similarly should
be at least sensible for others for having less freedom – seen from our
perspective. It may be a nuisance to steadily argue with those who disagree,
but at least you should be able to state the rationality of wishing to live
your life as you are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">In this
regard, it may be fruitful to see if you in your contacts with others can find
a common basis with regard to human rights and the rationalization of
individual expression. What we have seen above about the connection between
dualism and truth, will be important here; as those who make use of a dualist
approach often serve themselves from an either/or kind of argument in which you
– per definition - are wrong. In my view a sensible advance to counter such
contradiction, is the call for evidence and the rationality of their views,
after all a belief is nothing but a proposition, whereas self expression is a
human trait.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Take care
of yourself and protect your rights – Sir Cameron</div>
theclothedliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17361467689979360650noreply@blogger.com0