“Against her will?” is part of the series on BDSM and psychology

Introduction

Against her will, a challenging title and an equally challenging subject to write about, as you will see. It seems we humans have a thing with power, will and sexual emotions. Basically we should have sex as human beings; meaning, our humanity is presupposed and as such also the acceptance of the other as equally human. What happens afterwards, if the princess becomes the bitch, if the lover become the servant or if you just spent a lovely hour of sharing your mutual passions, that is up to you. What is important for now, is the awareness that by living out sexuality in a humane way, the issues of power and will (or consent) will be defined by your morals, which, when they are humane, endorse sexuality as typical for human functioning and as good in itself. When we err, it is us who are to blame for our choices, not sex, sexuality or a positive attitude towards sex.

Is normal sex boring?

Perhaps this is not a fully legitimate question, even when on first sight some kinks feel innerly inclined to answer it confirmatively. I remember a conversation from last year where the Mistress I was chatting with, expressed her concern about the many tops she knew that were no longer able or willing to have normal sex. Of course I share her ideas and advocate a healthy mixture of all kinds of sex; after all, you do not eat the same nice food each and every day, do you?

So, let us take a closer look at this concept of ‘normal’ sex. Instead of seeing vanilla sexuality as the normal and opposed to that to regard kinky sex as an abnormal form of human sexuality, we have been arguing on this blog that, in general, human sexual urges and wishes are much more versatile than that we might be able to put them in just two classes. Examples of what I mean we do find in dualities as ‘kink & vanilla’ and in the infamous ‘same-sex & opposite sex orientation’. What about trans- or bi-, or queer? What about fetishists, switches or a-sexual people?

They have always been there. The diversity has always been there, but due to word-views that had only two options, there was no room for expression. It is only in the last 50-or-so years that surveys started to ask after alternative designations, but even in that relatively short time it has become apparent that the existing diversity cannot be put in dualistic classes.

Statistically speaking there are hardly persons to be found that are pure vanilla or pure kink in their sexual urges. So stigmatizing one side does not make the other better, true or more real; in fact this way of thinking is contra productive and does not help our understanding of sexual diversity; it just favours one.

Over the last two decades quite a few BDSM theorists have put on the agenda that neither kink nor vanilla should be used to make a diversion where there is none. I heartily endorse this stance, as this way of separating between different ways of expressing parts of our selves is biased from the beginning. Not only with regard to our freedom to express our sexual preferences as we see fit, it is also biased by reducing our expression to an either/or choice, instead of enabling us to opt for an and/and approach.

Most of the time, a struggle to accept deviation is the result of assuming that many differences – or nicely called; deviations - are wrong and that we are entitled to label them as a perversion of normality. Such ideas start with the hypothesis that we actually can decide what normality is and of course, that those who decide this do essentially know what is right and wrong. The most likely two candidates underlying this need for splitting up and to differentiate are firstly many versions of religious systems and secondly the historically grown sex-negativism that combines Victorian morality with Freudian terminology.

Such principles were a common good a century ago and do still resonate in our idealization or romance a la ‘Holywood’. Such ideas and principles developed gradually after the renaissance where mankind got rid of medieval praxis like slavery or other feudal customs like ‘ius primae noctis’. For those unfamiliar with the later; Wikipedia describes this as the ‘Lordly right’ or ‘Droit du seigneur’, a “putative legal right allowing the lord of a medieval estate to take the virginity of his serfs' maiden daughters.”

Now that is terrible! Why did we stop with that for G’d’s sake? Believe me, Sir Cameron in his virtual Dominion for sure would like to reinstall this right of the first night! But I am drifting off. Seducing a bunch of teenie’s by an older man is so bad, yes, to the extent that grossly 2/3 of the males fantasize about doing it. Any teenage girls who are having similar wishes; please mail to Sir Cam-moron (big sorry, to Sir from himself- even more drifting of …. You want a few of those email addresses you say? Shame on you!!!)

Allegedly, Perfect 19^th Century sex

If we would take a tad of Victorian prudery and mix this carefully with some steamy Freudian psychological assumptions, like the terrific concept of penis envy, we finally would end up with the definition of what it is that constitutes perfect sex. So, get ready: The recipe to perfect sex would go something like this: take two - married!  – persons (of the opposite sex, mind you!) that are having regular intercourse – for those kinks who forgot how that goes: it is sex without tools, whips, canes, belts, clamps, ropes, and badges, without leather, without watching porn and even without using hands or tongues – simply with the woman on her back, man kneeling between her spread legs, tender insertion and then up and down.

Now, I do not know if kissing was allowed, but at least orgasm was; ideally simultaneously (at the same time), but for the situation that the man came first, it was of course perfectly normal for him to roll off, close his eyes and fall asleep. After all, it was first with feminism that the idea of wanton women was born, and even they do not climax after one minute and twenty five seconds of intercourse. At least, not many that I know – but gosh, what do I know?

Ouch! Don’t you love the textbook crap?

Today most of us probably bring forth a wry smile regarding this former ‘perfection’, but if the above description actually reminds you of your own relationship, please do yourself a favour; do not feel guilty for reading this blog. It is good to learn and understand how you can improve your sex life. Looking around in this blog and to inform yourself with other sources of quality information are indeed excellent ways to get more fun into your relationship. Striving to give your partner good, fulfilling sex is after all an honourable thing and something we all seek – I hope (all nod yes!).

Yet, with such a definition of ‘perfect sex’, there are probably not many real people left with a ‘normal’ sex life. This on itself should already make us realize that what some see as normal, may not always be normal to others, even within the same (sub) culture. And why should it? We are all different persons and that is what makes sexuality so exciting in the first place; to get to know each other and to enjoy what we have in common or complement in each other is a wonderful thing to do, and believe me, it is mostly not boring, considering the fact the population of the world has now passed the 7 billion mark.

Sharing what you have to give in a loving and caring attitude and with the freedom of mind to enjoy the many sexual pleasures that people can give each other is never something we should joke about, look down upon or feel worse about. Such intimacy is never boring, contrary to many of the porn productions that in their commercial monoculture show their alienation of sexuality with regard to how it functions in the reality of most people. Of course, Rocco is an exception … and we have to remember that porn is made for masturbation, not as an instruction of how to best make fun together.

The whole idea of perfect sex or copying porn ideals has a sting attached to it. It is a striving that contains the elements of performance and comparison. It has this feeling of obligation attached to it and this more often as not kills our lust. Beside that, it also takes the joy out of that what is actually not hard to do at all. Just follow your instincts, play around a little and use your own imagination to be happy; and if you run out of creativity, you can still se an external source for occasional inspiration.

And yes, it may be funny at times and for sure very embarrassing too, but as trust and curiosity is more important as perfection and performance, it is as good as it gets. This even more goes for kinky play; even when good technical skills can greatly improve a scene, it can never replace the emotions we feel and the tension in the room whether we play for the first or the seventh or seventy-seventh time. However, with kink there are, beside the regular save-sex precautions, a few other things to consider; including our health, our borders and our consent, and yes, legal issues too.

Is BDSM without consent evil?

In a previous post “Satan and Sadist” we have seen that there is something erroneous when ethicists define evil as the infliction of pain upon sentient beings. For BDSM as a reasonable praxis is definitely not evil. It does not feel like it either. Admitted, it might be a tad dark, but consensual pain is not near to evil whatsoever. Perhaps we can even argue that it is closer to pleasure as it is to displeasure; the reason for that is not as much to be found in the notion of consent, as it is in how we as sexual being process painful experiences. Many people ask: when it feels so good for both of the players, how could it be wrong?

Now, there may be quite some valid exceptions to this question.  Most prominently would be that definitely not everything that is feeling good, actually is good. Abuse of substances, or other persons, can feel good, yet it may be harmful to one or more of us. Distortion of reality or damaged relationships may be the result. So seen, experience may thus not be the most perfect guide to ethics, but it is for sure a helpful one as it will naturally filter out that what does not work. This said, it is clear that some kind of justification for administering pain or showing humiliation or derision to other humans is necessary: particularly in order to keep BDSM out of the range of pathologizing definitions.

Out of considerations on practical kink the famous trio of safe, sane and sound evolved. For beginning leather folk the idea of consensual kink may have an unexpected twist to it and also those involved in risk-aware kink and edge play will get the point; consent in a way takes of the idea we have formed with regard to what the ‘real’ thing is.

From actual incest, rape and abuse cases, as well as form forced marriages and prostitution we know that being forced into non-consensual sex is having devastating effects on the victims self-esteem, their ability to enjoy their sexuality (even with partners they trust) and their experience of feeling safe. Any sexual act ‘against their will’ is consequently no glorious fun factory, but rather a vile pool of distress.

Nevertheless, the questions remain why forced sex has such a strong attraction potential and at the same time consensual kink seems to be the less appealing alternative?

One partial answer we can find in the difference between fantasy (in our head) and reality (in our bed). To start with the first; pondering on consent is not something that does play a large role in our fantasy. As usual, our fantasies can tell us a lot about ourselves. The demons that haunt us in our sexual dreams, the villain that kidnaps you, the brutes that so shamelessly make use of your weak spots and force you to serve them; they are all parts of our own imagination or are derived from images we saw somewhere else. In either case, we use to go through an intimately sexy experience within our minds. And as it turns out, what is in your mind will most of the times greatly differ from what is in someone else’s mind.

Not only do you consent to your own thoughts, even the limits you feel are carefully stretched and exploited, as fantasy normally is rather edgy too. Just as all parts of our identity naturally seek to develop and mature, equally this is the case for our sexual identity. We evolve by playing out our urges in both dreaming and realising.

Yet, as this process is equal to all the people we meet and play with and as we are all very different in our urges, needs and fantasies, there is an equally large potential for disappointment as for pleasure. Despite the fun sex has to offer, despite the absolute thrills BDSM has to offer, we still run the risk of being disillusioned. Most of the times this however has nothing to do with consent or appearance, but rather we need to learn that fantasy is simply not transferable to reality on a one-on-one base.

The good thing however, is that fantasy can be realized in a different setting. Yet, for this it will be necessary to understand your wishes and to communicate them in a way so that others do understand and respect your thing. Similar as with consent, a negotiation seems so unsexy, at first. But on a second thought this does not have to be like that at all. On the contrary, planning a play session, planning to get fucked hard, planning to get those tits tortured actually is a very sexy activity. It will not only bring your thoughts on the same wave length, it will also create an atmosphere of trust and expectation. After a while it becomes a part of the ritual and can have similar effects as foreplay: you can hardly wait to get started; images in your head all day and those feeling in your genitals tell you all there is to say.

Why then, you ask, do we not consent, plan and scheme much more? Likely we are more interested in finding the perfect partner that telepathically reads our wishes; a real God or Goddess can do that, don’t they?

And blaming others for being so disappointing, technically under par and insensitive for our needs, has certainly nothing to do with our lack of communication or the quality of our communication skills.

And as you in this world have to take care of yourself, it is normal that you take advantage of an opportunity when it offers itself. After all a one night stand is nothing to be ashamed of and a change in diet increases your appreciation of what your regular partner has to offer.

No matter how many truths the above three remarks may contain, dreaming idle wishes, projection or egoism will not easily set you on the path of enjoying sexual liberty by which you have your needs met with. As with any other reasonable praxis, living out your sexuality is worth some consideration. And I know that those subs are often irresistible, and you indeed have to lick those boots, but ages of false religious, politically correct and sex-negative beliefs should warn us to distrust those who know the ‘real’, the ‘true’ and the ‘right’ thing.

Just start with what you have and improve on it. This is a fail-save mechanism and will result in having more fun in the way that you and your partner(s) are. And if you have these hot fantasies, you ask? Then find people you feel secure enough with to share them, perhaps you are in for a treat. I wish that to all of you.

Enjoy – Sir Cameron

‘BDSM and vanilla relationships’ is part on the series on BDSM and social ethics

The many flavoured thing

Vanilla is by far the most popular ice-cream flavour and also otherwise it is widely used; e.g. in cocktails - like Golden Dream (see the recipe below) - whipped cream, vanilla sugar, cakes, bath foam and some women that I know even wear vanilla as a perfume. As such vanilla is a good marker for that which is considered as well tasting, widely accepted and in ever growing demand.

Consequently, in popular language the term vanilla developed as a genuine and positive expression of what we call romantic love. Over time it became a hallmark by which ‘normal’ sexuality and ‘normal’ relationships were denoted. In this sense, BDSM is not ‘normal’ and a flavour that perhaps one in ten people actually likes; although Sir Cameron and those on his Court do think that it is a great flavour and something that will be to the taste of many more persons, if they would only be willing to try out what our hot and spicy ‘kinky-cuisine’ has to offer. BDSM is not a diet or a replacement for vanilla, but an expansion on what is on our regular menu.

Who to tell (not)?

In my earlier post from the beginning of April with regard to the rationality of BDSM we have seen that the rationality of the BDSM experience is to be found in the way it functions in our praxis. A not unimportant facet of our kinky practical life is found in how we deal with others. This might be people that are not precisely advocating those things that we like to do; even when it is not with them we play out our urges. Therefore, most of the times it will be none of their business anyway, yet as it is with the weather; we have not caused it and cannot change it either, but everyone feels invited to talk about it. Even though I am open for clear and transparent relationships, when kink is involved, resorting to a need to know basis is perhaps a smarter option.

There are of course exceptions when it comes to outing yourself with regard to your typical branch of kinky sex. First and for all, you may have a partner, or an ex-partner - and the other parent of your child – who are often entitled to getting this kind of information disclosed to them, particularly when you run risks like getting bruises, being arrested by the police or a sexually transmitted disease.

Then there are your closest friends, your parents perhaps and maybe your psychiatrist too and you may need to see your doctor some day, while you still have visible proof of your joyous activity from the week before. Remember that medical professionals are obliged to doctor-patient confidentiality and in many countries a breach of secrecy from their part is a serious offence. See to it that you get a fair treatment and are not treated as inferior.

I definitely do not advice to get out in the open with your kink, unless you are not in the situation where you are vulnerable to harassment, ridicule or discrimination. And do not over estimate the tolerance of your society or sub culture. Even in BDSM clubs Sir Cameron is often opposing a lack of understanding for not using his real name. But for him trying to protect his identity is not out of shame or because of awkward feelings regarding his perversions, but rather for the sake of his private life and those involved in that. Not only are we entitled to have our privacy respected, but also our families and partners.

Do not think your children, friend or neighbours will find it a comforting and pleasurable thought to know that you like to confine someone to a cage during the next weekend or that they actually believe that getting spanked until your butt is black and blue is really sexy for you. They will likely not understand what it is that you do, nor feel comfortable with the idea’s that are part of your fantasy and your sexual roadmap. And why should they? So think twice before you tell someone and if you have too, be nice and show respect for their reservations. Taking others serious in their concerns and worries is the first step to getting your own ‘liberties’ acknowledged.

Vanilla partner(s)

In case you happen to have a vanilla spouse or partner that is appalled by your kinky fantasies and wishes and particularly when you want put those into a nasty and dirty praxis; I can only say: welcome on board; while as you read this, there are thousands and tens of thousand other kinky persons that find BDSM irresistible, yet cannot share it with those that they love and life with. And yeah, that really sucks big time!

When you think that living a double, secret life is the only – or the best – option in that case; consider this: facts on BDSM are a given that we can ignore, accept or try to promote. The way that we ourselves deal with our kink can greatly influence how others perceive it, especially uncertain partners. When you are with someone and that person is not kinky, that fact that you are a ‘pervert’ can be a real shock to them.

Sharing your kink may for that reason easily cause problems, even in non-sexual areas, ranging from Church attendance to what kind of friends are welcome at your next Sunday afternoon barbeque party. Not only will most partners feel bewildered when they first find out about your sexual deviation(s), they also might feel offended by it or face all kinds of internal fears; the fear to be losing you, the fear to be forced into playing someone who they are not, nor wish to be; the fear that you may get hurt (which is very likely when you are submissive in nature) or fear that you are sick and will get more extreme over time (which is a common phenomena too).

Moreover, in a relationship that has started as a - let’s say – more or less romantic ‘vanilla’ relationship; you have the normal matters of trust, loyalty and sexual exclusivity that goes with the idea of ‘the one and only’. And even when a relation has been open from the start, once made promises are still expected to stay that way. Of course, we all know that we change over a certain period of time. Nevertheless it is often expected that if you truly love someone, you are completely satisfied with the other person. This is of course a grievous misconception, resting on the age old dogmas of fidelity, monogamy and heteronormativity.

Hence, in reality it is probably smarter to see a once made promise as an ideal, an intention that you at that given time and with that particular person wished to follow up upon.

Consequently being true is a concept that you might need to reconsider over time. Imagine that you opted to be open and honest to each other, yet in the process of being together you find that you changed in one or more points and your partner has not. In general it is of course always your choice to be true to those you are together with, but once you find in yourself this wish to act upon this darker side of you, those long dormant but now awake urges that turn you on like a violently hot flame that brings this tension in your live that you so dearly have been lacking all those years, yes, than you may face another hard choice. Are you willing to trade your needs and wishes in exchange for staying in a relationship?

This is a very hard and difficult question, believe me. The relationship may still work, you can and may still love your partner, but what is when their ideals and views on truth no longer reflect your own? What is when your former happy life now becomes a prison that sort of forces you to go underground, with the risk that you feel like a cheater or which harms your self respect?

Even when it is hard to accept that you have neared the limits of your relationship, in order to stay mentally sound, you may have to face this and be forced to consider to what extent your current relationship is still working for both of you. Then a relationship is not about keeping promises or living in the same house, but rather an expression of your love and affection; the former are only means to achieve this.

BDSM priority

Let us, for a moment, turn away the focus from our relationship with your partner(s) and start with you. This blog is about us kinks and in favour of BDSM activity: we first start with us, so we can be there for others too. Not as a victim, not as a sinner, not as a sick pervert – though Sir Cameron loves sick perverts most of the time – or as an irresponsible immoral person, but predominantly as a partner with equal rights to happiness and fulfilment and with equal rights to have your needs met.

The fact that we may find our bliss in a different way is complicating matters. But pathologizing our kinky side - e.g. because is not fashionable - is not really a concept that will work on the long run. As an equal partner in a relationship, we are entitled to pursue our (sexual) happiness, just as our partner does. We definitely need to avoid being forced in the defence and feeling the need to justify why we are not ‘normal’.

Not being normal or being rejected because you are kinky is of course a terrible experience, but, as strange as this sounds, it is comfortable position in a way. For example, you will harvest sympathy among your fellow kinks for being repressed sexually by an intolerant partner or society. And feeling neglected is a powerful emotion to justify a double life, the usual way out; but a hard way too; then who does decide what we may feel?

To a certain extent the term ‘double life’ does not properly reflect what is going on. At work you are different as at home, just as you behave different with your partner(s), as with your neighbours – at least, most of the times. In a way this is all double too; in each and every relationship we show a different side of us, like we are playing roles that fit with that particular context. In the depth psychology of the Swiss psychiatrist C.G. Jung such roles are the complexes of the 'Persona', the masks that we wear. For Jung playing different roles is not seen as cheating, but just one side of who we are.

The mask is not something we necessarily do hide behind, but rather something that is adapted to what is expected from us with regard how we should be. The expectations and requirements of our surroundings force us to adapt in order to be an accepted part of the group. So seen, the mask is as much a reaction on our surroundings as it is something that we hide behind. Nevertheless, when kink is concerned, we often perceive such ‘roles’ as double, as it does mask parts of how and who we are; it actually is double to the extent that you apparently cannot be yourself without far reaching consequences.

That what is double is not per definition a matter of convictions, but predominantly a valuation regarding the truth or the priority of your convictions. The fact that sometimes your ideas and urges are being handled as something inferior is also something that is double. Most often such an attitude it is not justified either, then just as masks and roles can hide something, they can also display something; e.g. our richness in variation and diversity.

There is another side of the coin regarding the term double. We should understand that it is awkward to face something that is new, particularly when it is this slightly unusual thing as BDSM. Such feelings of awkwardness are unavoidable; and they are neither wrong nor right. They simply tell us how we feel and that we are, or are not, challenged by what we have heard or seen. Outing in BDSM can be just as tough as being the one that gets this stuff revealed. When we realize that this often mutual embarrassment and the flood of thoughts and emotions it can cause is not a matter of final judgement, but first a natural reaction and the way things go.

Our praxis has to show that we are still reliable persons and in many ways the same persons – and why not? Why should one sexual thing change who we are? We still love the dog, make good burgers or are an excellent lawyer. For those you love, to accept that things sometimes are double may take a while, but ultimately nothing is gained by reducing a person you know to one single praxis or mode of being. And if your partner cannot prevent reduction, does that not tell us something about their problems too?

As a free sadist, Sir Cameron will continue to represent BDSM as a reasonable praxis, provided those involved are sane and sound of mind. Being faced with prejudgements, discrimination or rejection is never pleasurable, but it can be really terrible if you find such attitudes displayed in the ones you love and appreciate. Ultimately, you have to accept that your partner must deal with their own emotions regarding your kink. When you are lucky, you have their trust and make them clear that having a need they cannot or do not wish to fulfil, does not mean they are insufficient; you can still love them and be grateful for what they do share.

If this will be sufficient for you is quite another question. Perhaps, once you proved to your partner, that you still wish to be with them, you may find a solution together; a solution that gives you the freedom that you need to be even happier.

And if not, you ask? In this case; do not despair; there is more than enough love and affection in the world to get your needs met. You are a worthy person and there is no compelling reason to belief that you will end up deserted. Most important is to keep true to yourself and accept that not everybody is your friend. Yet, if you manage to live with yourself, be sure that there are many others that can do the same.

As always, enjoy!

Sir Cameron

P.S. The Golden Dream cocktail is one of the few official Dominion cocktails and is served at the Court of Lord Cameron as short drink. Take a big tumbler and add 2 units fresh orange juice, 2 units Curaçao triple sec (Bols or De Kuyper), 1 unit Liquore Galliano L'Autentico and 1 unit fresh unsweetened cream, not whipped (sorry folks). All mix and stir briefly with a few ice cubs until the side of the tumbler gets cold, strain into a pre-cooled cocktail glass without the ice.

BDSM and public acceptance is part of the series on BDSM and society

Sexual freedom today

A recent survey by the US based National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF) mentions that “large percentages of respondents view the general society as hostile to BDSM”. It is thought that almost 85% of the people that are not in the BDSM lifestyle do think that there is something wrong with kinky persons. In clear words; this means that they think we are sick, sinners, perverts or mentally disordered. Particularly our vicious sadists are dangerous for public safety and our dear subs are poor little things that are the victims of abusive bastards. Sounds familiar?

It sounds like someone needs to hear about how things really are. In the survey it is additionally stated that as a result of the widespread rejection of BDSM by the general public, 95% of the interviewed kinks think that it is therefore important that the general public is better educated about BDSM. A topic that this blog is intending to contribute to, even when it is primarily aiming at our own community.

Furthermore 74% of the respondents do not feel comfortable to talk about BDSM with their families. Regarding co-workers this goes up to 75%, which makes clear that both private and at work there is a huge reluctance to speak about our BDSM urges or practice. Whether or not you are in such position yourself, I guess we all know situations where we have to avoid openness and fall back on little lies or lame excuses. Personally I do not like that at all, but I sometimes see the necessity of it.

Practical example

Sir Cameron remembers a situation at a business party where he was luring two pretty ladies into a mysterious net of eroticised thoughts. When noticing how he indeed felt rather comfortable playing the game of double meanings and charming courtesy the most daring and less cautious of the two hotties let the first sexist remark slip; “You are a real Casanova; you know what woman want, but you would never hurt them.”

As Sir Cameron was just thinking about caning that neat Polish behind of her neighbour; our brave Sir, for a brief moment, faltered and looked down at his shoes. She had hit the nail; he would love to hurt her sexy nipples. The sweet Russian goddess now realized that she dropped a brick; her own arousal had converted my dominance over her into more acceptable romantic ideas of the mysterious lover that would put her on the throne; instead it would be the dungeons.

The prolonged silence that followed her remarks said more as shouting ‘I’ll dominate you two honeys until you beg for more’ could have done. Yet, it was a normal party and it offered no room for play or confrontation, so I just let it be. From their reactions they had sensed it anyway and soon after the incident the Russian beauty left with her rather irritated husband, who must have spotted that his wife was a bit confused. The Polish lady stayed glued on her chair and we had a very inspiring conversation, as she was just as smart as sexy. At the end I handed her my card; she never called.

You see; quite an ordinary situation with open minded people having modern values; yet, I was not free to say that I am a sadist and that I like to play out women –or men’s - fantasies with those who are brave enough to do so. On the other hand, why should we, most of the times it is perfectly fine to keep your ideas to yourself, but still.

Acceptance of openness

So what is it? How to navigate between wishing to be clear and open about who you are and finding a way to give others room to read between the lines, instead of pushing your kink upon them? How can we best do this?

Perhaps, pointing out the differences between fantasy and reality can shed some light on the issue, just as the notion of consent. We will start with the latter.

A part of the NCSF-survey showed that the interviewed thought that consent should be an ongoing discussion in any relationship, not just in kinky play; a thesis to which 94% agreed. Almost 96% shared the opinion that consent should be revocable at any time. An alarming 1 on 3 kinky persons expressed to have experienced a consent violation. A clear sign that our community is not as ideal as we perhaps think it to be, despite the agreement on consent (96%), roughly one third of them has problems recognizing or respecting this once involved in play.

Unfortunately the survey does not answer if those who violate the rules that make our play reasonable are selfish dominant males or ever more demanding pain pigs that run over their top’s limits and cause him to get trauma treatment right after he had delivered her to get first aid at the ambulatory clinic of the local hospital. Why is it that maso and macho do not really match most of the times?

You think I am too cynical? Well, remember those 33% of the people that got abused instead of being ‘treated’ in the way they like. The sad thing is that these people were kinky and into consensual kink; they likely would have complied anyway, given a bit more attention, care or negotiation. Control is a nice thing, but it works best when it goes in two directions; violation of consent is a lack of control, not a virtue of ‘real’ dominance.

But tell me, why am I not surprised? And we did not even talk about hygiene and disinfection of tools did we? The point will likely be the next issue we had planned to look at anyway: the difference between fantasy and reality and the risk of overplaying our hand.

Dream a little dream with me …

Just today I responded on a comment that made it clear to me how important the distinction is between abstract fantasy on the one side and our play in actual reality on the other side. The reason is obvious - if I may refer to Easton and Hardy once more: Our fantasies are all inside our head. We have agreed them to be there and we will never daydream about an act for which we do not have an inner consent.

Yes, of course the villain that brutalizes us in our fantasy is a bastard, yet, he is so sexy with his knowing smile and whatever he does to us, our body reacts on him in such a shameful way … because he precisely know what to do. And that lovely Mistress too, how mean she is when she pinches our nipples with her long red nails, that cause us to immediately get hot tears in our eyes; for which she mocks us with her humiliating remarks while she pushes our face closer and closer towards that soaked spot on her leather string thong ... 

In naked reality however, the bastard does not smell as good as expected and goes into sex way to quick and somehow he cannot read your mind on how you precisely prefer him to give it to you. And what a pitty; but that sexy Mistress is not really open for your wishes, because she can only top without nurturing. But are these tops to blame for being as they are; for not being able to read minds and know everything?

In reality, we need time to build up trust and self-acceptance, in reality we need to learn how our body responds in a scene with factual distress and pain. In reality we have to find a way to deal with differences in limits and technical skills without feeling awkward afterwards. In reality we have to communicate in order to get what we want. Dreaming about the ‘one’, ‘perfect’, ‘true’ of ‘real’ person runs the risk of getting close to self-delusion by confusing dream and reality.

But there is hope; BDSM is just as much a process of careful negotiations on getting what we want as it is fun. And the mental kick of abusive fantasies will for sure kick in when you are involved in a well prepared consensual scene. Just give it some time; practising is just as pleasurable as the final act of perfect play where our passions and bodies merge in blissful clash where we become the stars on the famous stage of the ‘realized dreams theatre’.

Bliss, bless, public

It is the bliss of working and functioning BDSM that the general public both understands and misunderstands. Most people are familiar with the blessings of hot and steamy sexual encounters, likely from their own fantasies, but hopefully from their active sex life too.

When on Monday morning at the university library those two vanilla women question their kinky submissive friend and ask her why she let herself being humiliated all weekend and the bottom answers that she simply needed those 23 orgasms to show her master how she admires him, some women would perhaps think that she is sick; most other women likely wonder how it would feel to have 23 orgasms in one weekend and if they would like or need that themselves, yet all of them understand that it must be pretty awesome experience that shows a lot of  intimacy and expertise.

When we engage in consensual acts that add flavour and spice to our BDSM lifestyle, we chose to do so. We seek it and we seek the suited surroundings for putting our secret longings into practise. The public’s negativity may first come from not respecting their privacy; when the neighbour goes out on his balcony to smoke and sees how your five Mistresses have tied you to a tree, hanging helpless in ropes, visibly aroused, not all neighbours tend to be sympathetic to what you do. Okay, it may be your garden, but it is also his balcony where he perhaps wishes to smoke without being confronted with a bondage scene. So, when we are as we are, we most times have to respect the limits of others. This goes for limits of our play partners and limits of outsiders; a limit that may involve not wishing to know, to see or to hear about what it is that we do.

Just as BDSM-acts result in heavy emotions in us as participants, it also can evoke strong reactions in others; shame, disgust, curiosity and fear, to name a few of the more common ones. When a vanilla person is confronted with our perversities, we can expect them to run against limits that are part of this person’s convictions, experiences and emotions. Just as we, they have the right to have limits, particularly in the public area. Yet, unless they are knowledgeable in BDSM theory, they are to a much lesser extent entitled to judge on what we think is fun, unfortunately they more often as not judge and reject that what they in most of the cases do not know or understand properly.

In fact, for this reason it might indeed be one of our tasks as a BDSM community to spread the word and to inform those who wish to receive such information about what it is what motivates us, what we get from it and why we still hold to BDSM as a sane, sound and reasonable sexual practise.

Feeling hurt by rejection, feeling frustrated for not being able to openly be as you are, feeling lost and alone with your urges because you sense you are not properly understood and accepted, moreover, accused by labels that do not fit your own perception; yes this is not nice. Nevertheless, when we abide to consent between players, when we wish to respect hard and soft limits from those in the scene, why would we not be more relaxed when it comes to accepting that our branch of sexuality is not very well understood and thus not very often approved on.  The reactions of the public are first and foremost theirs. Where we share a common responsibility would be in refraining from pushing our urges upon those who have not asked for it and in informing those who wish to understand. Whatever emotions the public has after that, they are theirs to cope with.

Like the Scriptures says in John 21: “Peter, seeing him, says to Jesus … and what of this man? Jesus says to him … what is that to thee? Follow thou me.”

In this sense, let us all follow our own call and do not bother too much with how others think about our practise and simply follow our path to fulfilment and happiness. Let us be realistic about differences in fantasy and their realization, let us be realistic about the factual limits of the public and let us be realistic about the increase in openness that our society as a whole is showing to alternative sexuality. We have a long way to go, but I am glad you are with me …

As always, enjoy – Sir Cameron

‘Uncertainty and shyness’ is part on the series on BDSM and Philosophy

(Keywords: ritual play, topping, bottoms, real and true BDSM)

Bottoms up

In my experience, uncertainty, low self esteem and being shy are disturbingly often perceived as possible qualifiers to explain the behaviour of submissive and masochist bottoms. Well, at least, bottoms are thought to be like that by the outside world, which – understandably - in general has problems to comprehend the mechanisms that drive our BDSM urges and takes for too literal and important that what is only part of our rituals of intimacy.

However, for the insiders it is clear that being kinky has nothing to do with the above stated qualifiers, even when indeed some bottoms can be displaying them in abundance. Likely not just a few tops think that such behaviour does suit them fine too; which, naturally, it most of the times actually does. All provided that such behaviour is part of our play by our choosing.

Yet, like most Masters, Sir Cameron realizes that bottoms who suffer under who they are and what they do, can be problematic as a play partner, or in a sub or slave relationship; in a way one might even say that they represent impaired bottoms, who are not qualified for play. Whereas a healthy self respecting bottom with knowledge and understanding about their own urges, fantasies and limits is way more preferable. As such, ‘normal’ bottoms are able to support their tops by responding with constructive feedback, care and gratefulness. This may not be the type of bottoms, subs and masochists that we perhaps meet in (pornographic) literature or in - porn movie inspired - public awareness. That clearly cannot be, as such roles and images are meant to stimulate our fantasy, not as a real life example.

Does BDSM empower bottoms?

Instead of empty stereotyped perversions of what we supposedly do, we in our BDSM praxis are looking for real, sane and sensible people. Persons that show an amazing assertiveness, a positive self image and a very good idea of what amount of nastiness they prefer in life. These points denote for individual qualities that can be regarded as excellent conditions for playing with them as bottom, sub or slave; precisely because we all realize that BDSM thrives on our co-dependency. Moreover, issues like self esteem, assertiveness or modesty rather seems to be a general issue of ones personality than that it would be something that can or should be related to being kinky. Nonetheless, I will argue that this last position - of subs being knowledgeable, self-confident and communicative - is paradoxically enough quite often the result of being kinky, instead of the reason for being involved in BDSM. Why is that?

The first reason perhaps, is that our kinky urges force us to go and look inside of our selves to find out if we are okay. Outing as a kinky person, goes hand in hand with the awareness that BDSM by the majority of our fellow citizens is still perceived as something wrong, sinful or sick – at least not a normal thing. Therefore, standing to your own sexual identity and perversions, asks for a thorough consideration with regard to our own sanity. By reflecting on who we are, what we need in order to feel complete and how it is safe and sound to be ourselves in this way, we learn and discover how life works. In the process of exploring our sexuality, we get to know ourselves better and get the information that we require in order to be able to get our needs met in joint forces with our peers.

‘Peers’ you ask? Yes, peers indeed. In BDSM inequality is a conditional part of the play. In order to let giving off power in an exchange process function properly, the bottom first needs to have this power. And they need it knowingly and at their command.

A second reason why many bottoms are in fact so powerful, stable and open minded, can be found by seeing through questionable contradictions. In principle being shy or being self-conscious are not necessarily opposites. It is understandable that one mistakes a role in a play for being representative for how those persons are outside the scene: this will certainly apply in many cases, but does it necessarily have to?

Motivations

We all know the switching type, or the sexually submissive, that can be really bossy in hir job. We explore these real sides of us and overly faked roles alike, whatever is on our agenda. We are the players, remember? We direct, fuel and spice this living out of our fantasies and wishes. And as such, the opposite of shy, viz. being brisk, may well be a driving force behind our play, or not. It does not really mater. Yet, without planned route you have no idea if you fly in the right direction.

Accordingly, the opposite of self-confidence is when you are not conscious of what it does require for you to be – essentially - your self. This implies that you do not realize to what extend your needs, your feelings, your deep desires; your strengths and particularly your weaknesses influence your current behaviour. In order to get kink working in your life, to be aware of your own psyche, your urges and your limits is absolutely essential. By knowing yourself and by holding yourself and your play partner(s) in high esteem, you know why you are doing what you do. You can reflect on why and how events impact your emotions and this gives you a valuable tool to work on your defences, your limits and their transgression. Please, do not give a damn about what others say is the ‘real’ thing! Nor ’50 Shades of Grey’, nor ‘O’, nor your local slaveholder defines what is ‘real’ or ‘true’ BDSM. Real is who you are and what you are doing. And when you are doing it the way you need it, good for you! Stay true to yourself.

And for sure, the awareness of knowing each others needs - and what you can give and share with each other - forms an essential part of any relationship, not only in kink. Yet, in kink it is perhaps more important, as a wrong motivation or poor understanding of the others needs, can end up in a mess. Therefore, the ideal case is when two self-conscious meet (regardless of whether their coming together was hesitant or clashing).

Bottoms and ‘their’ poses

Good bottoms are very sexy to tops. Some tops ‘suffer’ heavily because they easily fall in love (yes we can!) with those adorable, small, helpless, fragile, anxious bottoms who - once they are conquered - start clinging to and feeding on the tops strength and squeeze them out like a lemon.

Occasionally, we might be inclined to accept such behaviour, but in general love or lust should not compensate for structural deficiencies. On the contrary: love is the mutual blowing up of barricades in order to be able to transcend seemingly unattainable limits. This takes courage, but it's the best chance to enjoy a lifetime of love, happiness and hot steamy passion!

Bottom poses, like uncertainty, shyness of even submission itself, are just poses. We can and certainly may identity with such enthralling poses when engaged in play, but to carry this beyond their functionality is a matter of personal flavour. It is perfectly normal for both top and bottom to return to a non-role state after play, where we have a fairly normal attitude towards each other. Sir Cameron is utterly annoyed by delusions regarding sadists being horrible nasty and hideously vicious for 24/7 – as if we are not entitled to be gentle to other beings. Woe on them who do not believe this! Sophia, heat up the branding irons! – oops what did I say?

Now, to re-assure those neatly bottoms who are shy, uncertain and soft and weak by nature, I can only stress; do not worry; we still need and cherish you – even when you have to suffer for it! Whatever; just take care that you find persons that respect you as you are and who do not exploit you against your actual needs. A healthy top does not need that anyway. Even when a topping person can be a great help to you, BDSM is no alternative for therapy. If you, as a person, need to heal and solve personal problems, find a therapist and work on these issues with a professional. Despite that kinky play can be outright beneficial to finding out how you are wired; your partner(s) will likely be looking for a partner, not for a patient (except when playing doctor Dark or nurse Needy … )

At the other side, dear ‘topsies’ and ‘bottomses’: feel free to be open about all your needs; when you cannot communicate your thing, your hard limits or your hottest fantasy to your partner(s), why are you playing at all? What are you trying to prove? Do not be afraid to loose your charm by being assertive; in the Dominion of Lord Cameron, we have made the experience that none of us kinky folk is a one trick pony and even that - allegedly - passed stations are great fun to return to, then our rituals have layers of meaning and it takes time and practise to get to know them all.

BDSM Ritual play

Ritualism as such is without any doubt a functional affair; despite the highly organized formality, it often contains celebratory actions with a striking symbolic content. Of course, these symbols are not necessarily sexual in nature, and even if so, they still can refer to general human needs, like sharing, nurturing or love. However, such wants are a genuine part of BDSM play too: often full with symbols, roles and ritualistic elements, like the secret, the dark, the seductive, the fearful, the unashamed, the forbidden, the painful. Not for nothing the dungeons are seen as temples of sex magic.

When arranging a play scene, we use the rite to our advantage, so we get a reward out of it. And like with childish play, it does not have to be perfect, we can fill in the blanks: a candle hear, some music there, a belt, a mean looking leather jacket; soon we create a space that we can use for matters of serious fun.

Consequently, whatever rituals, roles or posses we choose to explore in our play, let them be clearly know; the reward will only be higher. And even when it should not be our goal to fly from the one height to the other, being ‘on air’ for sure is a good feeling.

Rituals can help us in this regard; rituals are the key to understand some of what we do and at the same time they form the tools by which we prepare a space of secrecy where we can be whoever we wish to be, even if it is only for once. We resemble one another in what we see together, in what we suffer and enjoy together. Fantasies change from individual, but the reality of the ritual as meaningful language is common to us all. Striving towards realism is therefore legitimate in BDSM play, for it is basically related to laying the substrate for the imaginative expression that we wish to bring about.

In our ritual play we resonate on such sources as the self and the cultural stance on self-indulgence. BDSM rituals thus help us to form and liberate our sexuality in a save and controlled way that does justice to our humanity in an appealing ceremony.

Perversions are only statistically uncommon instances of human wants. By playing out our urges with consent and care; we realize our creative potential and pursue happiness in a way that we see as appropriate and empowering for our kinky nature.

Enjoy! – Sir Cameron

Acknowledging dreams – Is BDSM for free?

- Acknowledging dreams is part on the series on BDSM and philosophy -

Our dreams, Freud and the war on terror

Did you ever have a dream and then one day it surprisingly became true? For most people this will sound like a dream, but for some of us, it perhaps is not. Dreams can come to us in many forms; nightmares, daydreams and – yummy – wet dreams. In our dreams we experience emotions, great ideas, fear and passion, all just popping up in our mind, delivered by our unconsciousness; whether we asked for it or not. Dreaming is not a free choice, but something that happens to us; yet, it occurs with a clear purpose.

From the War on Terror we know that freedom comes with a price tag; it is nothing different when it comes to sexual freedom. And if I may stretch the comparison a bit further – and we love stretching, don’t we? – then I would like to point out that as with the battle for freedom, we  have the enemies that come from outside and those creepy ones that lurk within. And then we are stuck - you and I - somewhere in the middle.

In a sense this reminds me of Freud’s dream theory, where the ‘id’ and the ‘super-ego’ are both hidden in the unconsciousness waiting for our ‘ego’ to loosen and open up so ‘id’ & ‘sup’ can get to us. Normally this happens when we sleep and that is why we experience dreams as strangely unreal. But are they and what message do they hold?

Why has Freud been so influential?

Dreams tend to strike us with things that we often do not know or wish to know; negative feelings, repressed memories, trauma’s and all kinds of other stuff that we like, but do not allow to live. According to Freud this is because our ‘super-ego’ - a kind of unconscious cop - is keeping us in line and ‘tells us’ what is acceptable and what is not. Dreams, of course are not merely negative or stressful, they just as easily can provide us with beautiful images, inspiring ideas and the reassurance that life is great and worth to live. Dreams are outlets of creativity; originating deep inside each of us.

The funny thing is; even when most of us pursue happiness - and rightly so I think – we nevertheless are far less touched by dreams that offer us love, peace and harmony, as by those dreams that are disturbing; freaking us out, confront us with immobility, show our fear or anxiety or even such feelings like failure or expendability. Why is that?

Now, let me be honest; I am not the biggest fan of Freud, as he – simplified for the sake of argument - seems to reduce everything unconsciousness to repressed sexuality. Even when I tend to belief that this is probably precisely the reason why his theories were such a success in the first place, this success does not automatically render his theories true. Perhaps it rather shows the currents of his time and the fascination that followed in what Darwinism had to offer with regard to our sexuality and our ethics. But overall, reducing so many mental diseases to repressed sexuality seems too farfetched from our modern point of view.

This brings another aspect to our attention; Freud’s theories are over an age old now. Seen in their own moment in time, the approach for sure embodied a formidable achievement. Freud for the first time deemed the experiences of his patients as a reality that was both meaningful and significant. Accordingly, Freudian treatment was not merely directed at treating – read suppressing - symptoms, but at understanding the patients and their experiences in order to help them feel better.

Nevertheless, up to today much of our unconscious behaviour might still be related to repressed sexual drives. Sex does play a much larger role in our behaviour and in our society as a whole, as we are perhaps willing to acknowledge. On the other hand, we have discovered that there is a bit more in our mind as repression and frustration with regard to our sexual fantasies.

Factually, as scientific dream theory evolved, also psychoanalysis did. Today Freud is still influential, but by the majority of therapists, Freud is only one influence amongst that of other schools. Sexual deviations are no longer regarded as a symptom of sickness, or, as such, morally deficient. Yet, it is not regarded as normal either.

As we - as BDSM community - grow by learning from and about ourselves, we will perhaps be able to further strengthen our position and be accepted as, admittedly peculiar, but nonetheless healthy behaviour, provided we keep the important distinction between ‘statistical abnormal deviation’ and ‘sick mental disorder’ neatly separated.

It would be great to no longer have to be an underground or hidden sub-culture. I know many of us do not bother, yet Sir Cameron does. He would like to take his slave to the local bar and ask the waiter to bring him an espresso and some water for his bitch. As long as people understand, we are simply living our lives in the way we prefer it, there is no reason to feel attacked, provoked or declined. Well, it’s a dream.

Why dreams are not lies

In the culture where I grew up, it was said that dreams are lies that do not come true. For us, being a dreamer carried a very negative connotation, as did being ‘progressive’, as did being a ‘feminist’ or being ‘alternative’. Conformance to traditional values was key and communism was the enemy.

Well, that is the past. And even when many of you share a similar past, we all have evolved, perhaps also by listening to our dreams. My experience has teached me that dreams are not necessarily lies, but simply require some understanding from our side on what dreams are and how they come to us and for what reason.

Dreams can represent the voice of our other side, that side that is unknown by definition, the side that is hidden and has strange dark currents that confuse the orderly world of our rational mind, with strange feelings and disturbing emotions. Depth psychology coined dreams as occurrences in which our unconsciousness speaks to us, but the language it uses is not that of clear reason – when also not irrational – nor do dreams speak to us specifically in terms of repression – even when they often do precisely that. Dreams seem to be mechanisms to communicate what is going on in our unconsciousness, so we do understand and can integrate this in our praxis.

That which is present in each of us, is not by definition bad, good or harmless; but based on whom we are and what we have to learn or accept. Depending on our willingness to work on ourselves; dreams can be beneficial or damaging to us. E.g. for a nasty sadist philosopher - like Sir Cameron - to wallow in his dark desires is not free of charge, and yet, his dreams have formed a beacon of light, illuminating the secret corners of his heart.

Most of us who are admitting to BDSM, leather, fetish or kink, will acknowledge that our urges are natural to us, coming from inside and as such part of who we are. This view is of course not undisputed, yet, I think this experience of us insiders is more genuine as the affixing of labels by those who adhere to other views, either because this is their – equally genuine – experience, or because they feel morally obligated.

That human sexuality is generally a more instinctive drive as it is rationally motivated, will not likely be regarded as a dubious claim. For this reason, I consider the unconscious as one important factor that can supply us with information that might explain our sexual acts and the urges that drive them. As parts of our psyche lie dormant and get active when triggered, also the way we experience our sexuality changes over time, as it changes with us.

I assume that because of the roles we are teached to play in society, some of these roles do actually hinder us to be ourselves to a larger extent. Particularly the identification with urges that are socially or morally prejudiced may take some time to evolve. For this reason I see the ‘dark’ side of our sexuality, not as connected with evil or inequity, but rather as ‘hidden’ in the sense of not fully appeared in the light of consciousness.

Once we see this, the function of sexual fantasy becomes apparent too; we play around with images, ideas and illusions in order to get to known them better and our own herewith concerned reactions too. Yet, in fantasy we can still guide our train of thoughts, in dreams we do not. On the other hand, dreams are normally also experienced in a completely different setting, as they are unconscious.

Reflecting on our dreams is important too, as often our dreams can tell us what our mind or fantasy is blocking. The language of dreams is subtle and individual. Luckily there are widely distributed symbols too, e.g. the Archetypes, unconscious universal patterns, which give us clues to access the meaning of our dreams. Well known archetypes are the hero, the hag, the wise elder, the child.

When growing older, our psyche becomes more and more individual, as we reflect on our roles, ideas and attitudes and find out what does suit us and what not. Also more and more of the content that is hidden in the reservoir of the unconscious rises up to get integrated in our individuality. We learn how to deal with aggression, passion, loss and our negative sides that originate in our ‘shadow’. Ultimately, the latter will not go away, but we are more in control as we get to know ourselves better.

Because the Dominion of Sir Cameron takes BDSM as partially shadow driven, a considered evaluation of our dreams can actually help us to better understand why we are facing such non-conformal issues in our selves. This equally goes for gender issues and many other things that we have repressed or have not yet crossed our path.

Reflecting on our sexuality is of course a very personal matter. No ones sexual roadmap is the same, nor should it; the diversity is what enriches our experience. Most of the times, when we think about our sexuality, we think about what we would like to do or to be, which is all fine and essential in itself, but what is really interesting is the question who we are and why we do what we do. With controversial lifestyles, like kink, this reflecting is almost an obligation, not with the goal to condemn, but obviously with the goal to embrace and internalize so we can indeed be as we are.

It may just as be obvious that such a process is taking a lifetime. The foresight that we can still grow and enjoy our sexuality in ever increasing complexity irrespective of age or gender, is a profoundly pleasurable one, I belief.

The physical discoveries at young age, the internal reflections that lead to growth at middle age, and the successful integration at old age, makes clear that BDSM as part of the development of our sexual identity is not simply heaving the whip or spanking the bottom; it is much more and that richer spiritual and mental dimension is a welcome addition to the more physical fun. This is also the reason why so many kinks are wonderful caring persons, great dads and inspiring moms, understanding partners and fabulous lovers.

I hope this will encourage all of you to seek out that empowering part of our kink and perhaps focussing on your dreams as message from your heart, should – for a while - have a higher priority than the living out of your fantasies. Ultimately, we are seeking ourselves too in our play with others. Why not take the guidance that comes to us when we are sleeping; dreams come for free; to live accordingly may require a price, but I am sure you agree that you, your sanity and happiness are definitely worth it.

Sir Cameron